Anxiety - Social Phobia & Cibophobia & to top it off prolific nail biter for over 50 years

[Thommo1163]

Trouble in a relationship has brought me here. My wife has previously just used the "its just him" excuse that has allowed me to have 25 yrs of marriage without dealing with my issues. She no longer wants to use that excuse so I now need to act to have any chance of holding onto my marriage which I dearly do. Self help seems to be the way forward while I wait for professional help as Covid seems to have created log jams of pyschologists. All my issues seem to be inter-related in someway so I am hoping dealing with 1 will assist in dealing with the others. Maybe I am kidding myself though with the food phobia. Fear & depression rear their ugly head every now & then but again they are related to the anxiety getting worse. I have been told by my wife not to rush & to work on the fact I start a new job after 20 years of being a stay at home dad on Monday, Adding to my anxiety. But the feeling of my marriage slipping away has me wanting to take affirmative action whilst waiting for professional help. Hopefully it can start my journey to a more fulfilling happy married life as well as a more fulfilling life for myself.

[Petal22]

Hi Thommo1163,

Wellcome to our forums!

Sorry to hear of trouble in your relationship and the way that you have been feeling……..

I understand anxiety I had severe anxiety OCD it was a horrible disorder to be caught up in……. At the time of the symptoms presenting themselves I didn’t know what was wrong with me……. I was living in fear every day, I was having panic attacks, I was unable to function normally because I had so much going on in my mind, I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat properly,I was having horrible dark intrusive thoughts and I was constantly living in my head……..

I thought to myself I can’t keep feeling this way, I can’t keep living my life this way it’s terrifying and exhausting so I decided to turn around and face it head on! It was the best thing I ever did…. It was very confronting but it took me on an amazing journey I didn’t realise what blessing were coming my way…. Truly amazing

4 years on….Im now recovered from obsessive compulsive disorder…….. I’m flying and loving life…… my recovery started from seeing a gp we did a mental health plan together this gave me 10 free sessions with a clinical phycologist, my gp also put me on a antidepressant to help me to manage my anxiety, I also saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me and this then led to a clinic that specialised in OCD…. This is were i learned to master my OCD……

You aren’t kidding yourself with your food phobia with correct professional help you can learn how to manage it…. Believe me there is hope for you if I can recover from severe anxiety OCD…… there is hope that you can recover from what you are going through aswell….

I was taught many helpful strategies at my therapy and given a lot of tools….. tools that I use now in every day life things…..

I have written two threads

Someone who had OCD and recovered

and

Effective treatment for OCD Metacognitive therapy

You may be interested in having a read…..

Have you seen your gp and discussed how you have been feeling?

Thanks for reaching out…. We are all a lovely community and would like to help and support you…

Im here to chat

[Thommo1163]

Thanks for the words of confidence. I have seen my GP but the mental health plan was built around my bordering on depression which was due to my wife stop starting our relationship & not being clear what was happening. This had me spiraling into a state where I didnt sleep for 4 days, started chasing rabbits down imaginary holes and ended badly. I sure the plan can be tweaked once I get into see someone. Our local GP's are not what the used to be with shortages and the difficulty in getting appointments. Waiting lists are long for specialists though which is why I have started seeking out self help stuff to get me started on this journey. 2 local psycologists were recommended to me but both have waiting lists till xmas. My marriage is very important to me so I don't want it to fade off into the distance because I had to wait. Its not helped by my wife not knowing what she actually wants. I understand all that I have put her through in the last 25yrs and she accepts partial blame for not pushing me earlier. But time seems to be a factor, she just wont give me a time frame to start making the changes. I thought I was doing enough when things 1st blew up and she didn't think I would see a councellor, I did and followed it up with 3 more sessions. I have taken on ever request she has made. Still haven't convinced her I will be the person she wants after all this with everything I have already taken on. I will certainly check out your threads. I am here to learn. I am here to change for the better. I'll find whatever resources I need to get that head start. I have walked away from that OD last weekend wanting to be better for all my family as well as myself. If I had just done this sooner I may have saved my family some heart ache last weekend. Thanks for welcoming me 🙂

[Petal22]

That’s great you have seen your gp and done a mental health plan, sorry to hear of the long wait times….

Could your gp recommend another psychologist with a shorter wait time?

Im sorry to hear of your OD this must have been very distressing for yourself and your family…..

Welldone for being proactive and trying to improve I think that’s wonderful sometimes a change in mind set can be a wonderful thing it’s the start of a new beginning..

Things that help me with my anxiety and every day life:

I read positive affirmations every day, my social media is full of them

Mindfullness is great and meditation…. I can’t recommend meditation highly enough it got me over the line… you could google one on your phone google a guided meditation for learning to watch your thoughts.

I try to see the positive in everything and look at things with different perspectives….

