So confused and anxious about my relationship in crisis

[Stillnotsure]

I feel so utterly helpless about my relationship and don't know what I'm doing with my life. I've been in a relationship for over 5 years, its become so toxic and I just want to give up. We're both 30. A few years back I broke up with him as I felt trapped in the relationship and like I had enough, there wasn't a reason I just felt we weren't connecting. We got back together and still saw each other, he was there for me with my anxiety and depression,but I still didn't feel sure about the relationship. He was there for me and I felt I couldn't let go. When he went to his family interstate I went on a few dates, but nothing came of the dates but I never told him.

He's a genuine, kind guy I feel so bad things are still not working. He has so much hope and positivity for our relationship and always tells me that I am the person that he cares about more than any one in the world. He is a really decent guy. But why after all these yrs am I still so confused? Its gotten worse recently as we live together & our sex life is non-existent. I never feel in the mood to be with him that that way. Also, last year he proposed, and I still haven't decided if its what I want.

He proposed in Europe & and wanted it to be really special. We fought nearly every single day. About what we were doing, just in general I can't communicate with him. He is quiet and usually fine to just do what I want, rather than tell me what he wants. In Amsterdam I tried some marijuana and had a terrible reaction, and I blamed him for telling me to do 2 joints. I felt let down that he told me to take 2. Towards the end I had a massive anxiety and depression. I threatened to leave and just take a flight back home as I had had enough. I was so stressed, stressed over all of the silly arguments we were having on a daily basis. He got so angry & upset I was getting so anxious and yelling in the hotel at him, and he threw an engagement ring he had bought in my face. I was distraught. It was the perfect ring but now it has such bad memories. He was devastated that he'd thrown it at me. I had no idea he had wanted to propose, our relationship was not going well before the trip. Although I said yes, when we got back home I still felt so stressed about our relationship, and I have not told anyone, Ive only told my mum. This was 6mths ago and I still don't know what Im doing. We've started counselling now but I feel like counselling isn't enough. Should I just give the relationship up/ Pls help

[Guest_989]

Sounds like you've given it a good go, you probably deep down already know the answer to what you want.

Aslong as the decision you make is the one you feel is right, you can't go wrong.

Have a good think about it and make up your mind

Best of luck

Az

[Mezza87]

I dont mean to sound harsh just want to give my genuine view , you have truely tried your best you gave the relationship a chance and hey lets face it most girls wouldnt have stayed 5 yrs , you deserve to be happy , feel like your getting out of life what you strive for . If something is a challenge it is what life throws in your direction. Your job is to make a tough decission to stay or leave . From personal experence watching my brother in a ten yr relationship where the first 5 yrs were genuinly happy then on and off the relationship went from positives to negatives , fighting , aguining , both fighting mental illness , both pushing friends away, self harm . I truely belive your a strong soul and will know whats best for you . IWould suggest for the health and wellbeing of both you and him as well us to prevent more pain end it its a toxic relationship and would hate for you not to be able to find who makes you happy , all the best .

[Fairywings]

Hi there lovely and welcome xx I can def see you have given all you have to give now it's time to look after yourself xx I would follow your heart and your gut on this situation they will give you the right answer xx there is only sooooo much a person can take best of luck please keep reaching out to us we are all here for you xx Venessa

[goalstosmile]

Hi lovely,

I am in the same boat, I have come to a conclusion for my situation not sure whether you would be able to relate.

My partner and I have been great in the past, happy as ever. We fought of course but we would sort things out and move on happily unlike lately where we fight and fight, I cry and I'm drained and exhausted from it.

Although I've noticed it had only started when I begun falling into depression & anxiety and realised that was mainly the reason why things became worse. Because I would overreact, I would cry over silly things, I would explain myself properly or just take everything out on him. After realising that we spoke and had a proper sit down and I begun changing myself and it has helped we have grown much closer and more loving, it was only a month ago were I told him I was leaving and I couldn't do the toxic relationship anymore after many years but now we are happy as ever, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

I hope I have helped a little, and I guess if you guys have tried this I do apologise... maybe the others are right maybe it's time to let go.. it could be the best for both of you.

Best of luck, xx

[Stillnotsure]

Thank you for your post. I can definitely relate to what you have written. I think my anxiety and depression have escalated, and I have a lot that I need to do to get better. I sometimes worry that its the anxiety over the relationship that is making me feel so sad. But then I second guess myself, and maybe its just that I'm depressed? I know its wrong to, but I compare myself to my married friends who seem so happy and enjoying their partners company, whereas I just feel drained and exhausted.

I feel torn about the relationship, he is a good person, always there for me, and would do anything to make my life better. He puts me before himself. I am going to try to find a good therapist to help me through it. Unfortunately I don't feel like I have friends that understand and who wouldn't judge me.

I also feel bad as my partner really deserves someone who loves him so much, and in my state of mind I don't do much to make him happy but he does so much to help me. I feel like a bad person to but him through this. I know he wants to get married, and I still haven't given him an answer

[Stillnotsure]

Thank you for your kind response I really appreciate it. I know i need to look after myself a lot better. Thanks very much

[goalstosmile]

You're more than welcome. I completely understand, I still get the feeling all the time and just remember to let things go, and be happy. I try to stop being unsure about everything and just be positive and it works for a while then I come around to being negative and depressed again, as frustrating as it is I know it will happen probably for the rest of my life I just try to reassure myself.

Same with me, my partner is the most positive person in the world and I know it's bad but sometimes I get angry that he's so happy and wish I could be, and it really messes up our relationship. It's so much easier to be negative then positive so I just try keep the positivity up.

I am going to see someone soon because I want to know how to handle it. And if you aren't sure about getting married and haven't been for a while then maybe that's the answer overall that it just shouldn't happen. I hope you do sort it out for the best of yourself & your partner. You both deserve nothing but happiness!! Xxx 🙂

[Fairywings]

Anytime sweetheart keep in touch xx

[geoff]

hello Stillnotsure, well can I ask you a question, if you are fighting now and you're not happy, then how will it be in years ahead, so if you can't get on now then it's never going to happen.
You need two people to love each other and not just one of you, best for you to move on. Geoff.