What is even happening.

[DisplayName02]

Hi, Im 18 and I have struggled for a long time with something i never know how to talk about or explain. If this is confusing im sorry im not great with words. The issue with explaining it is its constantly evolving and changing; from one moment to the next my explanation whether written or spoken becomes alien to me, and i cannot empathise with myself through it at all. Its as if my past self is not me at all - and not simply in the natural sense but in a far more heightened sense. To give examples- out of the five people I have attempted to explain it to one was my old therapist. I had a few sessions with him and while I clearly remember what I said, its seems so foreign to me. In fact through my 10 or so years of struggling with this thing the only constant has been the knowledge that it will become foreign to me within seconds.

The issue is I feel that I cant trust my knowledge about myself- i cannot say Im feeling a certain way because Im not sure if I am or if Im just making it up. Im a fairly imaginative person, I can create emotion and reactions in myself in fake scenarios I devise (for writing) so how can I trust the emotions and reactions in me enough to describe them to someone else. I also struggle with remembering anything after its done, my memories of myself are all but dissapeared. The worst part of this is I can go months without experiencing anything and then all of a sudden this thing is just there and i cant seem to even understand what it is. And a quick clarification- I cannot even begin to comprehend it, ive tried. During these months its easy to convince myself that Im making it up, maybe for attention - but again that doesnt make sense as I dont tell people. I am mostly a very stable person with a very stable background, other than this thing (that Im not even sure exists) Im pretty much one of the most grounded people I know in the most humble way possible. I dont have issues with stress or anger - even the opposite, I quite literally have never felt actual anger at anyone before. In normal life I am the last person to have anything like this.

And yet I have memories of self-harm. I have memories of sobbing for hours, of gasping and heaving and aching with this pressure bursting from me. This absolute fear of smth inside me.

And yet it still means nothing to me.

Im sorry cuse this is way too long. And a bit stupid. Im completely fine rn, but maybe im not idk.

[felix mendelssohn]

Hi again Display Name,

Just a quick response because I really can't muster the energy to fully engage atm, yet don't want you to feel ignored. Oh, and I'm really glad that you found some of what I said to be pertinent/relevant in some way. Hopefully what I'm about to say does not undo all of that, haha, but I just want to present one possible interpretation of what may be going on

From my position right now, and I hope I don't come across as curt or callous in any way, it seems to me that you are obsessing intensely over your thoughts... being 'hyper-introspective' if you will. To reflect on why we might have thought, said or done anything is, I would say, a sign of immense maturity, particularly from someone of your age.

A part of this introspective process is the need for objectivity; we need to critically analyse our thinking/actions from a perspective other than our own. We could do this by seeking someone else's views (which we might argue are just as unreliable as our own) or perhaps by assessing ourselves by some sort of grounded metric or ethical framework - those are ways to keep ourselves accountable and to assure ourselves that what we are doing is sensible/valid/correct/sane/of-high-quality/responsible etc.

What I suspect you may be doing is, instead of utilising those aforementioned guides, subconsciously taking the much more extreme step of quite literally 'discarding' your own understanding of your decision-making/thought-processes in order to achieve that desired objectivity. Once you've done this, you may not be able to relate to your past actions, because you are so committed to understanding yourself without being at all biased in forming that understanding of yourself. Some serious mental gymnastics there, but maybe some of that makes sense?

I could be TOTALLY wrong about all of that - it's just one hypothesis that comes to mind in my beleaguered and slightly drug-addled state, but maybe even if just 2% of that really clicked then that's a start.

Also, the rising, don't know if you're still following this at all, but is it possible to elaborate on some of these 'spiritual emergency' ideas that you've read? Even just a very brief summary if that's even possible? It sounds fascinating and potentially quite relevant.

Turns out that wasn't a quick post after all...

Felix

[therising]

Hi felix

There's a lot of info out there regarding spiritual emergency and awakening. People experience very different things so it's hard to name an exact course (how things unfold).

May sound strange or even simplistic in parts but stick with me as I try my best to give you an example of how things can unfold:

Many of us start off as highly imaginative sensitive little folk. We imagine climbing a tree and then we go and do it. Our mother may freak out and tell us 'You can't do that!', so we wipe repeating that endeavor out of our imagination. We may imagine a whole stack of things and can, again, be told 'You cant' do that!' to just about all of them. So, the imagination that we once accessed for the purpose of inspiration, adventure and excitement is no longer accessed as much. We become too grounded, too often brought down and gradually unbalanced. We lose our spiritual or natural self along the way. 'Climb the tree but wear a harness' (like with rock climbing), allows imagination to remain a resource with a balance of life skill (a healthy reality). Of course, trauma can suddenly shift our sense of reality if it's not managed.

