The stress is killing me

[Maui757]

Hi Guys,

I've posted a few times on here. Recently I've come into my final year of study at university. It's a 4 year course, but it's taken me 6 years to get here. And I'm out of fuel. There's been some added pressures this year, which I expected, and I didn't get a break all summer due to full time work that was in my engineering field (it's a requirement for my course to complete 12 weeks of full time work in an engineering workplace to be able to graduate). So I went straight from uni to work and now back to uni again. I knew it would be hard on my mentality but I thought I'd be able to deal with it. Apparently I didn't leave enough energy for everything else in life and I was wrong.

I've had a major source of income cut (Centrelink) because of the work I did over the 12 weeks. Yeah I managed to save some money over the summer, but only enough to last me about 4 weeks of unemployment and 0 Centrelink payments. 2 of those weeks have already gone, and I've so far only gotten one job and they're only giving me 5-10hrs per week!!! I have 20 contact hours at uni, not including the time between classes when I can't go home (1-3hr gaps), and obviously have my thesis to complete as well. So I need to get another job.

I guess I'm spent. I'm out of energy, I don't want to fight for what I'm doing anymore, and I wish I could quit. I know why I feel like this, but I can't change it. I'm skipping classes, falling way behind in my units and on my thesis. I'm watching more and more work pile up in front of me, and it's making me run further and further away from it all. I'm ready to drop to the ground and scream. I desperately want someone to come and save me from my own mess, but I know that's not how the world works. I'm sick of people saying "I believe you can do it", "You'll be ok", "It's your last year!". I don't WANT to do it. Any of it. And I don't know what to do or how to stop the very quick downward spiral that's happening right now. I know it's wrong but I've suffered my depression and anxiety long enough to know myself - If I quit or defer, that's classified as a failure. And I can't deal with that either - That would push me too far. I have so many people who believe in me, except me.

I see a psych but can't get in to see them anytime soon. There's reasoning to this but I'm out of characters for this thread, so I guess I'm just looking for some help! In a very low place and getting lower 😞

[BballJ]

Hi Maui757,

This is a tough one to give advice on, you seem to be getting support from either friends or family who do believe in you and know you can do it, the draining affect of working and studying is all too common with people at university. I know you see deferring as a failure but it really is not, is it even the slightest option so you can re-charge and go back into it 100%, or do you really just want out of the course and have no interest in it anymore. A lot of it will come down to if you really want to stay in this field or not. You have to do what makes you happy and not worry about what others will say.

Can you speak to your university about an extension on the thesis maybe?

My best for you,

Jay

[Maui757]

Hi Jay,

Firstly, thanks so much for your reply, it means a lot to me.

I don't know if I want to stay in the field. I really enjoyed my work over the summer but it was stressful and hard work. I burnt myself out putting in 110% effort (perfectionist ways). It's also not exactly my "dream job", it's just what is accepted as the "correct" and "good" thing to do, by everyone including me.

Believe it or not it's pride and embarrassment that stops me asking for help from the university. I'm scared they won't take depression seriously and will turn me away saying it's not a good enough reason. Also, I'm doing my thesis for two companies as well as the university, so if I quit, it's not just me who loses the work. I feel increasingly bad because both companies have gone out on a limb to accommodate my request to do a thesis with them.

If I was to quit/defer, I feel it puts a bad taint on my name. It's also really hard to admit to a company I worked hard for that I'm not well, and need a break. I feel like I won't be treated the same, and I don't feel comfortable with my colleagues there knowing about my depression, or at least the seriousness of it.

Admitting it to them means admitting to myself that it really is bad, and I've gone backwards in my recovery. I was really, really bad and did and said some terrible things to the people I loved last time I was seriously depressed. I don't want to be there again, and it's scary to think I might be 😞

Cheers,

Bianca

[BballJ]

Hi Maui757,

I understand what you are saying, you feel this added pressure because you don't want to let anyone down, I totally understand where you are coming from because I do the same. I am big on looking at the positives and a positive mindset is so powerful. You obviously are good at your job and the fact these companies have given you the opportunity says how good you are. That is a great thing, it may not be a dream job but how many people purely get to do their dream job for their career, it's great if you can but sometimes it isn't 100% feasible so finding something you are good at and enjoy is the second best thing.

I know there is a stigma attached with depression and people not understanding but I find workplaces and schools especially these days tend to have more understanding of it and sometimes just talking to someone internally can be good for you. Put it this way, if you were physically ill, you would advise them and ask for time to complete your tasks but mental illness is still an illness that needs to be taken care of. Your health should always be the number 1 concern, I say this and I do it as well, work hard and don't like to complain but at the same time it just adds up like it is doing and boils over until you sort of get to this point you are at.

I know you said you ran out of character in your first post but how come you cannot see your psych? If you don't wish to discuss that is ok.

My best,

Jay