What Now...?

[mtill17]

This is my first post on beyond blue, or any similar website for that matter.

I am currently in grade 11 at school, but I started getting hit by 'depression' back in grade 9. I have always been a high achiever kind of person, Academically speaking, I would be in the top section of all of my classes and get good grades, student leader etc. I was always pushed by my parents to achieve achieve achieve.. I feel like whilst I was so busy achieving I missed something crucial, I have never felt like I fit into society, there were always people who I would hang around, or be with at break but it always felt like I was tolerated, I never socialized with anybody outside of school. Over the next few years I reached out and attempted to build friendships with various people, in the end I always felt used, or like I was the person who people would only hang around if they needed me or I was the last person available. Other friendships lead into further spouts of depression, each time worse. For some reason people tend to unload on me, or feel as if they can talk to me; this lead to further stressors with me having to deal with other peoples troubles, I was then blamed for one of my "friends" attempts and feelings towards suicide. There have been other issues aswell.

Due to these experiences I tend to not trust society, I have no social life, no 'real' friends. I know this is my own fault as I distanced myself because I know they will only let me down...

Because I was always a school leader etc I spend ALOT of time volunteering for yearbook, stage productions and other projects around my school, this year I also took up a university course ontop of full subjects at school. I also work part time at mc donalds.

Over these years teachers have picked up on me and I have been reported to the school chaplain for counselling. I tried opening up to her but the school called my parents and told them I was going to commit
suicide. This only made matters worse, my parents hassled me about it for a while but soon (and still now) seem to pretend it did not happen... in grade 9 in one of my bad stages I burst out and attacked my bestfriend.. (Super extremely irrational behaviour for me) . My ' depression' seems to come and go in stages mostly affecting me at the same time each year. I have never seen a doctor and and am thus unsure if I truly have depression? Am I dramatising nothing? I struggle to see a point in keeping on living but dont believe I could /  would suicide?


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[laughing-in-purple-rain]

Dear mtill17 :), 

First, I'd like to congratulate you for being mature and responsible, for making decision to seek help like this. 

From what you have written about your situation I can see you're doing great. Those are normal problems of the normal development. 

You are trying to find a balance between your external and internal world. If your external world (high expectations, achievements) is emphasised than your internal world (intimate relationships with friends but above all - friendship with yourself) suffers. Yes, that balance is very hard to find and even harder to sustain. But that is life. we are all walking on that path, you know.  

The best thing you can do for yourself is to LOVE yourself, and I mean unconditionally love YOURSELF. There should be no IF's - for example, if I have many friends, if I do this or that or have this or that. That is where the trouble starts, where we make the gap between real ourselves and the mask we are wearing for others (for the school, for parents, for whoever). 

You seem like a really intelligent and rational young person. The whole life is in from of you but it will not happened without you - so make it positive, make it honest, make it "the best" of real you 🙂

Of course, you can do it. You have parents that care. they can be your first circle of friends. They used to be when you were little, remember?

Maybe they did not know how to approach, but you can give them a hint or two. Make short-term plans and take small steps. For example, today I will spend more time with Mom, i will help her with groceries or I will share with my dad what had happened in school the other day or something else. 

Let them know how you feel, directly, its best for all of you. if it goes through school counselling service, the outcomes are, as you saw, different and uncomfortable.

of course you know they love you unconditionally but do you know that is all you actually need? They want best for you, of course, but at the same time they are just a human beings as well and need some help and support. You! 🙂

In your age, having friends is very important in building social self and self-esteem, but hey, if you haven't met someone you feel connected to, that's OK. Relax. Give yourself some time because it will happen. 

There is an old saying "many friends = no friends." 

Forget the medical terms, diagnosis and fears. Just be friends with you, walk on the sunny side of street and everything will clear up soon 🙂 

Good luck!

[mtill17]

Hi laughing-in-purple-rain, 

Thankyou for the reply and advice..

I know the only thing that really matters is how I feel about myself and whilst I know that I am a good person I cant help feeling hopeless, I wake up each morning dreading the day ahead, not wanting to face the world I know is waiting for me outside. 

I have felt this way for over two years now and fear that it will only get harder if it is to ever end at all...

As I said before my depression is almost like a cycle going the greater half of each year with only short windows of sunshine in between. As I am now in the third major cycle I wonder if it will ever end... I always try to walk the sunny side of the street as you say but eventually get bogged down by one thing or another...

I know that my family is what is important and I have a strong relationship with both of my parents, whenever I try to ask for help or try to explain how I feel they just tell me I have nothing to be depressed about and just to keep on going...

I feel as if I have to wear a 'mask' just to 'fit in' with society but whenever I have tried this I just end up hating myself more because of the frustration of the 'real' me not being good enough for everybody else. I tell myself that what they think is not important and all that matters is me and thus I distance myself, cut off ties with people. I tell myself that this is healthy and that there is then nobody to let me down... 

Perhaps what scares me the most is the fact that I saw myself cracking in grade 9 and 10 with things only getting worse in year 11, with all of the stress and pressure of year 12 how will I survive!!?? I wish there was some way to help the hopelessness but I just feel like I am digging myself deeper and deeper just waiting for the walls to collapse all ontop of me....

I can feel myself about to explode and fear the damage it might have on myself and others... I just dont know what to do!

[Flex]

Please ask your parents to book an appointment with Doctor who you can explain your symptoms to him/her you've come to the right place for advice good on you for seeking out some help it must been bothering you enough to do so the good news is there is so much help available for you right now so please make that meeting with your doctor and see what he says after you've been totally honest with him. Don't lave it any longer mate. Also Life Line & Beyondblue have 24/7 phone counselling its by a trained professional person. Please don't commit suicide call this service if you find yourself having these thoughts again. Take care Hope this helps..

Kind regards,

Flex