Questioning sexuality

[_Piper_]

I'm fifteen and am in year nine at high school. I have been questioning my sexuality for a few years now but only recently have actually accepted that I like girls as well as boys. I'm too scared to tell anyone as I know what people will think and the stereotypes they will attach to me. I'm not quite sure how my parents will react either. They're not homophobic but we've never really discussed their opinion in the matter. I don't even feel as if I can tell my friends as I know how rumours and gossip spread as I go to a school where half the students are incredibly homophobic and half are te complete opposite. I guess I just need some advice as to what to do. I feel like I need to tell someone but I don't know who.

[BballJ]

Hi _Piper_,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. Well done for posting how you are feeling at the moment, it takes a lot of courage to post about this stuff, especially at your age, so well done for that. Just so you know this is a safe non judgemental environment full of caring people.

I can see how hard this is for you and that you want to talk about it, which I think is great, it can always be hard to talk about this stuff I think at any age, but being a teenager is always a little harder. Have you got a school counsellor you can speak to? Maybe telling them is a good first step. I also think involving your parents which I know is tough but I just think if it were my kids feeling like this, I'd want them to tell me about this so I can help them through their feelings and give them reassurances that it is ok to feel this way.

Please also know you can call the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 24/7 to discuss how you are feeling, they are trained professionals.

I am sorry if my advice isn't that great and I do hope others will comment with more advice for you.

My best for you,

Jay

[MsPurple]

Hi Piper and welcome to the forums

Like you, I myself at 15/16 (can't remember when exactly) questioned my sexuality. I myself was like you in the sense that I got crushes on boys, but I felt very comfortable and also sexually attracted to boys. I felt confused. I did talk to a boy about it because he was openly bi with me (not out to the school). I then got a boyfriend shortly after and thought that was the answer. I thought that meant I was straight. I was a little naive about sexuality. I thought when you are bisexual it means you either 'are gay but not completely out' or 'you want to experiment with both genders' or 'still undecided'. I was wrong. I question my sexuality again about 3 years ago when I was 23 and single. I watched a youtuber called Shane Dawson's bisexual coming out video. After watching it I got a sinking feeling. Most of what he said is how I had felt. Maybe this is why I had struggled to be in a serious relationship. Because I wasn't open and honest with myself. I had just compressed it as I thought since I had dated boys only at that stage that I must be straight. I didn't know what to do with these feelings or what it exactly meant. I decided to talk to my headspace therapist about it. I remember the convo. I was shaking. All I could say was "how do you know if you are straight". I remember how he looked at me. A little confused at first. Then he had this, oh this makes sense look. He then he said super casually "so you like girls?" and I said "I've dated men and loved my ex, but I think I like girls to". He said "so you like both". He then helped me accept myself. He was super chill about it and it helped me feel more chill about it. It did take me time to fully accept myself, but not I am happy with my identity. I am bisexual and I'm ok with it. NO I am not completely out to everyone. I don't feel the need to come out over FB. It's not like I need to shout "hey I'm a little bit gay" over the rooftop. I just tell people as I see fit. A lot of my friends know.

I just want you to know it is normal to question your sexuality. Especially at your age. Most people don't wanna talk about it. I know straight people that have questioned their sexuality. They were attracted to women but not romantically. And that is ok too. It is something that isn't black and white. You can be somewhere in the middle. Just know that it is ok to be confused for a while. You don't have to put a label on it now. And sometimes labels change over time.

MP

[MsPurple]

Sorry ran out of characters. I know people that have changed their labels of how they identify over time and that is ok. (e.g. of a label change would be bisexual to pansexual etc). You need to feel comfortable with yourself. And if you are not ready to come out now, that is fine too. I took a while to let people know. I have no regrets, because I needed to accept myself before telling my parents. Just do it in your own time when you are comfortable and safe.

I thought I should let you know of some LGBT+ threads on the forums. Just copy and paste them 🙂

- LGBT+ BB social cafe. For casual conversation and a social thread : https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/bb-social-zone/let's-chat-about-anything/page/21#qniRKXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

-More of a serious thread on LGBT+ matters. If you have a serious question and don't want to start a new thread this would be a good place to go : https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/lgbt-members---got-a-question---need-somewhere-to-start---here-is-the-place/page/2#qnikmHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

[Croix]

Dear _Piper_

Maybe you will think my answer is too simple. It is just how I would approach things, other people will no doubt have different ideas.

It is sad to say there are fair number of people in this world who make life difficult for others. Not just LGBTI people but other sorts of people too. They can be very cruel. As a result one should really have support before attracting their attention, things can get very painful. So I guess it not something I would do casually, I'd need a reason.

One of the really great things in life for many of us is having a partner. Somebody to love and be loved by. Somebody that you want to look after and wants to look after you. Somebody to just enjoy being together with, someone you trust and feel secure with - and have fun with.

When you find that person your orientation will be seen by others, but you will be a unit and able to unite against the world if needs be.

In the meantime if it was me I'd be cautious. By all means sound your parent or both parents out, and if you think they will understand then tell them. Having their support would be a good thing in its own right.

As a parent I didn't care two hoots about my offspring's sexual orientation. I do care about about making good decisions, being kind, being reliable, and so on - all the things that make a person worth-while. Many parent are like me.

Please stick around and see what others say. Disclosure is an important step and listening to others will help

Croix

[geoff]

Hi _Piper_, great replies by those above me, and can I give you an example, if someone is a girl and they date a male, don't people of either sex still criticise you if they don't like the male they're going out with, yes of course they do, the same applies the other way around, it also happens if someone has never had a b/g/friend, unfortunately it is going to occur.
People quite often bring home friends of the same sex, goodness me it still happens today, where I have male friend/s come and visit me, nobody makes anything of it or makes any judgement, so why can't you bring home who you want to without your parents criticising you, your father may know them and have made great friends with them, there's nothing wrong with that is there, absolutely not.
If a male friend comes to visit me and my sons also come there isn't any discussion on the issue, and why should there be, my sexuality is well known, that's why I have two sons, so you mustn't worry who you want to take home.
Your own sexuality doesn't need to be raised at school, unless you feel as though you want tell your friends, but I would bide my time, others may disagree, and that's fine, but if you tell someone and ask them to keep it a secret, that won't happen. Geoff.