Suicidal boyfriend, in need of advice

[ellebelle22]

Hi there,

Two weeks ago my boyfriend of two and a half years told me that he was planning to kill himself. We had been in a long-distance relationship for the last three months because I went back home to spend some time with my family. He said he had a plan and was getting his 'affairs in order', and that he wanted me to try and understand that this was the only way for him to be happy. I got very, very freaked out, especially because I was in a different state. I called both his parents and told them that he needed support etc. I got him in touch with a help-line, he's had some phone sessions with them and now he says he's okay & is going to get more help.

I have moved back to Melbourne (where he lives too) since then, and he wants me to live with him. There have been some warning signs I've been concerned about (he has been verbally abusive in the past, when he's been drunk). We've spoken about this and he hasn't acted like that for more than a year, which is why I have stayed with him. I think it more came down to immaturity, but it still really freaks me out.

I am quite confused about how to handle this. Obviously I love him and I think living together would be a good step. We lived together for a few months last year, it was really great and he makes me very happy. He's going to start seeing a psychologist, and has been getting help, but we both know getting better is a long process. He wants to live together right away, but I'm not sure if this is a good idea. He also seems to be going about this in a pressuring way, like an ultimatum almost. He says that he needs to think about the relationship if I decide not to live with him, even though he's aware of the reasons I'm hesitant (what I've spoken about above).

I'm just a bit confused about how to handle this whole situation. Can anybody shed some light on what they think from what I've written here? I'm not really even sure what I'm asking, I would just really like an outsiders perspective.

Thank you!

[pipsy]

Hi ellebelle. He sounds rather controlling as well as manipulative. I'd think seriously about this. It also seems as though he's decided, you are his only reason to live and if you say 'no' to the 'ultimatum', he's presented you with, whatever he decides to do he will blame you. For him to have to rethink the relationship, if you decide against living with him, that's definitely an ultimatum. That means, whatever happens if things go 'pear-shaped' is your fault. The drink problem rings loud warning bells too. Can I ask if you are in love with him, or the idea of being in love with him? Sometimes when someone we are attracted to says the right things and we decide we love them for what they say, rather than who they are, we move in, then discover they are not quite who they say they are. I would be inclined to tread very carefully here, you mentioned he is seeing a psychologist. No doubt he possibly has told her/him you are definitely moving in. I would hold him at arms length for the time being, see if the psych can help him. He can only get help if he is completely honest. If he starts telling you the psych said so and so, I'd still be careful. If he is that manipulative with you, he may only listen to what he wants to hear.

Lynda

[BballJ]

Hi ElleBelle22,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

I think Lynda has hit the nail on the head, maybe tread at arms length, you don't want to move in and have him change on you, it isn't fair to you that the relationship is held hostage pending you two move in together, how often are you seeing him and how is it when you do, it's great he is seeing a psych and is getting the help he requires and it does sound like he is slowly maturing with it as well. Have you spoken to prehaps his parents about moving in together and gauge what they think?

My best for you both,

Jay

[ellebelle22]

Thanks for your replies Pipsy and BballJ!

Well he says that he understands why I'm hesitant about it, and he doesn't mean for it to feel like it's an ultimatum & that it's not intentional, it's just the way he feels because he wants to move forward with me and doesn't feel like we're going backwards or standing still. He has also said it's because he works 50 hour weeks and doesn't know if he can keep up the lifestyle of spending "every second" with me in his spare time (I only see him probably about once every three days) and just thinks that it makes sense/would be a lot easier.

It's generally good when I see him though a part of me does still feel a bit unsure about everything. The last time I saw him he jokingly kept saying "are you stupid?" and things like that, when I said it's not okay for him to say things like that (even jokingly) because it's belittling, he apologised and said I'm the smartest person he knows etc. Sometimes he does seem to get unfairly annoyed at me or annoyed for no reason, but I pull him up on it and he always says sorry & then explains (tired from work etc). I'm very cautious with his behaviour because of how things have been early on in our relationship, when he could be verbally abusive and gas-lighting. I guess that even though I chose to stay with him and he has stopped being like that, I'm still acting from a distance and I also don't know whether people can genuinely change that part of themselves? I think from his past behaviour, I find it harder to tell what's right and what's wrong.

I haven't spoken to his parents about it but I have spoken to my Mum, and she also knows that he was suicidal a few weeks ago. She thinks it's a bad idea but trusts my decision. She thinks that the way he's asking me is only considering his needs & she's worried it could lapse into a codependent relationship.

[pipsy]

Hi ellebelle. Everything you're saying is causing huge warning bells to me. The constant put down reference, 'are you stupid'. No way is that appropriate or funny. He seems to be extremely controlling, you moving in to make things 'easier' for him. He is not considering your lifestyle, at all. What if you want to spend time with your friends, he may agree on the surface, but how will he react in private. Initially he may agree to change his behavioural patterns, but unless he genuinely wants the relationship to work and he is prepared to 'give and take', I feel you could be jumping out of the frying pan etc. He doesn't sound terribly stable or mature. It might pay for the time being to stay put, tell him you need time to decide. Moving in with anyone is a huge step, you need to know you are doing it for the right reasons, not to make life easier for one of you.

Lynda