Thinking for last Resorts for my Depression & Anxiety .

[Muddy_Waters]

I've been suffering severe Depression & Anxiety for the past 5 years, I'm a 20 year old male. I've been hospitalised twice for my condition in hospital. Now these days my depression isn't as bad as it was when I was younger but it still haunts me. My Depression was so bad back then that I couldn't even speak, with outbursts of crying and anger moulding in with despair and shame.

 The pain I feel now is like, living in a prison made by my own device. Having anxiety pretty much makes it hard to help stop the depression in it's tracks. The way I feel about myself stops me from going outside to see people, or do things. There's this fear and I have that won't allow me to do certain things. I also worry about the smallest weirdest things like, how I dress myself?

I feel like I'm OCD at times. I won't go out because the shoes I wear doesn't fit these jeans which will make me feel insecure about myself, stuff like that. You know, so to go outside I need to look good, so I feel good about myself. I have this fear of people looking at me and judging how I perceive myself. THIS fear is stopping me from conquering my depression.

Dealing with my depression, I feel lifeless... the only things I've managed to do in the last few months was go to the gym and go for walks/jobs which has helped to a degree but I haven't seen the results I want because I know the exercise I'm doing isn't the correct or right way, and it's very hard to push just yourself. Yet I don't feel anxiety when I do these activities because I'm by myself for most of the time. The last few weeks however I've been purposely sleeping in because I want to dream and escape reality. I stay in home all day most days watching videos on youtube to escape reality. Somedays I feel hope and optimistic about the future, most days I feel very dark and gloomy inside. 

 I've just started living with my dad for the past 6 months now, and he lives very unclean. So the household attracts lots of mice and cockroaches, which I hate. Plus the house is falling apart, the place is like a ghetto. Lucky my mums family place is up the road and I spend alot of my time here because it's more or less relaxing. I know environment can impact how you feel, but this just isn't the case, sure it's gotten harder but nothings hardly changed in the 5 years I've suffered depression.

I guess I just wanted to see what tips or help I could achieve in online forums, I've got a doctors mental health plan installed on the 27th of this month. 

[white knight]

Hi muddy waters. welcome to beyond blue forums

OCD. mental illness has crossover symptoms. bit of this bit of that thrown in just to make it more difficult. I reckon I've had some ADHD in mine but some say its mania...not a lot of apparent difference from my views.

The mental health plan is a good one. I even chose for a podiatrist visit last time to get my feet right and that helped with my feelings about myself. We have to feed our brains sometimes - smother it with care.

About your dads place. If you live there I'd try to clean the place up a little at a time myself and expect nothing of my dad to give input. 20 minutes a day cleaning, a kitchen cupboard a day etc. He needs help to do this IMO. Think about that.You have the time and it will give you a sense of achievement once a section has been finished. This compounds to result in confidence. It is also a way to repay your dad for you living there. Having a roof over your head comes with obligations....nothing is free in life for adults.

Depression. Us sufferers never conquer it, we need to review it often and manage it the best we can. When leds and life is on our side we feel we are ok, normal and having fun like our bad mood wont return then wham, it comes back. Add to that in your case on lack of motivation, preference to be alone and you really have little hope of being released from your own described "prison".

I'm 59yo. I've been there. I only really got relief when I was 47yo when first diagnosed. Then correctly diagnosed at 53yo. so I've survived all those earlier years. How? Because I had an injection in the 1980's of two major things that got me through- wisdom from a great man and positivity from a motivation lecturer.

The wise man was a guy called Maharaji or Prem Rawat. he has youtube videos now. One is "sunset" another "the perfect instrument" and several more. try listening to him. He helped me a lot.

The motivation lecture was amazing. Search for these in your city. Attend one or two. As I said earlier you have to learn to "feed your brain" teach it to move forward and "do" things, not allow it to wallow and rest.

Dont discount another diagnosis. My second diagnosis included dysthymia that led me to being really sad. It all made sense and the medication for this lessened my crying to a satisfactory level. Take opportunity with your health plan to get free visits to a psychiatrist - why not?

I hope I've helped. Some words might not fit good with you but best to be straight. Take care

Tony WK

[Muddy_Waters]

Thanks for commenting man, there's only so few characters I can type!

 Yeah I've cleaned my dad's house regularly and fixed alot up around the house. I've definitely earned my keep, but he doesn't care.. it's kind of a party house plus I do pay $50 p/w.

 I've just been suffering my illness for so long I'm just over it. I know what to do about it, or to help with it.. I have the tools infront of me.. it's just the 'doing' part that gets me haha'.. Just feeling not happy with myself.. I find it hard to go out and do things. Whether it be, getting a job.. going to uni? keeping up with regular exercise.. eating and making healthy food.. and personal hygiene .. why do I stop myself from doing these activites? Is it Laziness mixed with fear/anxiety? I'm feeling worthless that what I feel, yet I know that I have so much potential to be so much more...

Just stuck in a rut man.. 

[white knight]

Hi MW

Yep, know what you mean.

Wrote an article a while ago called "when all else fails what can you do? - be radical"  Find it on google with beyond blue before it. It explains the radical out of the box ideas that can alter so much in your mind.

Things like- change of environment (get a job as a Jackaroo/cook, etc in the outback?) walk into a  Salavation Army shop and say "I'm here for 2 hours to help". catch a hot air balloon ride, parachute (dont blame me if it doesnt open),

But of course it still comes down to motivation. There is asome truth in the saying "just do it" but harder for some. Think you need this present feeling to subside a bit, the rut to dissolve...before you can make a move into other activities.

Some things in life are missed. Ever seen a flower bloom from start to finish? Its amazing. Ever seen a sunset.? As Maharaji says...its takes 2 hours for a sun to set and few in the world have watch it set entirely. We have a small river near our tiny hamlet and there is a walk around the edge. Once I spotted a tiger snake resting, then it slid along ...the whole time was about 40 minutes, watching, admiring. The world is amazing and wonderful. But wasting it when young isnt good.

All my life I dreamed of owning a trike. A 3 wheeled VW powered machine. 5 years ago I saved every penny to buy one and a camper trailer and my wife, dog and me go camping. gotta admit I ave to avoid the other campers especially as they swarm to admire my ride. And I get annoyed at other human issues like litter etc. But we escape and I love it. Without my machine I'd be lost, I'd be like everyone else in their Prado and white box caravan. That isnt me, I had to find me, what I wanted.

Perhaps thats for your thoughts. To find what stimulates you. Whatever it is muddy waters, persue it and be happier.

My recommendation- rent a Harley or trike and feel the wind.

Tony WK