Sorry for talking so much

[whyhellothere]

I don't know why I feel the way I feel.

I don't have a reason to. I live a normal life. I don't have anything going on in my life, nor have I had any past events that would make me feel like this. I don't have anything wrong with me.

I feel empty. I don't feel much of anything. I don't have feelings for anyone, not even my mum or sister or dad. I don't care about school, or my future, or anything. It's hard to explain. I don't have my own personality. I am like a mirror, reflecting bits and pieces or other people's personality and showing it as my own. I guess that's everybody though. Around people, I am kind, friendly, a good kid. When I am in my room, truly alone, I can really be myself, but I don't know how to do that. When I am by myself, I am monotone, emotionless, expressionless. I'm so bored with everything. None of my hobbies are enjoyable anymore, and they haven't been for about a year or two now.

I even feel awkward when I do things by myself, when I shouldn't feel embarrassed. I hate the way everything runs, the way the world works. I would talk and rant about all these different things I've said in much detail, but I've already written them down before, and I don't think it would be nice of me to make you sit and read 17,000 words.

Pretty much the only time I feel anything is with music. Music is my life. I don't know how to describe it anymore, but music is everything to me. I never have anything in my head. My mind is silent. The only time I have something in my head, it's music. I feel through music.

I also have never really experienced anything in my life. I've hardly ever eaten much of anything. I've only eaten basic things. I've never done anything. I guess through music, I can experience those things. And also, when I interact with someone, it's always for my own benefit. I do like to listen to people though. I guess the reason why I will sit and listen to a person's problems for hours on end is so I can live through their experiences. So, in a sense, I am experiencing them. See, it's all for my own benefit again.

I do feel different to everyone else (but that is something that mostly everybody feels). I feel 2 steps to the side. I am observing the world from the sidelines. Like watching a life-long movie in an empty theatre. Everything is happening and progressing and I'm still stuck in place.

Idk. I've kind of worded everything poorly. I don't have much more room to type anything else so I'll just have to cut myself short.

[Just Sara]

Good morning wht;

Welcome to our caring community. We're here to listen and help you sort thru your confusion ok. Talking about yourself gives us an indication of who you are and where you're at. So don't be concerned with talking too much. (I do too!)

I must add, you seem very intelligent. Can I ask how old you are? I read you're still at school and are finding it difficult to relate to yourself? This isn't unusual ok. Everyone goes thru a type of transition in their teens; some deal with it better than others for differing reasons.

Hormones play a big part as does diet and stress. Can I make an observation? I hope you don't mind. You seem to write in metaphors. If you read back thru what you've written, you might find there's not very many specifics about you.

Please, please don't take this as criticism. I'm wanting to get to know you better. I'm also trying to help you understand what 'thinking' too much can do. By being in your head all the time, you're missing 'real' information and connections in your life. This is very common among younger and older people alike. I don't expect you to completely understand or change at the drop of a hat. They're just my observations.

Can you offer some specifics about you, your family, studies, girl/boyfriends or fave activities? That'll help to create a picture for me; that's all.

The better I get to know you, the better I'll be at supporting you. Others on here too...

I'm on here most days, so I'll pop in when I can. Don't forget too, there are phone helplines for young people to talk in real time instead of waiting for a response on this forum. There's info in the blue section below, and feel free to peruse other sections to socialise or engage in a discussion. BB Cafe for Young People (BB Social Zone) might be a nice place to start.

Hope to hear back from you soon;

Sara

[Starwolf]

Hi Whyhellothere, welcome to the forums.

Thank you for sharing your thought and concerns. I can understand why feeling 2 steps to the side makes you uncomfortable. It brings on isolation, even while in a crowd...the question that usually arises is "what is wrong with me ?"

There comes a time when we realize that there is no way of putting right injustice, greed, corruption, poverty etc...that we see around us. It can result in feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, a refusal to participate in worldly affairs we don't believe in. Learning to adjust our inner world to external circumstances doesn't come easy. When external circumstances are judged unsatisfactory, some people rebel, others withdraw or do both.

What you say about music is interesting. If you feel through it, it means that those feelings exist within you. It makes me think that you are by no means empty but that those feelings are somewhat numbed to the external world. Counseling may be required to get to the root cause of this numbness.

I'd suggest you do the K10 test (some of the feelings you describe could be symptoms of depression). You will find it top left of this page, in the scroll down menu of the Facts section. It could be a start towards figuring what you are up against or not. Depression doesn't need a cause. Like any other medical condition, it just happens.

Obviously, the unusual state of your inner world is a concern to you. The more you learn about it, the easier it will be to manage.

Kindest thoughts.

[startingnew]

Hi there and welcome to the forums

What are your usual hobbies? What grade or age are you? ive not long finished yar 12 myself and currently studying as well.

Music is great. Many emotions and thoughts can be produced through music the same as art. have you though about doing song writing yourself?

Like Sara has said feel free to talk more, id also like to get to know you abit more. I think now is the time to start finding 'you' again. easier said than done i know ive bene there and still there but lifes a journey, we are always changing and learning so its never to late to refind yourself. try new things such as other hobbies, new foods and try new experiences . this can start to create new feelings for you. yes try no to over think everything, sometimes its just about accepting the way things are and jsut going with the flow

As Starwolf has suggested maybe try the K10 test. and also about the music. you can feel this so your not completely numb. hav eyou thought about expanding your knowledge more on music or trying a new instrument or joining a music class to keep pursuing your interest

also have you thought about talking to your go or a counsellor as they will be able to give you more support as well?