please give me advice i dont know whats wrong with me

[georgias]

hey, so im 16 and only joined BB just now because i realised i needed some serious advice and i have nobody to talk to.

for months and months now ive been feeling sad constantly, like one little comment from a family member or the lack of a comment in some situations, can make me sad for the whole day. sometimes i just wake up and i just feel down and i dont even know why. my parents recently split up, although it wasnt a surprise as their marriage was unhappy ever since i was born basically - ive never seen them happy together and as i was growing up they were constantly fighting and my mum actually left my dad 2 times before she finally left for good about a year ago. I hate my dad, 99% of the time because he is extrmely strict, snaps at the tiniest things and is super mentally abusive (constantly telling me how much of a brat i am and ungrateful and i dont care about anyone but myself etc). but then he also recently guilt tripped me so much so now whenever i feel like i hate him i feel guilty and it stuffs me up. but mainly whenever i see him i end up being sad for the entire time i am with him and even thinking about having to deal with him on the weekend is making me want to cry now.
ive also been having a lot of friend problems that have made me extremely sad all the time as i am questioning constantly whether any of my friends actually like me and am constantly being set off by comments my friends make which are insulting, rude or just make me sad for some reason.
im in grade 11 so school is pretty stressful and i also feel like i get excessively overwhelmed with all my school work. like it is day 2 of term 3 now and i already feel so overwhelmed that i want to cry all the time with the amount of work we have and there is so much stress it just makes me sadder and more withdrawn.

i hate being sad but i literally am all the timee and i dont know what to do - especially becausse i dont feel like i can talk to any of my friends about hwo i feel so its all just bottling up inside of me all the time and i hate it so much.
SOS pls help me

[Wednesday]

Hi Georgias,

Wow you have so much going on it's no wonder you're feeling the way you do. Sweetie this is a lot to deal with, just being teenager is tricky at times without your parents splitting up. Even if you weren't surprised it will still have had an impact on you. It's not you, hang in there. I wish I could give you a hug.

It sounds like you are feeling alienated from everyone at the moment, just when you need to be supported. Can you reach out to anyone, a relative maybe? You may need to tell people how sad you are feeling, or they may not realise. I know it's hard but you can do it. Can you have heart to heart with your mum about visits to your Dad's. I don't know how this stuff works these days but surely at 16 you have a say in things? It's hardly surprising that your school work is overwhelming. Is there a school councillor or favourite teacher that you could chat to?

Sweetie, keep reaching out, let us know how you are going. I know it feels like a black hole at the moment, but it is only a moment in time. Our lives change very quickly even when we don't think they can.

There is no need to bottle things up come back and vent anytime. xx

[geoff]

hi Georgia, I hope you don't mind me replying back to you as I'm an oldie, but your comment really upsets me.
OK you're 16 almost an adult so you should talk with your mum and tell her that you don't want to see your dad, because you feel very uncomfortable being with him, and you have every right to do this, and because of trhis feeling you have is being transferred to how you think your friends are behaving, that is rejection.
Grade 11 and 12 are enormously stressful and you have to learn or ram so much information into your brain so that you remember it all at exam times, and once they have finished all this information just goes away.
As Wednesday has said maybe you could approach the school counselloror even be upfront with your mum and tell her that you want to see the doctor, where she will want to know why, well you could tell her, but if you feel uncomfortable then say it's because of something private and will tell her later on.
When friends make comments then sometimes they may upset you when you are in a sad frame of mind, but then take the same comment when you are happy then that comment may not upset you, but you have the finals approaching and I thoroughly suggest you talk about seeing your doctor, whether you want to tell anybody is up to you, perhaps you could the BB phone number which is at the top of this page.
Keen to know what you think. Geoff.

[georgias]

thanks so much for replying,

In the past I have been given the option of not seeing my dad because obviously mum understands why I hate him except recently my brother (whose 9) has been having extreme anger episodes, which he sees a psychologist about, when I'm not with him at my dads and so between my parents pressuring me to go to his house and my own guilt that if I don't go I'll be causing my brother to be distressed and have an episode I can't justify not going to myself which I hate because I hate feeling sad but it's like a cycle I can't get out of.

i also feel extremely uncomfortable talking to my mum about this and I don't know why because she has a history of depression and anxiety so would understand any sadness I have but I just can't do it. I think I might go see my school counsellor though.

