Possible relationship = anxiety

[petit-dingue]

i've been "hanging out" with this guy for about three months now, it started as a hookup but it's turned into something that i really value, we hold hands and kiss and talk and make each other laugh. I definitely have romantic feelings for him. The problem is, I also have anxiety and every time something goes even remotely wrong i go into a downward spiral of despair and suddenly everything's over and i've lost him and im alone until he messages me or i go over to hi place and i'm reassured that everything is fine. He really is a nice guy but we haven't actually said anything about being a couple so sharing these feelings with him would make me feel very clingy and needy. On monday i went round his house and we were gonna go to the beach since it was such a nice day but i had too much of a weed cookie and got way too high to do anything, now im back home and he hasnt answered the message i sent last night and i can't help but worry that it was some crazy final straw and that i totally embarrassed myself and lost him. i feel crazy and i cant talk to my family about it because we're both guys and im not out as gay to them. Should i wait until i see him again and then try and explain myself a little (including my anxiety over not being texted back) or should i message or call him and talk to him about it? i dont wanna suffocate him especially since we're not a couple, but i dont know what i'd do if he just ghosted me.

[geoff]

hello Petit-dingo, I'm not sure how old you are, but to me this being in love with him, and whether or not he smokes weed and if he doesn't then he might be cross with you, but even if he is it's not going to stop him from eventually contacting you, because remember you have kissed and held hands.
People don't really say 'that they are a couple or can we start being a couple', it just happens, it naturally happens and if you need to know how he is thinking then go and see him, then you will find out, rather worrying yourself to bits. Geoff.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi petit-dingue,

Thanks for your post.

Should i wait until i see him again and then try and explain myself a little (including my anxiety over not being texted back) or should i message or call him and talk to him about it?

This is a great question, but I want to add something else -

When people in relationships have anxiety; they can experience the same sort of anxiety that you have which is feeling like you're in a downward spiral, having lost him and needing that reassurance. The problem with is is that it's kind of continuous; so even though he provides you with that reassurance, it's not enough because it happens again.

I do kind of think that it would be helpful for him to know so that he can be more aware of how you're feeling and that you have a tendency to be anxious. Maybe he can be more wary of when things go 'remotely wrong' and being able to tackle that situation head on. I also think seeing him in person would be more helpful so you can read each others body language and help him understand and allow him to process it.

I also think though that it would be helpful for you to try and manage your anxiety outside of the relationship. By this I mean allowing yourself to realise that there may always be a chance that the relationship will end but knowing that whatever happens you will be okay. Having that relationship status doesn't necessarily mean you are secure;- even married couples get divorced. From my own experience I know I have to just trust that it's going to work out, and know that if it doesn't - yes I'd be alone, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.

[Starwolf]

Hey Petit-dingue, good to meet you.

If you feel face to face conversaation could be too daunting, why not send him a simple, brief text message ? Something like "I haven't heard from you. Are you OK ? (or Hope you're OK)". It would show that you care without being invasive.

If he doesn't reply, then you will know that he is not interested in becoming further involved. Being in limbo is often more difficult to cope with than having an answer. When you know what the situation actually is, you can start dealing with it.

Kindest thoughts.