Suspected Anxiety, Bipolar and Depression, however undiagnosed

[Klownz_]

Let me just start off by saying that I am a 14 year old male.

For a while now I've suspected that something has been "wrong" with me mentally. I tend to have constant mood swings that heavily switch between hyperactivity and happiness - often leaving me with a massive smile and not caring what people think, however during my happy periods I have a feeling of agitation and uncomfortableness deep within, dull periods of "depression"? where I think negatively about myself and often (if at school), sit by myself and stare into an open window thinking about all the bad things that have happened in my life and all the things that I feel like people are saying about me because I have low self esteem and always feel like people don't want to be around me and/or judge me. If I'm at home, however, I might usually just crawl into bed and just think about random negative thoughts. Keeping in mind, I've never had any suicidal thoughts (fortunately), as I don't feel the need to remove myself from the world. There are also times where I feel on edge and the slightest thing can tick me off, setting off a massive rage or sudden annoyance which is obvious as people around me have noted that I have unstable "anger issues".

Another thing that I want to talk about is my incapability of socialisation and my lack of social skills. I am, of course, able to easily talk to people however I find it difficult to keep a conversation going and while I'm speaking and listening to the other person(s), I always feel like they don't want to be around me and it often leaves me lost for words because I am unmotivated to converse with such thoughts. I also struggle with simple tasks such as walking to the shops, as I feel like people are constantly judging my clothing and hairstyle - both which I know are not true, but I cannot stop thinking about it. I usually wag casual dress days at school and simple interactions such as asking a shopkeeper for a specific item, etc, leaves me uncomfortable and I'm hesitant before doing it.

I've recently also had an argument with my friends so I am currently alone and feel lost like I don't belong. Before the argument I had a friend to talk to about this stuff but it never seemed like he cared. I find friends hard to make and even harder to keep because I feel like I annoy them to death. So now I just wander around by myself at lunches and sit by myself in class.

I'm scared to seek assistance (GP, school counsellor, etc) so here's my anonymous post.

[Lazykh]

Hi Klownz_

Welcome to beyondblue. It's great that you've come here and told us about what's happening in your life. It sounds like this is a tough time for you. Mood swings can be pretty normal at your age, I certainly had them and 'acted out' and had problems at school as a result.

It's hard to get anywhere with a situation if you're scared to ask for help, and i can certainly see why you feel reluctant to see the school counsellor or GP, you might feel you don't want to isolate yourself more if people found out... but honestly I'd be working up the courage to do it. Most of us on this site have been through that feeling, but decided that we aren't getting the quality of life we want because of our brains that we can't really control... If you did decide to see a GP (you could see a different one so nobody knows) you can get some sessions covered with a psychologist and there are mood stabilisers that they might think will help you control your mood swings (they work really well and don't have many side effects)

Since at this stage you don't want to see a GP, I'll try to give you a few pointers so you can have a go at it yourself. It's not going to be easy, but let's give it a go. You can come back and chat to me or other members on the site whenever you like.

When you're feeling depressed, you retreat into yourself and 'overthink' things - i.e. people are judging you, you aren't good enough. You said you lie in bed and think about negative things. This is called 'ruminating' in the land of psychology, and the more you ruminate the worse you will feel. A technique I use in therapy is to get people to identify when this is happening and actually say 'STOP', out loud in a forceful voice. You want to STOP the cycle. You can write down how you feel on a piece of paper. After you've done that, write down how likely it is that that negative thought is correct, look at evidence for and evidence against. The important thing here is that you identify the reasons why it may NOT be correct. Remember that you are in a negative bubble at the time, so feel around the outside of that bubble and examine the rest of the world, don't just shut it out. I'll also post an example of a thoughts diary that you can copy (I really think you should, you don't have to share it with anyone). When you feel better, look at the diary again and re-evaluate in this better frame of mind. Write these thoughts down in the diary, and result of whatever it was you were worrying about.

[Lazykh]

NEGATIVE THOUGHTS DIARY

7:30pm What happened and how you feel: Had a fight with Jon. I always feel like he has to be better than me, he always puts me down because I'm skinny and he's funny and more charismatic. He has a girlfriend and I don't because he's so much more attractive. I am nothing. I can't even get Sarah to look at me. She hates me. Realised I'm feeling depressed and I don't want to. Said 'STOP' and got out my thoughts diary (you don't have to write this every time!)

