Sad Clown

[Vince2795]

Hello my name is Vince and I am new to the forum. I am a law student in my 20's living on campus and have recently been diagnosed with depression/anxiety. Despite having a large network of friends I can't seem to connect with anyone or let anyone know how I am really feeling. 

Instead I put on facade where I am always happy and trying to make my friends laugh, but feeling lonely and miserable on the inside. I keep telling myself I am a complete loser that will always be lonely, that I will never find  a girlfriend, have anyone that cares about me, and that the only reason my friends hang around me at the moment is because I am a source of entertainment for them. I tell myself that the minute I try and reach out my friends will see me as a mope or moody person and will no longer want me around, so whats the point of trying? I'm getting good marks at uni and enjoy my degree but I can't even see the point of continuing if I am still going to be a loser at the end of it. I have run out of reasons to get out of bed and get to class, work, or socialize, not matter what I do I am still going to be that guy who is only as good as his forced smile. Even my family see me as a weirdo and only tolerate me because I am at uni doing something with my life. 

I hate the fact I am wasting space on this forum with my mediocre problems, and for that I apologize, but I need to get this off my chest. 

[Vince2795]

Here is an update of where I am at. Ok last night was bad for me. I don't know what came over me, but for some reason despite all the reassurance by my friends, I was convinced nobody would care if I were to kill myself. I started self harming, and I then texted three of my closest friends and housemates saying that I am sorry for always being a mope and putting my problems on them and that I would back off. When I heard them knocking on my door  and asking if I was ok, I had a sudden thought "what the hell am I doing?!" I stopped hurting myself, opened the door and asked my friend to take me to the hospital.

When we got to the hospital carpark, me and my friend talked for about half an hour. I told her as much as I could put into words about how I was feeling, I told her about my father, and about everything that was causing me anxiety. The act of physically talking about this stuff was a huge relief.
We went in and saw the doctor together. I am now getting the help I need, I am following up with my doctors, counselors and mental health crisis workers.

As embarrassing as last night was for me, I feel incredibly relieved, I am reassured by the fact my friends and family do care about me. The fact that my friend has seen me in possibly the most vulnerable state I have ever been in is ok, I don't have to hide anymore, I don't have to put on a brave front. The fact that my depression is now out in the open is ok, because I know that my friends and family care about me.

[giggles]

Hi Vince

And there you go you asked for help and received all the practical steps needed and well done and all the best in your healing.You deserve to be happy I reckon everyone does trouble is we can get in our own way sometimes and we have the way someone else treated us to add to it.Which off course always falls on their shoulders. 

I would love for you to give it back to whoever gave it to you as I say to people sometimes when the opportunity comes up "I did not buy a ticket for that game thanks I do not like the rules and I certainly do not need too I"ll go play a betterer game.) Keep up the good work Vince.I bet you have heaps to offer people.

[S_A_D_]

The name change is to exemplify the unnecessary importance we place on names and other things that have little to no relevance to our ability to help others. Some think characteristics like age, gender, race, religion, and marital status are vital characteristics to our ability to answer a call for help. Placing importance on a screen name takes this irrationality to the point of absurdity.

This is not a dig at you Geoff, and I know you're not having a dig at me. I just wanted to explain it. I'm sure there are some who get irritated by such things as a name change. Generally, such people have difficulty with change in general. 

[geoff]

dear Vince, this is a terrific small step forward, and if your friend knows that you have contacted us on this site, then please give her big cuddle and kiss and say that she is a champion. Geoff.