Today is the first day I have ever talked my anxiety. I need help.

[Aspirant]

Hello, I hope this is appropriate.

Saying this is scary. I have struggled with social anxiety for as long as I can remember. It has felt crippling. Nobody knows because I have never dared to tell anyone. Feeling better now but earlier today I had a breakdown/breakthrough and for the first time voiced my problems. In writing at least. I entered the following stream of consciousness into a word document:

It is 7:18PM as I type this I am crying. I hate
myself. I hate my mother. I hate my life. Nothing is going right at all. My mum
just blamed me for her health problems, her unhappiness,
everything. It is all my fault she says. She has said she hates herself and it is my fault for being a failure.

She gets mad at me for doing nothing with my life. But how
do I tell her about anxiety when I have heard her mock the idea of mental
health. She thinks both anxiety and depression are fake. I cannot talk to her.

I cannot talk to my friends, they’d laugh at me. When the headnoise becomes
dominant I feel so alone. I know other people have these problems but I still
feel so alone.

The only thing that has ever worked is alcohol but I know
that is only a short term fix and I go months without touching it because
both my parents are alcoholics and that problem is the last thing I need

I am 25. I am a uni dropout, I have never had a job. I so desperately
want to get a job, any kind of job, and get out of here. But I cannot. Partly
because I fear my moms functional alcoholism will get out of control and she
will drink herself to death. And partly because of the crippling social anxiety
that is ruining my life.

I quit uni because the fear of failure in my exams felt like
the worst torture. And the thought of 
a job interview makes my hands shake. I know it is irrational, but it
feels so real. So frightening. So debilitating.

7 years have passed since high school and I have done nothing with my
life in that time. I want more from life, but I fear before long my youth will
be gone and I will have nothing to show for what is meant to be the best time
of your life.

I am controlled by my fears and anxieties. I want to be happier. I want to be
less anxious and scared. But I don’t know how to fix it. 
________
This is a big day for me. The first time I share my deepest secret and ask for help. I want to get better but I don't know how. I have heard about BeyondBlue before and was hoping I could find some advice here. I hope the above was not TMI. Thank you for your time.

[ci]

Well done aspirant that's a huge step!

My advice when your ready see a gp and get mental health plan I like you took long time to admit my problem. So glad that I have my mother also a functioning alcoholic she sounds very similar to yours and at 33 I  finally stood  up to her she has strong views on mental health as well. 

You need to take steps to look after yourself please don't worry about how your mum will be I wasted much of my life worrying about that but you need to look after yourself.

Thing will get better

[Aspirant]

Thank you for your response. I do want to see a doctor but that too makes me anxious. What do I say to the doctor when I go in?

Also is this expensive? I'm unemployed so money is limited. Is it covered by medicare?

[Mummybee]

Hi aspirant 

welcome to beyond blue, and well done for finally reaching out. There are a lot of very knowledgable people on this forum, they will be able to give you lots of advice and tips, as well as share their experiences with anxiety.

if you go to your GP  and ask for a mental health plan, you can access 10 sessions with a mental health professional for a greatly subsidised price. This is for exactly the reason you say, mental health issues don't only affect the rich!

good luck, and I hope that reaching out has helped you feel a little more in control.

keep us posted

mummybee 

[ci]

Hi aspirant

Like mummybee has said medicare help greatly with cost and if you have Healthcare or concession cards I think costs are even lower. Some even bulk bill not many but some so no cost at all. Another option local community centers usually offer free or gold coins donation counseling. 

I know how hard it is to talk to doc but believe me it's worth it to get some help and take the steps forward.

You don't have to say much or go into detail just that you having trouble with anxiety then they will ask you few easy questions yes or no usually to get you on a health plan. 

Please try it's worth it.

