The power of guilt

[Kaleidescopehues]

The past 5 years of my life have been a crazy whorl wind of ups and major downs. It's rare that I go a whole week without feeling deep sadness and guilt about things that I have done. Apart from the shame and embarrassment of actions themselves, I'm also dealing with the guilt of the impact these have had on others. People that I have loved, people that I ought to have respected more, and who didn't deserve to be dragged into my mess. If I had just one opportunity to collectively apologise to these people & for it to make everything better, perhaps I could move on properly. But I've learnt that saying 'sorry' sometimes isn't good enough. Sometimes you need to realise that your impact is toxic, and requires elimination. I'm constantly battling with the thought of all the friends I could have had, and all the people who tried to wake me up to my senses. Were my ears deaf? I've cried a lot. I've ignored the thoughts. But the regret is real, and I'm not sure if it will ever leave me. I want to start again. It's too much some days and it's scary

[white knight]

Hi K,   welcome to Beyond Blue forum. Glad you posted.

Guilt eh, oh boy. I'm riddled with it.  Actions taken 40 years ago when a teenager in the RAAF haunt me today.  Arguements with work colleagues spanning that long. You know the story, not unlike your story.

I'm convinced, not through any research, that guilt has some mental illness connections. I'm not qualified to know. As you stated you have had many ups and many big lows. We suffer the extremes of mood, depression...what about extreme guilt....or at least guilt that is out of normal proportions?  Some friends have told me "are you still worrying about that Tony...that was decades ago". Trouble is of course, we cant wipe it from our minds. There is no guilt remover on supermarket shelves.

Ok, what do you do. firstly dont be too hard on yourself. As you can see, you are not alone K. Secondly, take things seriously enough to visit your GP and tell him/her your ups and downs etc and pursue any referrals. Thirdly, you seem very genuine to me in your attempts to revamp your life for the better. You can do this. Your attitude depends on its success.

People that you need to apologise to are those that you have wronged only in the recent past. Say the last year or two. Further back and its really history and too long ago for others to take it seriously. Apologising for events say 5 years old the other person is likely to realise you hold onto issues for long periods...this can be used against you.

Now, moving on. You have decided that you regret you past behaviour. What a wonderful act of remorse. You are the new person and you can restart. Anyone that doesnt accept your regrets ...well that's their problem but you should step back and allow them time to heal the rift also. Be compassionate, allow them time. Tell them, if it becomes an issue, that you do have remorse but you cant change the past- "I can only reach out to you now and contribute towards making your life happier from now on". Again if that person rejects you then allow time. You will know when you have given enough time and it wont work out. Then let go. You've done all you can do.

I have a regret on my treatment of a fellow air force comrade when I was 18. After I left the air force I drove 400 kms one way to find him and apologise which he did not accept. With the invention of Facebook I've seen his site numerous times. It was 42 years ago and I'm still troubled.

I've got to take a leaf out of my own advice book...

[Neil_1]

Hi there K

And welcome also to Beyond Blue and thank you for posting.

You've provided a really thoughtful post and also you've mentioned about how you'd like to make right out of past wrongs.  The process for trying to fix things and to assist with your feelings of guilt.  That's a remarkable thing and that is something you should be (and feel) damn proud about wanting to make amends with.

To be honest, I just wanted to write that above para to you, because Tony (White Knight) has really nailed a fantastic response to you.

Guilt can come in many sources and the one you're dealing with is one that can at least be attempted to make right.

I hope that with the advice that Tony has given you, this may be able to help you take the next step forward and to begin your rebuilding path.

Again, we would really be very happy to hear from you again - with any thoughts, further questions you may have and just to hear how you're travelling with regard to this.

We want to support you through this.

Kind regards

Neil

[geoff]

dear K, the guilt that you feel and that won't leave your side is honest and true, but does it still work for the other person now, so would an apology suffice, would they appreciate and accept your forgiveness, probably not, it's too far gone, because any friendship has been cut, so perhaps you are worrying about something that can never be fixed.

There have been many occasions over my past history that I have insulted people, but don't forget they may have defamed me first, so I wonder which is worse, being criticised, insulted or verbally abuse by someone else or for me to retaliate back to them, so which is the action that really makes us upset, for me it's being abused by another person, because when this happens it is telling us that something is wrong with our personality, our actions or how we have handle a situation.

What this does is pull us to the ground so that we can be trampled on, stepped on or jumped on and leaves us with no self esteem, so are these people going to apologise to us or try to make friends again, probably not because they don't have any guilt, so the same applies to us when we want to make amends.

So what I am saying is the all these people we want to apologise to don't give a rat's a*** even if we try to do this, so really we are wasting our time and worry about something that can never be rectified. Geoff.

[Peutetre8]

White knight i dont agree with you.no one has the right to judge others even if one makes mistakes,people who are honest about their mistakes are the kind people, the judgemental ones are unkind

[white knight]

Hi Peutetre8,

I'm not quite sure I understand your post. It's fine by the way to disagree.

Many of us judge others. This can be a form of evaluation. It is however how that judgement is made. eg

A guy high on "ICE" has obvious symptoms. One guy walks past him and judges him as a hopeless character, a burden on society and an annoying nuisance. Guy two walks past and judges the addict as someone that needs help regardless of his addiction (eg Ice, alcohol, mentally effected) will seek help from medical staff etc. But both men have still judged the man. One judged without compassion and one judged with compassion.