At some stage in life, for one reason or another, reality can shift again. Imagination and the pineal gland can become more active. If this is sudden, some can find themselves feeling like they're stuck between 2 realities or going 'crazy'. By the way, daydreaming is a great way to access imagination/possibility. Eg: Some may dream the intense reality of confronting a person who was abusive in the early part of our life vs the reality 'You can't do that!' One reality is self-serving (in an empowering way), the other self-defeating. If confrontation is chosen, after all those years, overall reality and perception can further shift. The courageous you is suddenly brought back to life. You can also can re-turn to unconditional self love.

With certain reality shifts there can be physical challenges. It's said that we store mental dis-ease in the physical body. When the mental stuff shifts so too can the physical. It's said that the body can go through a stage of release and some folk really feel it in various systems (muscular, nervous, hormonal etc). Such release can exhaust some people before heightened states of energy and excitement come into play.

So, basically, it's about the process of emergence or re-emergence of the natural self. It's deemed an emergency when things become seriously disorientating and help is needed.

🙂

[DisplayName02]

Hi

firstly sorry for not replying here, ive had a lot of issues recently with this whole virus thing bc i dont really have a stable living arrangment. I also felt for a short time very much disconnected to what i was writing and the whole concept of feeling bad in any regard. Right now I still feel kinda like that, but i just feel so crazy that im hoping this will sort of provide an outlet? Im not feeling physically very good or mentally and idk. Its just like, im being torn apart? Like everything is just imploding and stretching and... i really cant explain it. Its a physical thing and yea. but yea if i dissapear again its probably bc when i feel good i get kinda disgusted by this whole thing, like when u do something embarrassing and u just want to avoid everything and everyone connected to it. idk.

yea idk to be honest. i hope ur doing well felix, and that ur taking care of urself. I probably shouldve put that in ur thread but im not sure i have the courage to (? right word probably not cuse i cant explain myself)

so rant time

physically i feel like &@*% my joints have been popping out (normal for me but hurts) i feel bloated and tired and achy and like my throat is closed up. my ankles are sore and i keep wanting to throw up. I also keep waking up with random sensitive patches on my skin and i cant seem to get enough hydration. my heart wont stop pounding like crazy and i cant get enough breathe and i feel like crying for no reason. ive been sleeping like 15 hours a night and my leg is sore and idk i just feel weird af and im not worried per say but it just is ugh.

and then mentally idek. im fine usually. like. idk. i just feel crap now bc i paid attention to it? I felt fine but then i remembered this and then i wasnt so its stupid bc its not

idk how to explain myself. i cant think. i wanna cry.

sorry.

[felix mendelssohn]

Nice to hear from you again DisplayName!

Totally fine to take a break from these forums if you're feeling decent and not relating to your struggles anymore. Of course, with you that takes on a special meaning... Yes I know what you mean about feeling embarrassed by it - I experience that regardless of how strongly I relate to what I've written.

As for the symptoms you've described, gee, idk either! Of course if you're really concerned see a doctor. I will say though, my experience withdrawing from antidepressants hasn't been totally dissimilar. My sleep's gone wacky, getting heart palpitations, want to cry for no reason and so forth.

One other thought... it could be psychosomatic?? You seem to (at times) have a fairly hyperactive but confused mind - perhaps this is suddenly manifesting itself in a range of similarly confusing symptoms? Just an idea, but yeah, probably get a doctor to rule out other things first. 🙂

Hope you're otherwise keeping well!

Felix

[DisplayName02]

Hey felix,

Thankyou for listening to my rant, gosh I was not in a good place when i wrote that. Ive been feeling somewhat worse physically but i hesitate to go to the doctor , long story but its not a place i think of as providing any helpful advice. That being said, if it gets worse I might.

The psychosomatic idea is def one to look into, ive never actually heard of that before so it would be interesting to track my mood against my symptoms for a long time and see how they correlate?

Anyways thankyou again for replying and sticking with me through this craziness. Ive written a seperate reply on ur thread to check in but basically I hope youre doing well and feeling a bit more "in control" (?? again my words are escaping me atm whoops)

Stay safe x

[felix mendelssohn]

Hello Displayname, just writing to ask how you're going generally? Also want to say, I know you don't feel so comfortable writing here when you're feeling good and on top of things, but I reckon that's a really important snapshot of who you are and probably sheds helpful light into how to deal with things when you're less well. So I'd actually encourage you to write when you're feeling okay if any of that makes sense. I now despise myself for sounding like some pseudo-psychologist but hopefully you get the gist of it.

