what's wrong with me? (super long, sorry!)

[___3]

Hey, this is my first post and I'm not really sure how to start. I'm more just trying to express my feelings than writing a structured paragraph so apologies if it makes no sense. I just want somewhere I can let out all this stuff I've been thinking about for so long.

I hate myself. Don't get me wrong, some days I feel normal- I think about my life and feel like everything has the potential to work out with a little effort. I try and keep up a routine by running daily, practicing instruments, etc.

But then there are times when I look in the mirror and just hate everything I see. If I really think about myself there is not a single think about myself that isn't flawed. Nose? Legs? Eyelashes? Ew. I know these things are just material and subjective to personal opinion but there is not a single thing about myself that I like. Logically I understand that I should be grateful for having a functioning body and I absolutely appreciate that I am "healthy" but it feels like my being alive is just a waste- of resources, of time, of energy. I am always reminded of my flaws every time I start accepting how I look. "You should go on a diet, your legs are so fat." I know they are just trying to prevent me from having regrets in the future but even when I skipped meals and started running nothing changed, I would always be ugly in their eyes.

Then there are times when I'm too happy. I love myself and the world seems brighter, I hug everyone and everything makes me smile and dance. Even in the moment I know this feeling is unnatural but all I want is to stay this happy forever... because in that moment, I have nothing to worry about. I look back at all the things I felt negative about (like I will probably do to this post) and laugh at how stupid those insecurities are. I'm amazing!

These moods come out of nowhere and don't even have triggers sometimes.

I have lots of "friends" but I feel like no one truly knows me. I'm completely different around them to when I'm alone with my own thoughts; no one has ever seen me react out of proportion to the event (happy, sad, angry, etc) "you're so happy lmao ily" which makes everyone feel fake, even though it's my own fault for not opening up.

I don't think anyone could handle it if I told them how bad I felt sometimes. Being judged is what I hate most and it's impossible that I wouldn't become "so broken/weak she needs a shrink". It just hurts because there's no one I can talk to when I need it. I hate me.

Sorry. I'm fine though.

[Croix]

Dear DotDashDot~

Welcome here and don't worry your post mkaes perfect sense, it paints a clear picture. You can talk here as much and as often as you like, you will never be judged, too many of us here have lived though hard times and know how it really is.

You have times when you seem more happy than you'd expect, nothing has happened to make you feel that way but you do anyway.

Also there is the opposite, times when you hate how you look, what will happen in the future. Again seems to be no reason.

Actually I will ask, does anyone actually criticize you, someone who says your body is not right or similar?

You talk a lot about fault, and not opening up. Having a mask that suites the situation. It's not fault at all, it's a defense.

I did that for ages, and in the short term it keeps intrusive questions away and allows life to go on more or less as normal. Over time however it is not good. I started to feel more and more isolated, that if I had to hide the true me then that hidden me must be horrible. Plus the longer the delay the more treatment I needed.

I never got better until I had the proper medical help, and that starts with an an extended visit to your GP and describing exactly what is happening to you - then you see what happens. If you think it a good idea write it all down in point form first and share the paper -you won't leave anything out that way.

Weakness simply does not come into it, try a tooth-ache or getting diabetes, seeing a doctor or dentist is not weak, it is common sense. Same here, something needs adjusting so you see the professional

There is no reason why you cannot live a better, happier life, it just needs you to start down the path

I'd like it if you talked some more

Croix

[bree22]

its gonna get better at least thats what we are told one day you will be at peace with your self and you wont feel this way about your self but its not stupid to be scared of being judged it sounds like your struggling to find support from your friends but no one thinks your ugly

[smallwolf]

Hi,

welcome to beyond blue.

For many years I thought I was fine, that everybody had similar feelings to me. There were particular times in the year that would feel particularly down. But otherwise I was irritable, worried about anything and everything. But again, without knowing any different thought this was normal. I had to really sink (?) to realise something was not right and would get help and found out I was worse than I thought mentally. I guess I am saying that if you think something is amiss it is worth looking into.

You could start with the K10 test on the beyond blue web site?

From your post it sounds like you are unable to speak with anyone about how you feel. At the same time you have been able to post here. If you are at school, do you think that you could speak with the school counsellor. Or if you were at Uni, contact the counselling section through student services?

Ultimately I want you to know that you are not alone. And you are not weak if you do get help. While I might have had similar thoughts at being weak, many people have also told me how brave or courageous I am in getting help and being able to talk about it. People will and do care about you.

I don't want to overwhelm you with information, just let you know that I be with you on this journey. Be kind to yourself, and hope to hear from you soon.

Peace and comforting thoughts,

Tim