What is wrong with me?

[LexiFoxx]

Hi everyone,

I'm 17 years old, and just recently I've been feeling absolutely rubbish. I just feel sad, guilty, angry and irritable for no reason. I can't be bothered half the time to do chores and things I supposed to do, I can't pay attention in lectures at university, I can't do my uni work, and sometimes I feel like nothing is wrong with me at all and I'm happy, but sometimes I just feel like I just want to self-harm (never actually done it) and just sit inside all day feeling down...I'm seeing a psychologist but I'm not being told what's up with me, so I have no idea what he thinks is going on inside my head and I'm just so confused and scared. Is anyone please able to shed some light on the matter? Thank you x

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[Jacko777]

Hi LexiFoxx,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, I am glad you have posted and I am sorry to hear you having a rough time. Why won't your psychologist tell you what he thinks is going on? I would get in contact with the BB phone service for some advice and support, they can help you with this.

Have you tried anything that helps with your symptoms? You could try some breathing exercises if you are feeling anxious, some meditation can be great for calming the mind. Have you changed anything recently that may coincide with the onset of your symptoms? Have you tried the 1 minute checklist on the BB home page?

Take satisfaction from knowing that you are on a path of recovery that will bring you greater peace and happiness. Talk any time.

Jack

[BenD]

Hi LexiFoxx,

Just adding to the good stuff that Jacko has said, I started CBT courses through my uni counsellor when I was 17 and they have really helped (I'm 23 now). Even if you are not sure precisely what you are dealing with, there are modules for things that you just might want to get better at you can google these to find some.

Ben

[geoff]

dear LFox, hi and thanks for posting.

Jacko has offered some great advice, and although we aren't psychologists all of us have been through hell, so we can offer our help and advice to you, but what does astound me is that your own psychologist has not told you what you maybe suffering from, but from what you have said is seems as though this terrible illness has encroached upon you, that is, it's depression.

Am I sticking my neck out by saying this, maybe or maybe not, but I'll stand by it, and I'm pleased that BB Moderators have been in contact with you.

Perhaps you could defer your uni course as one option, or another is to get an extension on any essays, but if you feel as though you just can't handle it at the moment, then it would probably be best to defer.

You also have to be happy with the psychologist you are presently seeing, because if you're not, then it really is a waste of your time, because you need someone who you can click with, which is really important.

You also don't mention taking any antidepressants which may also be something you can talk to your doctor about.

Hop that you can get back to us. Geoff.

[LexiFoxx]

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for getting back to me 🙂 I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow afternoon, so I may talk to him about a few of these concerns and whatnot. It's really starting to impact my day to day life, and I find myself freaking out over how much food I eat because I'm scared of gaining weight, but I'm not starving myself either (though given the chance I probably would, my mum thankfully keeps an eye on me). At the same time that I feel university deferment would be really good for me, I feel like I'd be disappointing my parents and myself for not pushing through and leading a 'normal' life. I haven't spoken to my mum or dad a lot about how I really feel, in fact they doubted that I had to go to a psychologist because I'd been hiding how I really felt for so long, that they thought I was totally fine. The past few days have been the worst I've ever experienced in my depression, I've been crying so much, sleep so soundly but wake up exhausted, I haven't studied in who knows how long, and I'm just scared I'll fail my courses. My biggest fear is also becoming an inpatient. I know it'd break my parents' hearts to hear that I'd have to go into a hospital for any kind of treatment, but as I mentioned, I haven't self-harmed as of yet and I don't intend to if I have anything to say about it, but are there any other reasons people can become inpatients? I just want to stop feeling sad, and I embrace the good days/moments so tightly when I don't feel like rubbish, yet I always somehow feel guilty to my parents for feeling this way. I know it'd probably break their heart to know that their little girl just feels so sad all the time...But again, thank you all for the posts, it's all great advice and I really am taking it to heart x

[Jacko777]

Hi LexiFoxx,

I could be wrong but I think your parents would want to help you, I don't think it will break their hearts, sure they might be concerned and sad but I reckon they would want you to be able to talk to them a such time, especially if you are still living with them. Perhaps your parent have high expectations of you, hence your guilt.

I am glad you embrace the good days/moments, remember them often and push yourself to keep focused on the good and positive things that bring you happiness. Talk to your psychologist about your uni deferment idea, it could be good for you to take a break but then again it could end up being the positive thing that you can focus on. If you want to talk about it, what are you studying?

Jack

[saree]

Hi LexiFoxx,

from what you've said it sounds like you're going through a lot of the things I have/am going through. I just wanted to comment on you contemplating taking some time off uni, I did and it was the only decision i've ever made by myself that I didn't regret. 

I've had depression for a long time now but refused to acknowledge it until recently. I would constantly feel guilty, hated, like an outcast and so on... when I got to university I expected everything to change and that it would all be fine once I started. I can imagine that you know from experience that this doesn't exactly happen. I'd always done well in school despite my illness and for the first time ever I was failing classes. I had no motivation and in the end I had to pack it in all together because it made me feel miserable. I decided to take 1 semester off, my parents weren't happy and disagreed but I felt much more relieved. then i took the whole year off.  the 'disappointing my parents' thing kicked in and I felt worse than I ever had. I didn't know what to do, every 5 minutes I changed my mind on where I wanted my career to go and my parents were confused and frustrated because they didn't understand.

One thing that i will stress to you is TELL YOUR PARENTS how you feel. I left it too long and suffered a year of extra pain than i needed to. as it happens, when I finally spoke to my mum about things she completely understood, she advised me to see doctors and she had actually been suffering with depression for a long time herself and was completely understanding.

After some time and real thought into my future I returned to uni at my own pace. I am now studying part time and actually enjoying uni... I'm at the top of my class and don't dread every day. I would definitely say taking a break is a good idea. there is no rush. You can ease yourself back into university when you're ready, if thats what you want to do. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to do 4 units per semester either just because thats what everyone else does. 

Voicing your concerns to your parents is extremely important, if you are close to them and depend greatly on what they think like I did, let them know exactly how you're feeling so they can appreciate and accommodate that into their advice. and if they don't believe you or agree with what you want, its still your life... they will love you even if they don't like your decisions, trust me!!

[LexiFoxx]

Thank you Jacko and Saree for the replies, they're definitely really helpful 🙂

I've opened up more to my parents about how I feel and it's nice to finally get it off my chest. I was actually just diagnosed with type II Bipolar disorder (rapid cycling), and that medication is recommended. I don't know what kind of medication, because I don't want to become 'numbed and dull' like a lot of other people have told me that these drugs do. I don't know what to believe about side effects and all that, and I know that there are drugs like mood stabilisers which can have some really undesirable side effects, but that are still quite effective. Does anyone here who is on some kind of medicine for type II bipolar (I don't know if the same drugs are used for type I bipolar) recommend to stay away from them or are they really safe and helpful? I'm seeing a GP soon, so maybe they can also help me out, but it's also nice to know something about them from people who have had experience with them 🙂 

Thank you all! x