Hi,
I've had issues with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. A couple of years ago things got pretty bad and I sought help from my GP and ended up on medication and seeing a psychologist. Eventually I felt stable enough to come off the medication and went on functioning reasonably well. But in the past 12 months things have gotten progressively worse and I feel very much like I'm on the edge of a serious breakdown.
There area two main sources of anxiety in my life, they stem pretty clearly from a complete lack of self-worth:
Firstly, I am working in my first full time job. I did an undergraduate degree in marine biology and was unable to find work, so I made the decision to complete a masters in environmental engineering which I was never passionate about. I'm now working for an environmental consultancy and am completely uninspired by the work and the people. I feel completely defeated that I've spent all this time studying to end up somewhere that makes me miserable. I spend every day at my computer by myself stuck in my own head. The worst part is I have no idea what other options I have. I don't have a clue what I'd rather be doing and I can't help but think I'd feel the same in any job.
Secondly, and probably the biggest issue is my relationship. I've spent the past 6 months with a girl that I am completely in love with but she's leaving in a week to go traveling and that will be the end of us. She was clear when we started seeing each other that she would be leaving and wasn't looking for anything serious which I accepted at the time. But then we spent more and more time together and really connected. I have asked about whether there'd be a chance to reconnect when she comes back but she says she wants no expectations. She doesn't see herself in a serious relationship in the foreseeable future. I guess my real issue is understanding how someone could behave in the way she does when she's around me but be so casual about walking away. It makes me feel expendable.
I have a constant tightness in my chest. I can't focus at work. I feel sick all the time. I am not motivated to do anything. I dwell on every interaction wondering what people are thinking of me.
I am on medication again but I don't really feel as if it's doing anything. I've seen a psych twice now but in a way she's making it worse by dredging up things I didn't even realise were affecting me.
I don't know what to do. But I know this job is making me miserable.
