Unsure about family

[BlossomFox]

Gonna make this short and sweet. 2 years ago i moved out of home. Parents would not originally allow me so out of fear, i had cops come along as i left so i could go to a refuge. I was sexually harrassed by my step dad and i had to babysit so often it was unhealthy. When I hurt myself, my mum threatened to send me to a crazyhouse instead of trying to help. I have had Severe anxiety, depression and ptsd since i was 13. (im 19 now) I am living in a comfortable home now with my beautiful girlfriend. Since I moved out, I've been trying to get my mum to talk to me and be friends. I don't know why but she won't accept any apologies for moving out so drastically. I want things to be right again because i want to see my siblings. I practically raised them. I finally resorted to telling her that it was all me and nothing to do with her. Which was a massive lie. She said thankyou and what i said was really nice but things still arent good. I asked how i could fix it and she told me to ask my step dad. I asked him and he said there might not ever be a way to make things better. He told me to suggest a thing i could do to make it better. I don't know what to do. I am so lost. Find a way to fix the relationship that might not even fix it. In return if it works i get to see my siblings grow up. I love them to the bottom of my heart and ive seen them twice in 2 years. It is killing me. But i dont want to build a relationship on a lie. But if i dont fix it and cut them out of my life, my nan will keep nagging me, i wont see my siblings and i will be upset. Actually, either scenario i would be sad. I cant tell her the truth again because everytime i say the truth, they take internet away from my 14 year old sister so she cant see me and that hurts. They wont do family councilling. Ive been trying for 2 years and they havent budged until i said a lie.

[pipsy]

Hi BlossomFox. Unfortunately, from the sounds of things there is not room for compromise here. If you want to see your siblings, it's your parents way, or no way. The family counselling idea has been rejected, all attempts on your behalf for reconciliation have been refused/rejected. Your parents are obviously afraid of what you will tell your siblings too. Hence the refusal to allow you to see them. Your mum and stepdad are actually blaming you instead of taking responsibility for their actions. When children are abused by relations/friends etc often they are led to believe it's their fault. If they had been better behaved, etc. The abuse inflicted on you was in no way, your fault. What your parents are attempting to do by forcing you to accept blame is wrong and they need to know this. You may have no choice, here but to tell your nan exactly what's been happening. I know how hard and hurtful it's going to be (been there, done that). Once your nan knows the truth, it's possible she may be able to help you reconnect with your siblings away from your parents. Whether she's your mum's mum or your stepdad's mum hopefully, once she adjusts to the shock of knowing, she could be a tower of strength for you. Unfortunately your mum sounds a bit like she's in denial regarding your stepdad's actions. This could be because she loves him and doesn't want to admit or face the truth. Maybe you could see a Dr, get a referral to a counsellor and get some advise from that quarter. You're 19, so you wouldn't need to let your parents know you're talking to a counsellor.

Lynda

[Starwolf]

Hi BlossomFox and a warm welcome to these forums. Thank you for sharing your story.

Lynda has given you good advice. Relationships built on lies are not viable. Sooner or later, maintaining pretense will become impossible.

Like you, I grew up in a dysfunctional family and suffered physical and emotional abuse. I know what it feels to have parents trying to make you shoulder responsibilities that are not yours, to live with the threat of being locked up in some institution because they're in denial of their own issues. Shifting the blame on someone else is way easier.

How do you feel about opening up to your grandmother ? Could she become a useful ally from within the family ? If it could work, I agree that it would be your best bet. It seems nothing good could come from your parents' side. They may well use "reconciliation" to put pressure on you, play a power game...do what they want or else. Their attitude doesn't encourage trust, does it ? Besides, how can you reconcile with sexual harassment at the hands of someone who's supposed to take care of you ?

Their attitude clearly shows they haven't changed since your departure. Change is beyond some people. It can only happen if we first acknowledge exactly what we are and take full responsibility for it. It appears your parents don't fit those requirements.

A wedge has been created to separate you from your siblings. I understand how painful this situation is for you but you must be cautious.

This is why I also think seeing a counselor would help figure what you can do, what resources are available.

My best wishes are with you.