Selfish/Unselfish

[davwerob93]

So I was driving to work today and the thought popped into my head. I wouldn't kill myself - or do anything to myself that would hurt my family. My mother has ingrained the idea that self harm is one of the most selfish thing a person can do because it hurts those around them, and I don't want to hurt my family. Unselfish.

 But I feel sometimes that everything is just too much. I feel physically heavy and drained from the stress and anxiety and effort I have to go through each day. Sure there might a few days or even a week or two where everything is coming up daisies and it all looks like I'm heading in the right direction. Then crash. Back to the effort, back to crying myself to sleep, back to wishing it didn't hurt as much as it does.

 I've thought about anti-depressants (my sister took them awhile ago). But how is an anti depressant going to fix me. I don't believe it's an imbalance of hormones causing me to feel the way I do. I have had things in my 21 years of life, both my fault on not that are causing me to feel the way I do. A pill can't change my past. Context:

- Sexually abused by father from approx. 3 years old to 10 years old (Spoke up, he served 6 years)

- Same father emotionally abused mother throughout their marriage (Divorced when I was 7)

- Same father cheated on mother throughout marriage 

- Boyfriend of four years cheated on me with one of my best friends

- Cheated on same boyfriend after with his best friend. Selfish

- Boyfriend spent our entire relationship treating me like I was the most unimportant person. Always a last option. I got was verbally and emotionally ripped to shreds until I finally broke it off 4 months ago. 

- Went through a bad stage month after breaking up. Hooked up with same best friend of now ex-boyfriend. However his best friend is currently seeing the girl ex-boyfriend cheated on me with. Selfish.

- All my friends (all have same large group of friends) are now 'not getting involved' - which translated means they are talking to me, most of the time, but will not see me or make plans with me 

I can't see a psychiatrist or a counsellor because it brings back vivid memories of being questioned by police and the really dark stage after where we were dragged to government funded sessions. I also eat healthy without restricting (if I want a treat I'll have it), I exercise 3 times a week (decent cardio). The way I learnt to cope was via talking w/friends but now they don't want to.

So how do I fix me?

[Daisycqt]

Hi hon, I think that's the question we all want to answer "how do I fix me" because if there were just one answer, not matter what it was (even running down the street naked) we would do it just to be fixed. You've had a lot to deal with in 21 years. Personally I dealth with similar trauma by drinking but that doesn't fix anything, it just gives you another cross to bear. I think firstly you need to move away from any blame you attribute to yourself for the situation with your ex and his friend. That's past and you need to let it go, don't keep going over it in your head. You sound like a competent person who just had the wrong partner who had left you battered and bruised but not defeated. Take a rest from men for a while. Recover yourself physically and mentally. Let yourself grieve for your past abuse and the pain it caused you. Until that's done you will be angry and continue to attract abusive men. Get yourself a pet and learn about pure love from them, a love with no strings, no sexual element, just love fore loves sake. And remember you're not alone. We've all had something like this. Big supportive hug. 

[White_Rose]

Hello Davwerob

Welcome to the Beyond Blue community. It's a safe place to talk about your experiences and needs. We are all broken in some way here, but we can help you find healing by telling our stories. Take what you need.

From my own experience of suicidal thoughts I can tell you it is a very seductive thought. What it promises is an end to pain and at times we want this. Yes it will also cause pain to others, but in my experience, when you really want to end it all, the effect on others does not come into the equation.

What self-harm does not let you understand is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may be far away but it is there. And if you continue to live you will find so many benefits that you would have missed out on. If you are like me you will dismiss this comment because having a good life will not happen for you. Not true, but you must hold on to this thought because it can and will happen.

I was told when I first talked about self-harm that it gave me a sense of control of the situation. Like a plan B. If all else fails I can do (this). And this is not a bad thing in some ways. You know you are not really serious but you have an alternative to hang on to. The trick of course is to stop considering this option and work on getting yourself back to a good life.

You have talked about antidepressants (ADs) and how they work. It's not a hormone imbalance the ADs are addressing but a chemical imbalance. If I am quoting my doctor correctly ADs work by increasing the traffic between neurotransmitters and receptors. For whatever reason the brain has slowed down production or efficiency of these bits which are part of the synapses between cells. This affects our thinking and reasoning etc. Why it makes us depressed is as yet unknown, but the ADs can significantly help the brain.

I was taking an AD without a great deal of effect, or so I thought. My doctor said it was working but not very quickly. So she increased the dose. Wow! Talk about a light bulb going on. I felt as though my brain had been spring cleaned, all the dirty corners swept, and every part was talking to every other part of my brain. OK, the euphoria lasted about two weeks but the effect is still there. I really can think better.

All ADs work differently and have potential side effects so it is a matter of trial to find the right one. Consider it carefully. No it won't cure you. It will help you find your way by helping your brain to function better.

I hope you will reply

Mary