Call out for how to keep a job - bullying, toxicity, anxiety, depression

[Succulent Queen]

Hello,

Would anybody out there like to give tips, methods, strategies, things they have said, done - absolutely anything at all, whatsoever, that has helped you survive a workplace and keep your job. Also, anything you have successfully been able to do to manage the dread of going to work each day. 

My experience - I have social anxiety. It results in depression, whirlpools of unhelpful thought, mood fluctuations, severe lack of interpersonal skills, inability to build rapport, chronic awkwardness, need to avoid / isolate and a moderate paranoia that everyone is judging me either too positively or too negatively. Sometimes I react defensively for no reason other than my own distorted social perceptions which confuses people further. Sometimes this defensiveness offends others. My filter is leaky and sometimes I say too much when on a mission to be more liked.

I get caught up in listening to and sometimes participating in workplace stories and politics because I feel its safer for me to know and monitor/control the environment. Doing this is pointless and simply exacerbates the above thoughts and symptoms. I feel embarrassed and guilty afterward for getting drawn into the toxicity of this form of social bonding - the social politics that is. I'm also a people pleaser and even annoy myself with the degree of niceness I go to to avoid disapproval or being unliked. And on it goes. Im exhausted.

So, I hope there are people out there who can help me learn where to start in stopping some of this behaviour by hearing what you have done to manage this. I can and have spoken to a psychologist (plenty) but a real convo out in the real world with a real peer is where I think the solutions are. 

So, to all my socially anxious, socially awkward, depressed, ridiculously anxious peers out there who are just trying to hold down a job, what do you do to survive the workplace? (And no I cant, for a couple of reasons, have a talk with my boss). 

We all have a right to earn an income. Mental health is a brute when it comes to the workplace.

What do you do?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Thankyou for your honesty in your post. Your anxieties seem complex and I understand, especially the toxicity in the workplace.

In the long term I'd encourage you to find a career/job that entails you work alone in the main. After a lifetime of work in security, defence etc in fact 90 jobs and 15 professions, work toxicity is in most workplaces. It isnt easy avoiding it so dont feel like you are guilty as it does draw you in. So after all these jobs I pursued a job in investigations that saw me on the road travelling around on my own and having only contact with work providers that was brief eg offering me work. As my own business I could start and stop the job when I wanted to. Drawbacks were of course running my own business and early morning starts etc. What I'm expressing here is to work towards a similar goal eg travelling salesperson or contract cleaner etc.

You should commend yourself for being a "people pleaser". That is a positive feature of your personality although as you pointed out- at your cost. You seem to also worry a great deal which isnt ideal.

I've got a few threads below that is about your issues. You only need to read the first post of each

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival-part-3-workp...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

Humour- try to introduce it in your workplace, 8 hours is a long time being tormented by workplace squabbles. 

Finally- turning responsibility. If a person has a problem with another person, try not to be triangulated into joining them. It's their problem, they can sort it out directly.

Thanks for coming along

TonyWK

[Guest_1584]

Hi op.

Back when l use to have jobs in working for bosses l had a few jobs where all this stuff effected me hugely and some where l'd find out they talked about me.

My solution, l knew there is no way of fitting into some crowds, l'd leave. But it just amazed me at the next job, l'd just fit straight in and my anxiety would leave me. When l felt comfortable with the people and knew they liked me too , l was ok.

But as Tony says , that isn't easy to find and most of those jobs were only temporary choices so more problems would come along with the next new job.

l use to walk past the place before an interview try to get a look inside and at the people and just the general feel.

In the end though , mid 20s, l started my own business. That fixed that once and for all and l've worked for myself ever since.

Good luck.

rx

[Bob_22]

Hello Succulent Queen,

Thanks for the post and for sharing your experience. I'm sorry to hear about your workplace and I hope you are finding these forums helpful so far in connecting with others. 

Waking up and going to work each day can be incredibly difficult for those with depression. I know for me it was impossible after a while and I had to leave work because of it. Fortunately I did find solutions to help. A big thing was making sure there was something I enjoyed or was passionate about at work. That way it was easier to go in each day as there was something to look forward. This could be a project you really are passionate about or have taken on or even a friend you have made. I also found keeping a routine and making sure to get plenty of sleep to be helpful. Physical exercise can help with both of these aspects.

