Way to cope with an unhappy life and not let depression hinder work?

[lp1379-3906dx]

Please read my previous thread for background info: “Would talking to a psychologist help me feel better” in the Young People forum

I am so anxious about immigration, because I need to do a lot of to prepare and policies are so volatile. I really do not want to go back to my country. My mum makes the anxiety worse as she calls frequently to verbally abuse me, stress on how I have always failed, and generally say very horrible things. She would later attempt to make up with me by conversing casually and just not mentioning what happened. She has repeated this behaviour as far as I can remember, whether I live with her or not. When I tried to ignore her before, the backlashes were terrible and it traumatised me. I get terrible anxiety if I don't answer the calls.

A few other things she has done: pull and tear the clothes I'm wearing if she is unhappy with them, tear my letters (I tried to communicate with her through other means as talking was futile), beating me and then telling me I'm selfish and ridiculous when I said I wanted to kill myself. She pressured me into quitting my job to pursue postgrad education and as such I am not fully independent, again. Even though she made me do it, she always says that I'm selfish, blaming me for literally everything -big or small - that happens to her, and continues to project her hatred for my father and his family onto me. 25 years ago, she couldn't file a divorce because she was pregnant with me in the first place.

My mother has been a victim of the systematic misogyny in our backwards country, I know, but I hate her, I hate her so much, I constantly get sad because I know she won't die. I can't get rid of my love for her either, I still worry about her a lot. Contradicting, I know. A phone call from her would make me depressed for days, unable to do anything, and these days I am so anxious about migration, I can't focus on study, I can't read, can't write papers - I can't think.

I have been so unhappy my entire life. As it stands now I have virtually no chance to pursue happiness - which would involve never having to associate with my mum again, never having to live in that terrible home country again, becoming stable and starting to invest in things that interest me. Consultation wouldn't help when the problem is with my life and not with my head. Alright, I am actually supposed to be writing a paper right now, but I cannot...for the life of me...I don't know.

[LaneJ]

Hey lp,

Wow this sounds so hard. When I read your post all I can think of how strong you must be to keep pushing through all the challenges you are faced with.

While our situations are different, I too have had family struggles and I know that it can be completely contradictory and completely confusing to both love and hate someone at the same time. It sounds like your mum really struggles to manage any sort of emotional situation. While there could be various reasons for this, it doesn't make it easier for us as children to try and understand or deal with it. I think it sounds like you have been trying to do all the right things though (like writing to her) so don't beat yourself up about it. You're doing everything you can to try and improve the situation.

Im sorry that you feel like there is no chance of happiness in your future. That must make you feel really upset and lonely. I have felt like that in the past too, but over time I was able to see glimpses of a really good future. I have managed to stick it out and I can currently say I'm heaps heaps happier than I used to be.

I wonder if you picture your life, or yourself, in 10 to 15 years from now where do you think you will be? What do you think your life will be like? It sounds like with your post grad studies you will be able to get a new job, and get back to being and feeling independent again. I wonder how your experiences will shape the sort of work you choose to do then?

In the mean time, even if you don't feel up to seeing a psychologist or some other form of professional support, the beyondblue forums are always here and it's been great to listen to your story and learn more about you.

lanejane

[Sophie_M]

Hi lp, thanks for posting again. We're going to close this thread off and encourage you to keep using your other thread. 

When seeking support on the forums, we really encourage members to use one thread rather than starting new ones all the time.  It's really difficult for the community to keep up with your story if you have a lot of threads going at once, and you may find yourself having to repeat information if your story is spread across the forum - sometimes our members will be repeating themselves as well if it's an issue you've had previously.  

Help us to support you by keeping to one thread, even if you're returning here after a period of time.  There's a lot of value in seeing how someone's story evolves over time, and when facing a new crisis it's helpful to scroll back and see how you've coped previously.

Link to earlier thread:
Would talking to a psychologist help me feel better?