[Girlbond_007]

Dear Aspirant,

What amazing strength you have for letting out your illness for the first time. Be positive about that, it is your first step to getting better.

 i have a younger sibling that blames me for all sorts of issues in his life. What I have learnt from my therapy is that I have to learn not to take the blame for this petson's issues. It is their problem and it yours directly. Usually this comes from people who cannot own responsibility. It is hard but I have learnt I have to build a box around this person and only let them into the box in times of crises. Otherwise it's almost like I have to put a mute button on a remote and block it all out. It takes time.

please go and see a GP and ask them to help you write up a mental health plan as you need to speak to someone. Also see if they can find a bulk bilking psychologist for you. The dr will go through a questionnaire with you and also determine if medication is required to help you.

please know you are not alone and just take one small step at a time. It won't happen over night but I promise it will get better.

take care

[Niki]

Please know that I feel for you. I know it seems hard right now but don't do that to yourself. You are not a 'UNI DROP OUT ' You are undertaking a journey. Sometimes shit has to take another path and that is OK.You are helping by posting your thoughts. Believe me when I say, your post alone reminds me that people are amazing creatures and I am privileged to hear your story. It's shit when the only people that will listen are strangers....though its probably for the best 😊message any time....right by your side 

[Neil_1]

Hi Aspirant

I’d also like to extend a warm welcome to you & to thank you so much for coming here.  Your post really was deep & very well presented – you have a great way of expressing your thoughts.  Which leads me straight to seeing your GP – if you felt comfortable enough doing this, then why not print out what you posted & take that to your GP.  I know of a lot of people who have done this in the past as they felt too nervous or anxious to talk to their GP, but they did this as a way to get their issues known by their treating professional.  From that, a few gentle questions can be asked by your doctor & as has been mentioned by other posters, a mental health plan can be done up for you.

Could I please ask what it was at Uni that were you studying?  Is there a possibility that you could recommence this study at some stage this year or do you still feel not in the zone for this to be an option?  No worries at all if it’s not – just a thought I had, that’s all.

The situation with your Mum is unfortunate but just to let you know that you are not on your own in this situation – though I didn’t have this, I’ve read on so many occasions where this has been the case.  This then results that the situation instead of hopefully being put ‘out on the table’ at home & support being given, it makes you feel worse inside & the issues just get bottled up.

I’m guessing that your friends think very lightly of mental health issues also – but is there “one” particular friend who you feel closer to, than others.  One who you think might be there to listen to you – this can be a big positive if you’re able to have such a person, as they can become an ‘in-person’ support for you – I guess as opposed to us on this site.  As we’re here for you in an ‘on-line’ situation, but I hope you know or have found, that we’ll be here for you 100% - to try to offer advice, possible guidance, but above all else, we’ll be here to support you as best we possibly can.

Ps:  you’re not the only one who gets shakey hands, sweaty hands & massive bouts of nervousness when faced with an interview situation.  I mean it really sucks – it’s a situation where you’re asked questions by other humans – it’s not as though they’re going to torture you or anything yet the anxiety build up that we create for ourselves is crazy.  No matter how often I tell myself this, I still get very nervous before an interview.

Neil

[blondguy]

Dear Aspirant

You are a pillar of strength. You are right...Anxiety and Depression are very very real. My parents still dont think they are real feelings/ emotions and an actual physical disorder. I left the family home when i was 16 to get away from exactly what you are suffering.

With the limit of 2500 characters I cant even try to respond to your pain.....All I can say is my anxiety attacks started when I was 22 years old. Even the doctors then didnt get it....But I noticed you said your hands shake (as Neil mentioned in job interviews)

My hands shake a lot...even buying a loaf of bread and being asked the most ridiculous question.."Why are your hands Shaking?" I am that used to that I just pity the person that asks it. It only bothers me now when I try to use my new Nikon camera and my hands start to shake and thus a crap photo lol

You are not a 'Drop Out' . You are mid twenties and well done for having the strength and attitude to get on this website. That in itself makes you a legend...despite what people think.

I also suffer from social anxiety and yes its bad news....but I didnt have the strength you did in my mid twenties....You take care Aspirant

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Aspirant]

I have read all the responses here and I want to thank everybody who took the time. Your words have helped me feel less alone and I really appreciate that. I have made an appointment with a GP. Although the thought of that makes me feel anxious I am hopeful that it will lead to better things in the long term. 

And about the hand shaking issue, that's my only real physical symptom but it can be very off putting. I am self conscious at the best of times but then when my hands shake it is hard to focus on anything but that.

The worst of the anxiety comes at really odd times, for example if I am in a very crowded street I am perfectly calm because I don't feel exposed or like any attention is on me. But if there's only one other person in the street and I am in their field of vision I feel like I'm being judged, that I look stupid/awkward/unattractive.