Psychologist is not helpful?

[Cstaaway]

Hi, this is my first post so sorry if it seems a bit all over the place. I'm currently in my early 20s and have struggled with my mental health for years and years. Mental illness seems to run in the family (multiple members with schizophrenia and bipolar). Only recently (past 2 months) did i start seeing a psychologist because it always seemed like too much effort to organise it. I got a mental health care plan from my GP and I didn't get to choose my psychologist.

I feel like I go through pretty long periods of time where I either feel nothing or only negative emotions (agitated, anger, hostile). The only thing i tend to care about is doing well at uni. I have always struggled making friends and have had very few close ones. However the ones i do have, i also feel absolutely nothing towards in these periods. I feel as though i could completely cut them out of my life without any second thought. I even feel like I could be fired from my job and not care whatsoever. I haven't found joy in doing almost anything for years and lack any sexual desire. Going out to with friends feels like a chore. I don't even enjoy eating and only do so because there's bad health implications of lack of food and also because i feel physically sick if i don't.

For background, i had an emotionally abusive/neglectful up bringing but no longer live with my parents.

Other things i experience include finding it extremely hard to sleep and when i do, i can sleep for 12 hours every night and still be exhausted, and some days i find it almost impossible to concentrate. I also get agitated very easily if the area i live in is not kept clean.

I'm quite an analytical person so i can understand how I'm feeling without talking to others. To me it sounds like i may have symptoms of depression/anxiety/bipolar. I've voiced everything i feel to my psychologist and I've found him no help and i often leave more agitated then when i came. To me, my symptoms clearly show signs of potential mental illness yet my psychologist has never addressed them and of course i don't want to wrongly self diagnose. He's said i feel the way i do because of how i grew up, which i'm fully aware of and not why i'm going to him. I'm going to him so he can clarify/diagnose in order for me to understand what's going on and to fix it. He doesn't suggest ways to cope with what i feel. I find it quite annoying that after putting off going to see someone for so long that it hasn't helped whatsoever. What do i do?

[therising]

Hi Castaway

Do you think if you knew your natural self better you'd know who you're looking for in the way of friends? I suppose it's a little like 'I basically know myself on some level but not enough to lead me to the kind of people who I'd really vibe with?' From my experience, this leads to feeling a little like Goldilocks - No, this one's too hot, this one's too cold. Yay, this one's just right. Trial and error eliminates what or who you don't want, in the way of friends or porridge 🙂

Myself, I vibe best with naturals. You know the kind of people who are sensitive enough to have a natural feel for life and things. It's amazing how many natural people just can't do small talk. It's like it feels so unnatural to the point where it's uncomfortable at times. While it's polite, this doesn't stop it from feeling uncomfortable. There's definitely a skill to small talk. Skillful people will use it as an opener or trigger into further conversation. Personally, I'm far from skillful at it. I tend to go with what I feel in the moment instead, depending on the circumstances. For example, if someone's wearing a top I absolutely love the colour of, I may say 'I love your top, that colour just leads me to feel so happy. It's one of my favourite colours'. The other person may say 'I love that colour too'. Cue wonder. 'I wonder why it's such a high vibey colour, why it triggers people the way it does'. You both start wondering, covering topics from how the brain perceives colour right through to how colour is used in the field of marketing, to get people to buy things. Feeling the need to say 'I love your top' can trigger a half hour conversation. Personally, I'd take 'feeling' and 'wonderful' (wonder full) over small talk any day. The natural flow of the conversation can be energising. Small talk, on the other hand, can feel empty, predictable and uncomfortably short at times. 'Empty', 'predictable' and 'uncomfortable' are feelings that typically don't raise my vibe all that much. I absolutely thrive on my sense of wonder.

Do you love being triggered to wonder?

🙂