Alternate explanations, challenging thoughts Jon is always so nasty to me. Actually he's like that with everyone, he always seems to have to prove he's better, it's just other people don't seem to be bothered by it. (look for external reasons for what has happened, that are not based on 'you') I've been friends with Jon for 4 years and I don't want to lose that but I really don't like the person he has become over that time and I don't like the way he makes me feel. (Identify why you stay in the friendship and its limitations) Sometimes he's OK. (you don't have to ditch him totally, just identify the limitations) Jon is more attractive to girls than me, he's loud and people can't miss him, and has lots of girlfriends but he doesn't seem to keep them very long. It's like he just wants to conquer them and move on. I don't really like that either. (Jon might think he's better than you and want you to agree but you don't have to, and you don't have to think the same way as he does) Just because I don't have a girlfriend doesn't mean I am nothing, I like hiking and like reading about science and some day I want to find someone who appreciates me for who I am, not someone to conquer short term. That is pointless. (See, you've got some good values and you're a good person) Sarah probably doesn't hate me, in fact I'm not sure she knows I exist because I'm quiet and I don't really show any interest in her because I'm scared she won't feel the same. (rationalising, challenging the thought she hates you) So she couldn't really know I was interested.

THEN, find something to do that you enjoy - watch a movie, read a book, chat on the net, play basketball... anything you do will help break the cycle. You don't have to keep thinking about how bad you feel, it's written down so you can move on.

I'll continue with when you feel extremely happy and hyperactive next...

[Lazykh]

Being too happy might be fun at the time, but it's worth controlling a bit. The neurotransmitters in your brain are having a party, and how do you feel after a party? Yup, the neurotransmitters get depleted too and then you feel really bad. Vigorous physical exercise is the best thing for these excesses - go for a run, visit a gym, use a punching bag, do 20 push ups and then 20 sit ups. Physically tire yourself out. Remember, you're not making yourself feel horrible, you're just controlling the excess positive emotion so that you don't crash in a heap. Since you probably feel great and like you can do anything, set yourself social challenges now too. Choose someone to interact with that you think you can talk to (it doesn't have to be the most challenging person, just someone!). Keep another diary of what you did when you felt like this and read it when you feel down. Remember that your negative self talk will be telling you you were silly for doing it, or silly for feeling how you did, but that doesn't change the facts of WHAT YOU ACHIEVED. The diary can remind you that you really did those things. Writing stuff down is great for helping processing what is happening.

The feeling of avoiding people because you're scared of what they will think of you is loosely termed social phobia. Although it is difficult, the best way to get over social phobia is actually something you can do yourself. It's called exposure. You basically need to do something that you're not totally comfortable with, like going to a party or gathering for example. When you arrive your anxiety will be pretty high, but you need to persevere. Over time your body's 'fight or flight' mechanism reduces and the anxiety levels drop. You can rate your anxiety out of ten over the period of the exposure and you'll find it eventually comes down. You can then note the things you actually enjoyed about what you did (i.e. walking to the shops, you enjoyed the exercise and it was a nice day to get out of the house and you wouldn't have experienced it if you stayed in), and evaluate how you felt afterwards (usually good, like you achieved something). Keep doing that and the anxiety will reduce. A therapist could help you with this step more if you chose to get some professional help, but you can always give it a go yourself as ANYONE CAN do it if they know how...

[Lazykh]

Don't forget you can come back here any time, would love to know how things are going.

Sorry about all the homework, but if you can actually do it, it will work in the end.

All the best, and hope to hear back from you.

Lazykh

[Mental_As_Anything]

Hi Klownz_

Reading your post instantly took me back. I am a 23 year old female and everything you said I went through. Schools tough and as much as I can't give you advice on how to make it better know this, you are who you are. People who are self aware and intelligent, like yourself, scare the heck out of people.

I think it would be important for you to go see your doctor and do the "homework" suggested above. But I also think it would be beneficial for you to find something you love. Find what makes YOU happy.

People say it is "selfish" to think about yourself, but you need to be happy and content with yourself before you can be apart of anyone else's life.

Try not to allow people to diagnose your problems or tell you how you should be. You are 14, puberty is happening everyone is irrational and hormonal.

Also, I don't know if you are into music at all... but I LOVE music. I found that one think that really got me down was the music I listened too. Try and listen to upbeat music that soothes. Lots of bass increases your heart rate and causes you to feel more anxious. I learnt that the hard way 😉 hope this is helpful.

Hit me up whenever. My story is very similar to yours (: