Trying but failing.

[Suffering_Anxiety_Samanth]

I've had depression for as long as I remember. I don't remember a time when I haven't had this aching hole of emptiness inside of me. I try to take it one day at a time and consider even the littlest steps forward a big achievement. But then there's the steps backwards (although I wouldn't call them that, I'd call them being shoved backwards). People say not to dwell on them, but how can you not? I have moments when I... Struggle more than I'd care to admit. I feel defeated. I don't really know where to go from here. I'm at a crossroads in my life and I need to decide where to from here. Because the way I'm thinking lately, the niggling thoughts... They're pretty hard to deal with. "you're fat", "you're not pretty enough", "why would anyone like you?" and, my personal favourite, "well no one would care if you were gone anyway". I know in my head that it's not the truth, but you just feel so alone that it becomes the reality. Maybe it would be easier. I know it would be easier on me if I didn't have to feel this way... If I didn't have to feel. I wish the thoughts would disappear, and sometimes it appears that they have... And then they return. What to do? 

[Dav82]

Hi Sanantha,

Just know that you are not alone with the way you are feeling. Alot of what you said I feel the same way. We can't ignore these feelings and I believe talking about them is the best thing for us. For me. ... These bad thoughts never really disappear but I find talking about them and not bottling them up helps release the pressure.

You are not worthless. You are special and never forget that. Keep your chin up and I wish you all the best for the future.

[Doolhof]

Dear Samantha,

Thank you so very much for sharing your story here. I am sure a lot of the people reading your post can totally understand how you are feeling! Me too! Some days it can be very hard to control our thoughts and to change them into something more positive.

I can so relate to your times of struggle, of being at a cross road and not knowing where to go or how to proceed, like feeling as though you are going backwards instead of forwards. It seems you are very aware of all of this, so that means to me that you are able to move forward just through your own understanding of what is happening in your mind.

We all have bad days, some of us have really rotten days, but there is always tomorrow which we can work on to be a much better day. I was at a session once for one therapy or another for depression and the person giving the talk said that when unhelpful thoughts come to your mind, recognise those thoughts are there, and start to sing to yourself. Your brain can not carry two thoughts at once. Mine can't anyway. So when a negative thought came my way, I tried to think of a song and the only one that came to me was "Old McDonald's farm". So I started to sing that in my head. While I was busy trying to think of all the animals that could be on that farm, I forgot the negative thoughts in my head.

I tend to write too much so I will try to be a little more succinct with this. DISTRACTION is an answer.

Change the way your mind is going. Have you tried cognitive therapy? Consider the thoughts and change them to something more real and truthful.

Continue to share your thoughts and concerns here and people will support you. It helps me just to write stuff down and get it out of my head.

Seek help from your Dr if you haven't already and if you think you need it.

If you reach a crisis point, use one of the phone lines, like the Beyond Blue one or Lifeline and chat with someone.

Don't think you are ever alone and that no one cares, there is always someone you can reach out to.

Do something nice for yourself today, paint your fingernails, have a bubble bath, read a book, pick yourself some flowers, think of things that make you happy.

Think of a song you can sing to yourself to drown out those negative thoughts.

Wishing you a strong mind and a brighter day, from Mrs. Dools