Take care,

Felix

[DisplayName02]

Hi felix

Thanks for checking in. Im currently feeling quite uhm like floaty? its difficult to describe but its sort of like I dont really exist? Or I do, but im just waiting for something. Its not a nessecarily bad feeling, its actually quite pleasant, but it does mean that days slip by me quite fast and I tend to not be able to pay attention to the subtle social cues around me. Luckily the few people i regularly talk to are used to me just dissapearing of the grid for no reason, but nevertheless im lucky I currently dont have much in terms of responsibilities.

Another way of describing the feeling is probably through how I deal with it. Often when I used to feel like this it (obvs) initially caused some distress bc its not "normal". I began to deal with it by creating stories to make 'reasons'. I didnt believe these stories but it settled my stress - and now I dont have that associated stress anymore. These stories included things like having amnesia and being put into a different life, or actually having an innate power that was being suppressed. Generally a sense of I was something, and I was being "squished" into what I was now, and Im waiting for something. I really dont know how to explain, but if maybe youve watched doctor who, when the tenth doctor becomes human "john smith" and this guy doesnt really exist but he also does. Idk its difficult.

Anyways thats a rant and a half, but its the most pure form of how im feeling so probably best to leave it as is. As for writing when Im feeling good, I definitely think thats a good idea, dont stress its smart! I do need a better coping mechanism than what I have now, which is pretty much just putting aside all my feelings and pretending they dont exist.

Thankyou ❤️

displayname

[therising]

Hi DN02

It's definitely hard when you're trying to put your finger on what's going on when you've got absolutely no idea where to start looking.

Personally, I like the holistic approach to analysis when I'm completely puzzled regarding the nature of things. Sometimes I can spend hours researching a single aspect of wondering and find myself with quite an education. For example, I could research the topic of a shift in reality to find:

• In psychiatry it could be regarded as disassociation
• In regard to the physical or quantum mechanics (the study of matter), I could find heaps on the theory of alternate realities
• In the world of the spiritual, I could find loads on reality shifts in the process of 'awakening'
• Another interesting subject is epigenetics. One of my favourite books is 'Becoming Supernatural' by Dr Joe Dispenza. Dr Bruce Lipton is another interesting guy. It is gradually being proven that we can alter our own DNA to the point where the double helix slowly unwinds/relaxes, which can be a pretty trippy process at times for some folk

The reason I tend to lean more toward the spiritual (non religious) or what I regard as the natural and sometimes super natural is because I find a lot of info that tends to help me through some of my highly questionable processes. I remember one day, before I was due to start work, suddenly thinking 'I don't feel real. Oh my god, life doesn't feel real. I'm scared. What's happening to me? What if life is not real, then I don't really need to go to work and it won't matter'. Luckily, the voice of reasoning kicked in saying 'You need to go to work or you'll be in trouble'. Praise the voice of reasoning 🙂 I went to work and it grounded me back in 'reality'. Grounding is a very important process when we're 'floating'.

I think one of the toughest parts to get used to is 'not thinking'. We're so programed to think to the point where when we stop thinking it feels super uncomfortable. You know 'the flow' people talk about in 'going with the flow', it actually requires little thinking. You just let things come to you and guide you naturally. Example: Someone says 'Let's go ice skating!' and the 1st thing that comes to you is 'Yeah!'. Then you start to think 'But I don't like ice skating. It's too cold' and so on. You've thought your way out of the experience. Initially you were excited. I tend to live in the flow and use thought to ground myself. Personally, I'm not overly fond of ice skating but I'd go for the laughs.

🙂

[felix mendelssohn]

Hiya Displayname, hope all is well,

I used to watch Dr Who all the time as a kid and yes, I do remember that episode! Though it was so long ago... He was sort of in denial, just wanting to live a life of simple while things degenerated around him I think? Of course that's not really your point.

The idea of indulging different identities to maybe explain why things are happening or why you may feel things is pretty tempting. Maybe it's unhealthy, maybe it's fine, I'm not really sure. In my unqualified opinion, you don't seem at all delusional to me, just seeking ways to make sense of what you're experiencing.

With regards to what therising has said (hi again), as much as I'm pretty sceptical and cynical of anything and everything, I think this is good advice. I feel like you may experience a compulsion to over-rationalise and seek explanations for everything that you feel and do. Embracing your 'intuition' to a point could really help, keeping in mind that our perceptions/attitudes towards events are in many ways just as significant as the events themselves. Hope this sort of made sense - am a bit drunk 😞

Take care,

Felix