The recovery process

arania · ‎21-11-2016

Hello, i have never really done anything like this before but i dont know where else to turn so here goes.I am a 21 year old girl and for a long time i suffered from agoraphobia, i wouldn't leave my house ever! this lasted at least 3 years, i felt like i was stuck, like i would never be normal but then one day after a conversation with my little sister i decided to go for a walk, i went to the local shops and bought some milk, i know, its not a big deal to many people but to me it was huge! it was the beginning of my recovery. i will never forget the first glass of milk i poured from that bottle, or the look on my dads face when i finally convinced him that it was me that went and got it! after that things started to get better, i cleaned up my life, i searched for a job and one place said i could do work experience, i kept going back there for three months and they finally gave me a job, that was three years ago, i kept that job up until a few months ago when i moved closer to home,i am in a much better place than i was when i was 18, but i'm still not okay, people say time heals things but i just don't feel like i'm doing much healing. sometimes i call in sick to work because i'm too scared to face the world. my body and mind are still recovering from the past but after three years shouldn't i feel better? i just want to know how long this will take, will i ever feel independent? i'm 21 i'm an adult, but i feel like such a child. does anyone else feel this way? I was so scared of growing up that i didn't even realize it happened, and now im scared of everyone noticing how broken i really am.

Just Sara · ‎22-11-2016

Hi and welcome Arania to our caring BB community;

Your post is a great read! You definitely have some well earned self insight and such courage in coming on here to share your story. So well done!

My name's Sara...I'm a BB volunteer supporter and advocate for people seeking help, friendship or an opportunity to shed fears and worries. We are genuinely interested and caring people who want to make this a positive experience for you ok?

There are links at the bottom of the page for specific information and support. If you scout around our sections, there might be threads you can post on or if you want, you can create a thread of your own as you've done here. You're most welcome to do any of these things, or just continue here until you become more confident with the site.

Agoraphobia can be difficult to overcome..so kudos for finding the courage to not only venture out of your home, but to find work and stick to it. Congratulations on your success hun!

The nights can be slow on BB, but mornings and evenings get buzzing with activity. I hope to hear from you again ok?

Sending warm and kind thoughts...Sara (Hugs)

Guest_322 · ‎22-11-2016

Hi Arania,

I hear the frustration and hurt that after 3 years, it still feels like a fight for you. It seems like the struggle is ongoing despite some impressive strides that you have made.

Well done on leaving your house to visit the local shops 3 years ago btw 😊 I think that definitely counts as an achievement as you had been previously house bound. That day was a real turning point for you, wasn't it?

Great questions but I have no answers. I only have my thoughts to share but no definitive answers. So here it goes with my random thoughts on your questions...

Maybe time heals and maybe time doesn't heal. Either way, I like to think that over time- and depending on your personal definition of healing- one finds ways to deal/to cope/to manage.

About recovery, it's hard to say what your path will look like as there's so much variation from person to person. But in terms of feeling better, I like to think that it's less of a straight line from point A to B, and more of a case of one step forward and 2 back then maybe another step forward the next day. The important part is you keep moving...

If it helps, I also have days where I feel like a child too (I'm 20 btw). Although in my case, it's more that I feel both 5 and 50 at the same time despite my chronological age. I'll agree with you that time moves faster than I would like too...t'is very scary sometimes!

I hope you give yourself some serious pats on the shoulder for how far you have come since your house bound days. I know you're still uncertain and worried about many things but I hope that you'll find your feet in good time.

Feel free to post here or elsewhere on BB to get some of the feels out of the system. Hope to hear from you again, and again, well done on your progress!

Dottie x

Zeal · ‎22-11-2016

Hey arania,

Welcome to the forum!

I am happy to see that Sara and Dottie have already welcomed you and given great advice. After reading your post, I really wanted to reply! I am a 23 year old female by the way, and I can very much relate to feeling vulnerable and like a child (despite being an adult). An important thing to remember is that being an adult doesn't necessarily mean you feel mature, fully capable and in control. Adults have their own insecurities and fears that may be ingrained and difficult to overcome. It's amazing that three years ago you mustered the courage to go for a walk to the shops after being house-bound for years! You had severe agoraphobia, so doing that was a huge step toward recovery. It's interesting that a conversation with your younger sister triggered something in you to venture out. Are you and your sister close?

Maintaining a regular job for three years is great, especially at your age. I have only had one paid job before, which was in retail when I was 18. After several months, I was laid off. My boss was really kind and apologetic, and said that I wasn't assertive enough (which was true, as I was timid and lacked confidence). I have been babysitting since I was 18, but that is very casual. I have therefore never held a steady job. I got really unwell psychologically/physically at 19, which had been building up for a while. At 21, I started volunteering, which really helped with my confidence and self-worth. Last week I finished an undergraduate psychology degree, and I've been applying for jobs.

Anyway, I thought I'd share my story. Back to you now! Moving closer to home is great, in that you'll be able to hopefully spend more time with family. Having close family relationships is so important, especially when you need extra support. Even though you have vastly improved your mental health and wellbeing since 18, having some doubts and anxieties again is normal, particularly as you've recently stopped a long-standing job and moved location. If you don't mind me asking, have you received any professional help for your mental health? Overcoming agoraphobia independently was fortunate, but having professional support would help you develop coping skills and strategies to prevent relapse. Going to a doctor (GP) for a referral is a good idea.

