Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

[criss]

I've lived alone for years, had relationships on and off that didn't work. Never married. I spent a long time alone working on myself, my home, I travelled and did all I could to follow my truth, be honest with others, work hard and overcome my own issues at times. For the most part, outwardly I seem like I have done good. Many of those years alone I felt comfort knowing I was free to live my truth, even when I struggled I got up and kept going. I guess I believed that one day, things would fall in to place and someone would appear in my life that would complement and add that missing element. That hasn't happened. I don't worry about needing someone to live with, to offer me financial security or anything like that. I'm used to living on my own. 

However, the last few years I feel so very sad and empty inside. I can't even talk to friends about it because often they tell me how envious of my freedom they are and don't hear me. I look at joining groups, classes like I used too etc but nothing inspires me any more. I feel the world has changed around me, things aren't how they used to be. I do not find online meetup and social media at all fulfilling and don't participate although I have recently been tempted to a virtual other world platform simply to be able to feel like I can find connection. When I think about meeting someone new and a possible relationship I'm frozen and fearful and question myself whether I really want someone new because I don't trust whats out there. Many do not reveal themselves honestly any more. I look forward to work for the activity and friendships but my life at home feels so empty. I've been tempted to contact old flames just for the connection, but I've done that before and it always ends badly where I regret calling. I stop myself each time I think this way now for fear of making the wrong decision in reaching out as I have experienced alot of disappointment and let down in my life and do not want to feel that pain again. So, I'm stuck.

I'm not sure what to do from here in my life. I'm in my mid fifties, and keeping it together barely internally. Just reaching out here for so feedback and to be heard.

Thanks in advance for reading my post and sharing...

[geoff]

Hello criss, being alone is what many people want but are unable to do so because friends and/or family keep contacting them, which proves to be another problem.

It's a different situation where you might decide to contact old friends etc, and because their life may have changed by getting married, moving away or struggling themselves this may not be necessarily be appropriate, simply because they may not be interested.

Times for everyone have changed, may be caused by COVID, so people view their own position in another way, where some are highly sensitive and others don't particularly care, but this still doesn't mean they want to make friends.

If you have been disappointed and been through more than you want to cope with then these issues need to be solved so at last you can be at peace, and until this is done then you will only be hovering around, asking yourself questions you don't know the answer to and unable to move forward.

This really needs to be done so that you aren't caught up being in the 'limbo', not sure.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Beaser]

Hi Criss.

I feel i have followed a similar path. Im in my mid to late 50s and had numerous relationships but they have all failed for some reason.   I too have the urge to reach out to exes have resisted of late.     I  know its hard but i believe your doing the right thing. I just want you to know that your not alone  and you have a safe and healthy place to talk here.   Brett.

[criss]

Thankyou, yes u r so right.

[criss]

Thankyou Brett. It is comforting somewhat knowing others experience the same. It is overwhelming at times and difficult to share when one has been independent for so long. Sometimes people forget when in relationships that being independent does not mean one does not suffer silent issues of one some sort. In many cases one suffers alone and there are no crutches, or useful reasons to blame it on, not that i want that, but many do stay in relationships for the wrong reasons. I guess what im trying to say is that, telling someone they have no reason to feel how they feel simply because of being free is very hurtful in itself and causes regression and witdrawal. Independence and freedom takes courage and facing life head on..but one still needs understanding and consideration.

Thankyou for your post.🙂

[Guest_1584]

Hi there op.

l agree with others about the ex's. l mean unless it was that one in particular and there was that powerful one off thing between you that would've could've but it was more so just some circumstance that caused the break up - maybe things have changed now and that thing is still there. That happened to my brother and they got back together 6yrs later, married ever since. The rest though nah , they became ex for reasons and your better of moving on imo.

But yeah , the rest , it is a strange thing and hard to know. Me l'm later 50s now was married 20yrs then with someone else but which has now just recently ended and so l'm finding myself with all the same feelings.

l've wondered if love could ever find me again now and ldk how to feel about things if not.

As Geoff said though many people would love to be alone and many are and prefer it and ldk. Sometimes lately l do chuckle to myself at least and of what a life l have now pleasing myself doing what l want living how l choose and the Gods know one thing, it's certainly a lot easier than being married or in a serious relationship that is for sure. 