I also just wanted to add (or vent) about how I am doing my grade 8 percussion and grade 6 piano exams both within the next 2 months and I suck at both and feel like I am not skilled enough to be able to get a good grade in either of them. I am ok with piano but I do percussion lessons at my school so during school time and during every percussion lesson I always tear up or cry from the pressure my teacher puts on me and when I don't meet his expectations I feel so guilty and bad about myself that I can't help but start crying and this happens every lesson without fail. I always go to the bathroom after my lessons to cry before I go back to class it's so bad. I considered quitting bc it was so much stress at the end of last term but then decided against it, but it's so hard because I have percussion ensemble as well which we are forced to do and I feel like I'm not good compared to the other members and I embarrass myself every rehearsal.

sorry to keep venting but I also constantly feel nervous and anxious about going to my volleyball trainings and games. I have 2 volleyball trainings a week and one game and I dread going to all of them everytime and this happens with all my sports and I hate it. I am so sensitive to criticism and usually take any negative comments as insults and it causes me to lose faith in myself - so much that when my softball team made fun of the way I ran I have promised myself to never play softball again bc it makes me feel so nervous and dread it so much

[Wednesday]

Georgia's, thank you for writing back and letting me know a little more about your life and how you are going. You have so much on your plate. I love that you have music in your life but it sounds like it is a stress not a joy, so sad. Are you sure that you are messing up as much as you think? Are you sure that others aren't messing up too, isn't that what rehearsal are for to learn? Are you giving yourself some unnecessary negative self talk? If so stop right now and tell yourself what an awesome, talented person you are.

Okay so you're not comfortable talking to your mum at the moment. But you do need some support. Please go see that school counsellor very soon. Who else can you go to for support, do you have a grandparent around? Are you able to go to your GP? As Geoff said you may have to ask your mum and tell her you'll talk to her about it later.

It worries me that you feel responsible for your baby brother. I understand that your his sister and as such want the best for him, but sweetie you are not his parent and you too have issues to manage at the moment. You need to get some help. Fortunately he is being given some help. I am sorry that he is struggling and this is coming out as anger.

Your sadness seems to be causing you enormous anxiety. I wonder if your parents knew how you felt if they would back of on pressureing you? As you said your mum would understand, can you figure out why you are reluctant to talk to her? She's your mum and loves you. Sometimes mum's and daughters struggle during teenage years, it's normal. But it does get better.

You are very hard on yourself it is no wonder that your are feeling fragile. Have you taken a step back and looked at what you are managing at the moment? Anyone would be struggling with your load, though we all deal with stuff in our own way. Your are obviously one smart young woman with loads of talent and stronger than you think. Right now you need to focus your needs, physical and mental health.

Please make a time to chat with the school counsellor. When your up to it write / vent and let us know how you are going.

Good luck with the music exams, remember to take slow deep breathes and be in the moment, which is of course about enjoying the pieces you are playing (I hope you like them). Just take one step at a time, you will get there.

Hugs, Wednesday.

[Lazykh]

Hi Georgias,

I feel like I can relate to you because I also went to a high school with 'special interest' music and volleyball programs. (Or, especially disinterested as I thought of it.) I really, really, really hated music. The head of music was a bully and took special pleasure in singling people out to sing in choir and then bag their voice in an unconstructive way or drop them from the choir. Music was totally classical focussed and if that wasn't you, you were ostracised. I finally got out of music, because it was just so awful. I picked up some languages at night school instead so I still got my high school qualification. End result was that I got a medal for spanish instead of getting Ds for music. I wasn't dumb, I was just in the wrong place.

I think people who use music for relaxation or expression are lucky, but it's not that way for everyone. I couldn't imagine enjoying music personally because it was always an authoritarian discipline within my experience, that I considered complete torture. The problems I had with music very nearly derailed me as a teenager and I consider myself really lucky I was assertive enough to get out in the end, even though it took a while.

I recommend thinking about pros and cons and making sure you are getting something out of what you are doing, whatever it is. School is one road through life but it's not the only one, music is one road through the school, but it's also not the only one. I'm probably biased against music myself, but at least you know you aren't the only person who had problems with it.

Lazykh