Thanks for posting! It would be great to hear back from you.

Best wishes,

Zeal

james1 · ‎22-11-2016

Hey Arania,

Welcome to the forums! I wasn't going to post when I saw the wonderful posts from Sara, Dottie and Zeal, but on reading yours I just had to say this:

A mega super congratulations to you for what you've done so far! You are clearly a really intelligent person with so much to give and do. I'm not much older, 24, but I'm really impressed by the fact that you've been able to hold a job down with your phobia/anxiety. And importantly, I love your pride in telling that milk story!

3 years may seem like a lot, especially when you're the one struggling with it, but I think you've already taken huuuuuge steps. Some people will "get better" in a shorter amount of time, others longer - I think the main thing is that you are taking steps to try and live a "normal" life. And for that, I am super impressed.

Hope to hear from you again. It's wonderful having you on the forums! 😄

James

arania · ‎22-11-2016

Hello zeal thank you for your reply. Yes my sister and i are very close, i'm not sure if i'm aloud to say this on here but i don't think it posts if i'm not but i was using drugs at the time. My sister is two years younger than me and gave me a kind of ultimatum, she told me she had nothing to look up to with me just sitting in my room getting high constantly. She had said this before but this time was serious. A single tear rolled down her cheak and as i watched it i knew i was loosing her. She was and still is my best friend but back then i didnt treat her like a big sister should. After that conversation i threw out every 'temptation' i had every thing! I then made a vowel to make myself better and be something she can look up to. Since then we have both got jobs, she lives out of home but i'm back with my parents. Some days are hard but the way she looks at me now truly warms my heart. She now says she looks up to me! For that i will forever be greatful. She made me change my life.

arania · ‎22-11-2016

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my post. Nights are always the hardests for me because i find it so hard to fall asleep, but when i do i never want to wake up. My dreams make reality feel like a nightmare. I am happy with my progress and i am in a much better place than i was before. I still have a long road ahead to be the person i not only want to be but need to be. I'm looking into moving out of my parents house with my big brother. He has also been inspiring to me but he hit a rough patch. Unable to work due to a disease in his arm that stops him from heavy lifting. It has been 3 years since he has worked but today he started a new job. That gives me hope! I help him as much as i can and i push him to get out of bed in the morning because when hes up i feel like life is easier knowing hes struggling but willing to struggle beside me. I hope we both reach our goals together and learn from each other.

Zeal · ‎22-11-2016

Hi arania,

Thank you for your nice return post! It is great that you and your sister are so close, and that you have helped and respected each other throughout life. These words of yours are beautiful: '...the way she looks at me now truly warms my heart. She now says she looks up to me!' I hope you don't mind me quoting you!

You are allowed to say that you previously took drugs. The posts are only edited if drug brand names or dosages are mentioned.

My younger sister and I unfortunately aren't close. I've had OCD for 10 years, since I was 13. I am the only person in my family to have suffered from mental illness. I am happy to hear that your sister is basically your best friend. That's the best outcome for a sibling relationship 🙂 You are supportive of your older brother too, and it sounds as though he is someone you respect and have drawn strength from. I almost forgot that you're only 21 for a moment there. Honestly, you seem so emotionally intelligent and insightful. Your parents are lucky that their three kids can be supportive of each other.

If you don't move out with your brother soon, that is certainly okay 🙂 If you are ready and able to, then by all means go for it! But if you feel you need some more time at home, then doing so is probably best. Sometimes people feel pressure to move out and become independent. I do realise that circumstances mean that moving out is sometimes essential. I'm 23, and over half of my friends (who are 24 on average) still live at home. I don't mean to compare, but I just wanted to emphasise that living at home in your twenties is perfectly acceptable 🙂

Thanks for reading my 'deep and meaningful' babble!

Best wishes,

Zeal

arania · ‎22-11-2016

Thank you zeal. It makes me feel better knowing that at least some of society isnt pushing me to be so damn successful at this age.

I have helped a few of my friends to stop using drugs as well i was the person everyone thought would NEVER stop so when i did i think it really opened a few peoples eyes. They knew i didnt care if they had it around me but they wouldnt because with me there they felt they didnt need too, i can understand people that can't stop though, i done it for 5 years and it became such a routine! I tried to quit so many times but it seemed impossible, i had no idea that my sister saying what i had heard so many times before would actually make a difference, and never did i expect to be the one actually helping other people when i myself needed SO MUCH help before! But somehow even when i feel so broken i can't pull myself out of it when i help someone else it really lifts me up. Today has been a good day, i raised $300 for my friends charity and the future is looking brighter already! Everyone here is so kind. I was so scared to post, i thought i would be judged left right and centre but i have been shown nothing but kindness here. Thank you so much

james1 · ‎22-11-2016

Wow! Congratulations and good on you for raising the $300!! That's awesome work you're doing 🙂