Would just love some advice on feeling goalless, comparing myself and w friends

[javalava13]

I am 23, just graduated uni and have struggled with mostly depression and more recently anxiety since I was in high school. I've have never been sure what I will do for a job and am generally pretty unsure of my goals and have very low self esteem. I have a few chronic health conditions which have been a huge contributing factor to my mental health and was the reason I started seeing a psychologist during high school. Speaking to someone was fairly helpful at first but in the past few years whenever I have had psychologist appointments I've just felt like I'm complaining and repeating myself each time and not really getting much from it. I now don't know if I should try and find another psych (haven't had an appointment for 6 months or so) or how to even do that. I have also in the past been on anti-depressants but had major issues with side effects so am not currently taking them.

I've spent the last 3-4 months after graduating travelling alone which I have enjoyed as I'm definitely an introvert and recognise I'm quite a difficult person to be around for too long so like knowing I'm not being a burden on anyone around me. But I was starting to get lonely and missing my family about a month ago but also didn't want to go back home because I don't feel like I have much to go back to (other than family) as I have no job and I've had a lot of issues with keeping friends, mostly due to my low confidence and anxiety. My sister has recently met up with me which has been really nice as she is pretty much my best friend but I also recognise I compare myself to her SO much as she really has everything sorted out and is always calling friends and has a lot of ambitions and a great job - and was at the top of her classes in school where I was very average. I can't believe how much of a shift in mood I've noticed since being with her - at first I was loving it but now I am starting to compare myself and feel low and she doesn't really understand/appreciate my mental health as she doesn't have depression or anxiety so is quite quick to jump to me being moody if I am having a low day (like today).

I don't really know what I'm hoping from this post but I would just love any advice or to hear if others have similar issues or know how to deal with any of my issues, whether it be comparing to others, having not many friends, low self esteem and/or feeling completely aimless/lacking ambition for my future. Sorry this is such as long post!!!

[Learn to Fly]

Hi javalava13, 

You are more than welcome and if I can help even in the smallest of ways, this makes me really happy. It takes a lot of courage to even start up a conversation, let alone, to open up about some deeply personal issues. Things that we might be ashamed of, unsure of, staying afraid of being judged etc. So, you have made a huge step forward already by asking for help. I see it as your strength: willingness to identify, acknowledge and work on things that trouble you.
I am always here to chat, if you feel like one. Take care there. 

[javalava13]

Hi James,

Thank you SO much for this message. Honestly, these forums have truly saved me in some of my lowest points, so thank you all. I have a really hard time being stuck with the conflicting thoughts in my head about myself and about my psychologist and the conversations we have and i just don't know if they're actually doing me more good because of how much i berate myself after for saying certain things that make me seem privileged or weak or arrogant, or opening up about certain things so i am so often wondering if therapy is ever really going to help me because i also feel i can't open up fully to anyone. so i cannot explain how much of a help these forums have been to read other peoples' experiences and especially to have people like yourself invest time into writing such considerate responses. i really want to spend more time replying to others because i feel quite selfish that i just come on these forums when i am feeling low to help myself when other peoples' responses have been so impactful for me.

I am okay at the moment (a bit up and down), but i do so often get so petrified for the rest of my life - what my mental health will make me do, that i will be alone or feel as lonely as i do now forever, if i will ever trust someone to be in a relationship. i do just feel a bit hopeless about my future but i really am trying to not worry/think about it. 

thank you so much again 🙂

[james1]

Hey javalava13,

Thanks for the update. It's nice to hear back and I am glad to hear you are doing okay at the moment. I think it's good to try and not worry too much about what the future will look like, because when we think about the future, we often get stuck just thinking about the bad possibilities. It makes sense because that's often our state right now, but it does mean it feels more bleak than what is actually possible. So it can sometimes be easier to avoid thinking too much about it, and just focus on making the present as manageable as possible.

You said something about privilege, which struck a particular chord with me. It was something I thought about a lot too as I often compared myself to other people who I thought were struggling more or had more reason to struggle than me. A couple of weeks ago, I read a book called 'Intimations' by Zadie Smith. It had a really fantastic chapter called "Suffering like Mel Gibson" and basically, this short essay was saying that society has mistakenly linked privilege and suffering. Instead, while privilege does exist and is important for other issues, suffering is "absolute" to the sufferer. It shouldn't matter how privileged someone is because their suffering is just as real and just as painful. It was an interesting chapter, and I think it really just highlights how painful any kind of suffering is. Unfortunately when we talk about privilege in the same sentence, it makes us feel even worse and invalidated like we don't deserve help or are too weak. 

Anyway, that's really all to say I understand so much of what you've talked about in your post because I also had really similar thoughts. And while I don't know how things will pan out for you, it seems like you're doing all the right things by trying to get support here and from your psychologist. Even if it sometimes feels like nothing is going to help, in my own experience, it does feel a bit like that until you suddenly realise you are in a better place than before. Still, this space is always here for you no matter where you feel you are at with your mental health.

James

[livi_mivi]

Hey Javalava13, 

Fellow twenty something year old here. 

I often find myself falling into the spiral of comparing myself to other people of similar age. From my personal experience, when you mix it in with anxiety and depression, it just amplifies everything. I think the most helpful thing for me is to understand that everybody moves at their own pace and has a different measure of success. We are our own worst critic at times. I also like to remind myself that there is always going to be something that I could be better at and that it is therefore important to instead acknowledge how far I have come/what I have achieved. I’ve found that when I can appreciate what I do have/have done, the things that other people have/have done aren’t as important anymore. 

I just really want you to know that what you have achieved is AMAZING and it takes a lot of courage and determination to finish uni and travel independently. There are many people on this forum with some great advice and I encourage you to keep sharing, we are all here to listen. I wish you all the best 😀