Hey heyyouthere.
I can hear the desperation in your message. I'm sorry it's difficult for you at the moment. I can very much relate to the exhaustion and depression, though I haven't had personal experience with OCD or BPD, I can understand it gets in the way and would be confusing.
Sometimes it takes a while to learn our triggers. The reason is that once triggered we obviously have a reaction then our thinking changes or our mood changes (or both) and it's hard to back trace to the original trigger. Pre-empting a trigger or being hyper-aware can make it difficult too. A fight with ourselves to find out what's going on usually follows and that can make everything worse!
Are you having regular visits to your Dr or psychologist? I know with some people where medication isn't as effective, regular visits can help a lot. A psychiatrist can also help with medications if you haven't already visited one.
As above with finding the triggers, finding a cause can be equally difficult. Sometimes there is no specific cause, it just is. It can take a bit of persistence to get meds and treatments sorted out, get stable first then work on digging in to see if there is an underlying cause.
For the mean time, please know there are friends here, we understand what it's like to walk past a mirror and look at the person looking back. If you can, try to be as open and candid as you can with the people closest to you. Partner and trusted friend(s). If you have a good relationship with your boss, there's some information on how to have "the" conversation about your mental health on the site here - only if you want to.
Take care and stay in touch. It's not easy, but we all understand!
Paul