In terms of workplace politics I know it can be difficult to navigate. For me personally I choose to simply ignore whatever is going on and try not to participate. It is hard but forgetting what people are thinking of you is easy after a while if you are more focused on your work and outcomes. This doesn't mean you can't have friends at work but I found it best to simply refrain from talking negatively about others in casual conversations. Generally people will learn to respect this and you will not worry so much about public perceptions. I hope this is somewhat helpful. 🙂

Bob

[Guest_1584]

That's great tips there op form Bob , l think had of l been older back when at the time l probably would've known how to go more along those lines of what bons saying. Later on in life as l got older l stopped caring less what people in general thought of me and realized you'll never please everyone anyway and there's always someone stirring the pot.  

Good luck op

rx

[Mark Z.]

Hi Succulent Queen,

I'm so sorry for your challenge, but I can tell that your self-awareness is great! It will definitely help you when you try to improve. However it's very hard of any of us to change our behaviour, so don't give yourself too hard task, slow progress is good enough.

If you don't mind, may I ask what's your role and profession, and what kind of company you're working for? And what's the relationship with your direct supervisor and your small team? Are they able to give you open and honest feedback?

Mark

[therising]

Hi Succulent Queen

Being a natural introvert definitely comes with a whole stack of challenges as well as a number of unrecognised abilities. I'm a happily introverted gal who easily feels social challenges. Some of them I manage and some I don't get myself involved in, based on them overwhelming my nervous system. For example, based on me being sensitive to too much sound, I tend to steer away from social events that involve loud music combined with a major amount of drinkers who are all shouting over the music and each other, combined with people who don't have a volume control over sudden shocking regular squeals or yells of laughter. I can feel the entire combination or should that be my nervous system can feel it. So, while the ability to feel sound leads me to joy (feeling certain songs, musical instruments, relaxing music), it can also kinda feel like torture at times. It becomes about managing how I (am able to) feel, if that makes sense.

Managing different facets of self is another challenge. The people pleaser in me can, in part, be managed at times by my intolerant self. I was a shocking people pleaser which used to lead me to periods of depression. While the people pleaser in me may have done just about anything to please a person who was treating me like garbage, these days I find my intolerant facet tends to chime in with 'This person is behaving horribly and they need to know it'. Telling it how it is can be a massive challenge at times. With practice, it gets easier. With practice, people learn where your boundaries are.

So many different facets of self to channel at any given time. How to channel them (tap into them), how to know which aspect of self is in play and how to manage the inner dialogue they can bring with them are just a few of the challenges when it comes to greater self understanding.

You have a lot of abilities, more than you realise.

[Scaff]

I've struggled with similar my whole professional life. Only now am I starting to get a better understanding of myself. Of course your experiences might be completely different - and I'm not making any assertions - but I thought it might help to hear from someone similar.

Cutting a long story short, a number of ASD diagnoses in near family have led me (with input from professionals) to conclude that I'm likely also on the spectrum. I'm still tossing up whether to fork out for the actual diagnosis.

This has allowed me to reflect and I've come to a shocking conclusion: other people don't find it difficult, draining and requiring the precision of a military tactician. I've spent a good chunk of my life absolutely floored at the sheer brilliance of others at navigating politics and felt utterly inadequate when I considered their mastery. No matter how much I mentally prepared for a situation they always seemed to be one step ahead. I tried to learn, to copy, to beat them at their own game. I got angry, frustrated. Whenever I tried the same tactics, suddenly the rules had changed and I'd done something odd. I was the Seeker for Hufflepuff: feeling good only to have Harry f-ing Potter win the game in some completely unrelated task. It's lost me a few jobs as I became focused on the unfairness of it all.

I identify with ideas like monitoring and controlling the environment but they cost a ton of energy. And you can't win. Because they aren't moving chess pieces, they are enjoying talking about people; they're not executing a monitor/control strategy, they're pushing everyone aside to get what they want. No matter how good an actor you are, you can't compete with emotional responses.

I'm still learning how to deal with all this. So far I've learned that you don't have to be good at everything. Sure, sometimes a git might get the promotion, but you only need one success. I've learned to accept that I'm not the best at social schmoozing but that a) my other talents more than make up for this  b) when I'm not treating it like a game of 4d chess I'm actually fairly likeable. Finally I've stopped trying to cover up "inadequacies". I tell people I find understanding these things difficult, not to prepare food because I won't eat it and that I will be utterly unable to recall their name.

So that's a big reply talking about me, but I hope it provides something of use to you.