But at the same time too, l am in two minds atm bc l do also miss many things in being two rather than one.

l probably would like to remarry over all though never the less if l ever have the opportunity again buttttt, well , as a back up plan this ain't half bad either.

rx

[criss]

Thanks randomx 

Good to have this discussion and here different points of view. Comforting to know I'm not alone in these thoughts.

Thankyou.

[Guest_1584]

Thanks criss and yeah look it's been something l've been thinking about a lot myself since we broke up a few mths ago.  So it's good bumping into a few guys here to of similar ages and so times in life and thinking about it all to.

How is your situation where you live , have you thought about moving to more opportunity ?

That's a big thing for me now bc l feel if l stay here single l may well stay that way. l men maybe not you never do know and l do have some great towns nearby that l use a lot my my immediate town itself , l don't think there is one single female in the whole place tbh.

rx

[criss]

Im happy where I live and worked hard to make a small home for myself. Through each relationship in my past, I maintained my own home separately. It was a sense of safety and security I built for myself not having had that feeling growing up. That, I am glad for because each time things failed I felt good knowing I had my own safe haven at home to withdraw to. I was not given much growing up so I needed to make a home that was mine instead of risk doing it with someone else. I guess I had trust issues there because one of my parents was hopeless with money and subsequently home never felt settled. Simply, I am proud that I survived  thrived in this part of life but to the detriment I guess of not finding security within a relationship that I so would have liked. Some of the years, mostly thru 40s till now I felt ok about it all. Freedom for me felt good. Do what I want like you said. I guess I am at a point of questioning alot of stuff cause I am getting older. I do like to socialise and get out and about, but am finding my friends changing, slowing down, withdrawing, illnesses or issues of their own and often, because if this for me, loneliness sets in. I never quite understood it till now. I am glad for these platforms though. Posting helps clear through pent up emotions. I think I would like to be able to find an outlet that brings me more meaning and clarity about life but at the same time some enjoyment. Working odd hours has not helped me however as I need to work I persevere. I guess to answer your question, I dont really desire moving anywhere. Moreso, I desire more meaning and a sense of purpose, clarity and maybe connection in life that I seem to have lost lately. Thats why I question whether I should be in a relationship. But, you know what, I have always felt that these things cannot be forced they should come naturally and that just has not happened for me. Then I get the questions or comments from family or friends that I should go out and make it happen. When I have tried I have not met anyone that I feel comfortable enough with. I begin questioning myself, shaming myself that I am broken somehow. These thoughts and feelings pervade within me slowly eroding my sense of confidence and self and then I get really down and withdrawn. So yeah, maybe most of the work I need to do is internal but I struggle with that. A thought that just occurred to me was that, even people in relationships have these internal struggles. 

Criss

[Guest_1584]

Yeah fully agree l mean growing up in however we did , later gives us the direction in the ways we do or don't want our lives to be as adults imo. l've always thought that and l've always tried to point my life into the directions and ways l've wanted or felt l've needed instead. The house to is a big thing and if you do become involved again you can always rent yours or hers out l say.

But naturally , yeah. ln this day and age of the internet and date sites and people busy or else often locked away at home on pc's now or movies at a whim , instead of getting out like we use too, yeah , it's hard to know isn't it.

Although we have only recently become officially broken up , it's actually been nearly two yrs mostly as she had to go back up home way back for legal matters and we'd actually been long distance since and had only seen ea other 3 or 4 times in 2yrs. So kind of recent but in reality, pretty well apart for a long time actually anyway. So at the same time l've also been adjusted to us probably not working it out for a long long time now and l've had a lot more time and loneliness to think about the what if's than it would seem and that l ain't getting any younger either.

l've been torn about making it happen to though and always wondered if you could even do that anyway tbh. l'd had the same result myself to anytime l did try back in younger days. l work at home now have for yrs but l do also get out and about a lot to through the wk and often do also try to do at least one thing out somewhere one day of a wkend or every 2nd too. lt's odd though and has been right through life back to younger days but when l did actually have a realistic possible encounter it was always in an accidental one off moment type situation. Where l was caught so of guard that next minute boom the opportunity was gone again anyway. So l really dk about that one.

l joined a date site last wk and l've been just looking about , ldk.

My brother is your age and he uses them and gave me the run down.

lt all feels very very weird though l must admit and l have wondered well , what will become of life if l do just live and let the universe decide , dk that either.

l only know that l've been very very lonely 2yrs now and that l would like to be in something real and lasting.

rx