Should I have agreed to go to formal with him?

[Guest_2503]

I've just been asked over text by a friend to attend his formal at a 'prestigious' private boys school. I found the contents of the text rude initially, and declined, however, I fear I may have overreacted and am worried that I made the wrong decision. He's quite a shy guy with a strict overbearing mother so most of our friendship has been via email. He's a decent guy, if extremely sheltered and a bit egotistical. We both go to decently ranked schools, despite me going to an academically selective school, he's always seemed to look down at me and think that I'm stupid. He has also made passive-aggressive comments in the past about how I'm broke eg I asked him for restaurant recommendations in the suburb he lives in and he suggests place known to be dirt cheap, saying, "it's quite expensive so I'm not sure if you'll be able to afford it."

Back to the situation at hand, so he texts me to ask if I'm interested in attending his formal, to which I say yes. Note that he asks if I want to attend, not specifying with him. Then he texts "Umm okay" with the date of the formal. I then say that I will let him know if I am free on that date as I am currently walking my dog and away from my calendar. To which he says "to be honest, I didn't expect you to reply so soon, since we have HSC exams coming up". My immediate reaction was confusion followed by annoyance as I did view it as a backhanded insult- as if suggesting that I wasn't studying enough because I was able to reply to his texts or suggesting I was wrong for walking my dog instead of studying. I genuinely cannot tell if he is just not used to social interaction or if he was making a pass at me (note: the first time he went out without his parents was when he was 17, his mother barely allows him to go out, I have asked to hang in the past and he has always said that his mother won't let him, we have never spent time together outside of church events (because his mother won't let us) and a few years he invited me to another formal before un-inviting me a day later because his mum "won't let him date"

I can't tell if he genuinely wants to attend with me or if I'm just a sort of "trophy" for him to bring (at this private boys school, if a boy attends without a date he will receive lots of judgement) my friends tell me that he probably wouldn't look after me at the formal and that we would probably sit in silence the whole time. I keep overthinking whether or not I should have accepted, should I try to fix things?

[Hanna3]

Hi Guest_2503

I'm sorry it looks like your post has been a bit hidden and you haven't received any replies yet.

This boy sounds rather shy and not used to asking a girl out! The comment about the HSC didn't come across rude to me. I think he is putting things in an awkward way because he is anxious.

It's entirely up to you whether to go or not, but what would you have to lose if you did? Maybe it might be fun!

On the other hand if you feel very uncertain and that he is a bit too stuck up for you, then by all means politely thank him and decline - but do this as nicely as you can as it's hard for a guy to ask a girl out!

Good luck whatever you decide!

🙂

[Yana8216]

Hi Guest_2503
Sometimes it's really hard to know what to do in a situation like this. It does sound like he likes you and would like to take you to the formal. His comment about not expecting you to reply so soon was possibly just his way of saying it was ok to take some time to give him an answer. I am assuming his arrogance is because of insecurity and possibly an odd sense of humour but do be careful if you think it runs deeper than that. If you do end up saying yes I would recommend talking to him via email/text/phone a bit in the weeks leading up to the formal, if you have a bit more of a friendship formed the formal will be a little less awkward hopefully. Will his parents be at the formal? How do you feel in their company?
If you go, look fabulous and feel good knowing you are being a good friend.
If you decide not to go, stick with your decision, no regrets! It will all work out.

Yana 🙂

[Positive_vibes89]

Hi, thank you for posting in the forum. Its a concern that this young man is controlled by his mother and that this is effecting you on a personal level too. If he makes you feel "stupid" and thinks you are inadequate due to financial status by calling you "broke" is this the type of young man you want to be friends with or date? You don't deserve to be belittled or made to fee inadequate by a so called friend. Good friends don't do that, you need to be around people who are kind to you and appreciate your friendship.

The message he has sent you about the formal is very brief, I do believe that he is shy and does not know how to talk to girls. I think you should sit this one out, as I feel you may not have a great time considering that you have mentioned that he is disrespectful towards you. The mother is a red flag for me as well, she will always interfere with her son's life and this will affect you as well. It seems like this is right now. If I was in your position I would say thanks for the invite but I have plans then id plan a night with my girlfriends! sleepover, snacks and some great night of chick flicks!!!

[Banksy92]

Hi Guest_2503,

I think the most important thing for you to be clear on before you think about his messages is whether this will bring you joy. Do you get excited when you think about attending a formal? Is this guy good company and can you imagine having a nice time together?
Or on the flip side, will agreeing to go cause you anxiety? Or are you feeling resistant?

At the end of the day you should put yourself first and what will make you happy.

Many young guys are so awkward at the best of times when it comes to flirting/asking people out/talking to girl, I can imagine with his strict family life he'd be even worse. Maybe just give him the benefit of the doubt on the poor communication for now 😉

[jaz28]

Hi Guest_2503,

I always find interaction online difficult as you cannot see the person's expressions or tone of voice, and hence can't tell what they mean by what they're saying. It is easy to misinterpret people's messages.

I would see if you can catch up to discuss details just to gage what his physical response and manner is towards this. It seems to me he is just nervous and is feeling the pressure of finding a date to formal as most people feel at that stage in life. Be kind to him (unless he gives you reason not to be) and try and understand he is probably nervous and awkward about asking someone out! It takes guts! And - don't go with him if you do not think it will be a good time. Otherwise, you will regret going.

Hope it goes well,

Jaz.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Guest_2503, welcome! Hope Ur doing OK.

I think it was a backhanded compliment that he made about hsc, and his comments don't seem called for. I think Ur assessment of him makes sense and is fair. It's not so nice to be invited and than uninvited, ans to receive nagging style put-downs.

If he makes up for this by having a sweet side or at times putting in effort to be a good friend, I'd be considering giving it time, but it's not your responsibility to wait, put up with rude comments, or allow off jokes, while he figures himself out.

Whatever u do, I would recommend not feeling guilty or making a choice from guilt or pity.

I know overturning and struggle with that, I also know how hard it is to find our own inner voice with a lot of noise around, I love the advice here stating either way, it will be okay. If u come with a good intent and remember to check in with urself and how u feel, it'll all work out great!

[Guest_2503]

Thanks for your reply! I really appreciate it.

It's true that I don't have much to lose if I attend, I think I will end up going!

Hopefully it all works out 🙂

[Guest_2503]

Hi Yana,

Thankyou so much for taking the time to reply!

I think part of me is worried about his arrogance, I do think that part of it stems from insecurity and a somewhat toxic private school culture. I will ask him to meet up just to hang in the weeks leading up to formal to hopefully break the ice. I have asked before but he has always said that his parents won't let him and want him to focus on study, hopefully this time we will be able to finally spend time together as it will be after the HSC then 🙂

His parents won't be at the formal (thankfully- I don't think they like me much)

[Guest_2503]

Thankyou for your reply!

Your concerns are shared by a lot of my friends, his mum's controlling behaviour is a worry for me. In my personal life I've seen the damage parents can cause on their children's relationships (my grandmother was/is extremely controlling over my father). I agree that I shouldn't be treated like that by a "friend", I think it's a little hard for me to believe that I deserve better. I attend an all-girls highschool so my interactions with boys has been limited (this guy is honestly the most decent one that has been interested in me- which is quite sad tbh)

Thanks again for the advice!