Well by now members here either had a good happy Christmas or they didn't. Upon reflection how was yours?
For decades my sister and I endured Christmas's of turmoil, conflict and hidden frustration. We had one member of our family that had no idea what life would be like if she just enjoyed her children and grandchildren- our mother. It was only when my sister and I reached our 50's we decided we would put in boundaries to adverse behaviour to try and protect our children from abuse and hopefully have a calm Xmas gathering. That didnt happen so 9 years ago we severed our relationship with her completely. Radical? Maybe but our Christmas gatherings without her have since been 100% comfortable and includes laughter and love.
This is one example of controlling your own life. Toxic people, yes even parents, have no room in our lives now, we simply wont tolerate it. Why? Why not tolerate other people that are annoying? Well there are limits.
We often discuss here about people that likely have or do have a mental illness that wont seek help. Such people in the end, we cannot help so it becomes a "do we tolerate them or do we reject them"? Rejection is a tough action but it can become so toxic that there is no other option or your life becomes a ruined state. As leader of our own little families with kids we decided to protect them and ourselves.
It isnt easy knowing your parent is now elderly and we wont see again. We hear from others how she is fairing, her anger of us etc, we have to allow others to express as long as they have no demands of us.
But in the end we must control our own lives and be decisive, yet I know of other families that every Xmas they have conflict. Such conflict would not occur if one party stayed away for the day. One friend has done just that, he will not attend his family gathering Xmas day to avoid the yelling and heartache. He indeed waits till the 27th to visit his parents and sister. He has never felt it was a bad move.
Christmas day if not a happy day is a wasted day. It brings up old wounds. Many people would suspend the day but they feel their opposition will "win" by having the day with family, it should not be a competition, in fact, you win by being mature and taking the better stance and avoiding the meeting.
So next year think hard about how you are going to spend Xmas day. If you have a mental illness think about protecting yourself from any conflict.
Do you have any thoughts on this and recommendations?
TonyWK