Exercise is great also

You can learn to better yourself it is really possible the most positive step for you is that you have decided to…

Believe it is possible and it will be

Keep seeking out positive avenues..

im here to chat to you

[Thommo1163]

Tried the meditation, just too much happening around me still. Wife asked for space so I moved into the garage. Seems the space means she talks to me when she wants to and is constantly on her phone talking to friends, especially a new male friend who she assures me is just a friend. Struggling to believe that as he now calls daily and has long chats and messaging as well. I feel like I am trying to save a marriage with my hands tied behind my back where I have to do all the heavy lifting. They are my issues I have to deal with, but I feel like it is being rubbed in my face a bit. I could quite possibly be wrong though. That's how I ended up where I did. 2 days a go she wanted to have sex with me in the forest, today I am not even allowed to sit close to her. She does allow me to go with her on a morning walk, but that's my contact for the day. The rest of the day i feel I have to avoid her to give her that space. Its the reason I want to get stuck in quickly to prove my worth, her friend is proving his by supporting her, i just have to hope that it doesn't go further than that. She says she will support my journey, but I keep getting negative vibes whenever I bring up something new, like joining this forum for support or printing out some material. Her comment was wait till you see a specialist. Trying to keep a clear head is hard these days with so many ways people can communicate without you realising. As you can see I am struggling to see the positives in the one thing that means the most to me. But I am positive about beating my phobias & should I do that saving my marriage.

[Petal22]

Sorry to hear all of this it must be confusing… did you have to move into the garage? Maybe you could still live in the house?

Wanting space could mean just not talking about certain things?

Try not to look to far into the male friend he could be just that a friend…..

You really can beat your phobia s… there is hope…

practice thinking positive….

here to chat, we all are as a community 😊

[Thommo1163]

I offered to move into the garage. She planned to move out to a house up the street. Not financially practical to run 2 households while we work things out. I seem to want to save the marriage more than she does though.

The other guy certainly comes into play. Ive watched her delete his texts in front of me. She answers them while sitting on the lounge next to me. Working from home and she spent her 1hr lunch break talking to him in the yard, ignoring the kids who were looking to have lunch with her. Confront her about it & I get the just friends and he likes to talk reply. Sounds more like he is interested & she isn't rebutting that interest that I can see. SO instead of working on our marriage she is being comforted by her friend even though she is the one that has decided she needed space. My anxiety kicked in when I started comparing myself to him and basically telling her he would be a better choice for her. That's been the problem for 10 weeks now. Poor messaging from her as to what she wants and I get anxious and respond by putting myself down. I sit my wife on a pedastal. But its getting harder to keep her there. Maybe she is trying to create a situation where I do take her down. I dunno. I just know its hard as I am trying to keep her here by giving that distance, but feel like a stranger. If I dont she leaves & i think if she did that she'd be gone for good. Anxiety speaks to me all day on this. Last night in order to keep my focus I attempted something that I never ever have done. I created a playlist of love songs aimed directly at her, and sung them and sent them to her this morning. I got nothing more than a wry smile out of her. She knows how hard that would have been for me to do. So that was the start of my anxiety journey, do something that scares the hell out of me and share it. Made me feel stronger. Made me feel good. I sent them to my 2 kids who normally would make fun of me and they were proud of me doing it to. One little step.

[Petal22]

Sorry to hear all of this…..

Just one thing…. If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to someone else. You have already forgotten your value.

Thats a beautiful thing you did in regards to singing the songs…. I understand that would have been difficult for you…..

Thats lovely that your kids loved them and were proud….

Always remember to talk kindly to yourself….. please don’t put yourself down lift yourself up…. You are worthy! Know your worth…..

Do something nice for yourself…

Your not alone we are here as a community listening to you…

here to chat

[geoff]

Hello Thommo, I understand what you have told us and feel sorry for you, as my 25 year marriage faded away although we keep in regular contact, however, as much as you and your wife believe that you need to change, this can only happen if your wife makes changes herself.

You can't be doing all the work because she has to grow with you and appreciate your worth, this other chap is only going to confuse the issue.

I feel for you and your circumstances.

Geoff.

[Thommo1163]

Hi Geoff. My wife has been growing for 25 years where I have stayed stagnant. I over heard her in a conference call with her boss saying as such. I have been asking for the opportunity to grow together. She told her boss "I know its cruel, but I have been growing for 25yrs, he is just starting. How can i take him serious." She didnt think I would want to make the changes, & now I am proving her wrong she is finding other ways to push back I think. I am willing to whatever it takes to save this marriage, but she has the power at anytime to pull the plug. I think she is just waiting for me to be self sufficient before she pulls the rug. I start a job on Monday, I am addressing these issues. I will ultimately prove myself to her, then she will say well done, you are more than capable now, but it just isnt enough.

We have been doing morning walks, today was one of pretty much silence. She tells me she doesnt want to lead me on and we now have "cool" as the new standard around the house. She could throw me a bone and say that she is impressed by what I am willing to do to save our marriage instead of adding to the anxiety where I can't now hold a conversation, walk past her like she is a stranger where I might brush arms. So much has changed in 3 days now between us. But I am not going to give up without a fight. She does love me, I get that she is having issues herself. That power imbalance she is using it as a weapon. I have been financially & emotionally reliant on her for 20 years. All i can now do is work hard because I believe in us, even if she is having 2nd thoughts. She did initiate this, things weren't terrible before, just not the best they could be. She is someone for ,who growth will never stop, its just come time for her to say yes they weren't terrible, but I want better. Certainly been complicated even more by this new male friend who has come on board. Even though we were in lockdown she talks to him constantly. How do you give someone the space they need without allowing someone else to fill that void? Sitting here writing this I know that she has reached out to him this morning with a good morning to start the day. I didn't get a good morning. I got lets walk.