Partner on holiday

[Batgrl96]

Hi all I am struggling lately as my partner has left to go on holiday for 9 days but it seems almost unbearable to be away from him for so long. I already have pre-existing anxiety and understand that my fears are irrational however I am still unable to deal with him being gone. I am trying the distraction technique and have taught my self how to knit but seems to not be helping very much.

Any help is much appreciated.

[Croix]

Dear Batgrl~

Over a week, 9 days, can be a long time, and if it is more than just missing your partner but also anxiety making your life miserable then I'd imagine it's something you have been dreading.

On a practical level using distraction is a pretty good idea, I use it a lot myself. I'm not sure about knitting though.

For me distraction has to take my mind right away, like exercise, reading, movies, writing. I have done things that just use my hands, such as sorting, however if it is repetitive and not altogether absorbing it does not work, my hands go though the motions and my mind wanders off back into the anxious state I was trying to escape.

So I'd suggest casting around for something that will keep your mind busy.

That's in the short term. Nobody should put up with a life where fear and anxiety poison everything. May I ask if you are under any form of treatment? If you are then it sounds as if you need to visit your doctor and ask to have your regime reviewed - it's obviously not completely effective.

If you are not, then can I say you ought to book a long consultation with your GP and say how you have been feeling, ask to be tested for anxiety and see what happens. It can only make things better.

For your own information you might like to look at The Facts menu above, which sets out a great deal on anxiety, and also have a look at how others in this Forum have coped.

Are you all by yourself or do you have someone, family, friend or other person you can talk to, who will understand and want to help? I found this to be a great comfort.

Getting back to techniques to hold anxiety at bay have a look at

Forums / Anxiety / SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING ANXIETY

A thread I personally found very helpful.

I'd be very happy if you posted again and talked more

Croix

[Batgrl96]

Im not currently under any treatment but have had many consults in the past with pschologists especially in regards to my anxiety. Many have suggested the typical breathing and relaxation techniques but they dont work for me. I have known about the trip for some time and as you suggested have been dreading it. Im not concerned about him being on holidays in fact I am glad he did go away however I am fearful of being alone for such a long time. I would talk to family but have been told that im just being clingy. I am trying to do constructive things in order to relieve my anxiety but am constantly going back to him not being home and the inabillity to see him.

[Croix]

Dear Batgrl~

It doesn't sound as if your family is much help. I'm not sure what they think 'clingy' means anyway. I do find I can only talk (with one exception) to others who have had the same mental experiences as myself, otherwise it is like explaining colors to those that are colorblind - over and over again.

You did say you were fearful of being alone for that length of time. Do you mind if I ask you more about that? Is it being alone in the house, or a worry he will be unfaithful or something else? I'm not trying to pry, just trying to understand more so I can talk more about the things that concern you

Take care Batgrl

Croix

[Batgrl96]

I am not worried about him being unfaithful nor of being alone in the house however he is genuinely one of the only support systems I have my family arent very helpful and have laughed off my anxiety of being away from him. I am mainly fearful of being alone with no one to help me if anything goes wrong he is the only one who helps me with my mental issues and if something comes up in life. Im also fearful of losing him as I have lost my mum a few years back and have never really been able to cope by myself since. Its difficult because many believe its not a big deal but for me it feels like ive lost my support especially as I dont have many friends to talk about on such a deep level like I do with him.

[Croix]

Dear Batgrl~

Thank you for explaining, I completely understand where you are coming from. I lost my first wife who had been my support, care and understanding since I became ill with PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression. Her loss and my feeling of aloneness was something else.

I did survive it, messily, with calls to Lifeline, reliance on my pshrink and a concerted attempt to find another - which I was blessed and did. So you are not being silly, its a very real fear.

What can I say to lessen this? OK, I found I survived - I had not thought it very likely but I did. I am actually stronger and more resilient than I thought possible. That's not saying it was not pretty dicey, but I got there.

I don't think I'm special or unique, far from it. I suspect there are little reservoirs of strength in just about everybody, hidden until called upon by extreme circumstances. I imagine they are in you.

Hopefully you will never have to find out , but if you do I'm sure they will be there and like me you will struggle through and afterwards life will get better.

Although it is true that losing one's partner is not likely there is probably not much use in my repeating the fact, because we are dealing with fear and emotion, not logic. However it is true. As time goes on you may even find yourself in the position where another depends upon you, life can turn things around. Then your experience will lend you the understanding you need.

I'll remind you of a suggestion I made, finding something that occupies the mind as well as the hands for distraction, anything from cooking to ... well you know you.

With no one else to talk to in depth this place here can be a refuge at times

Croix

[geoff]

hi Batgrl, I had replied back to you, but I thought that it might not be accepted, unfortunately that's what has happened. Geoff.

[Doctor who_aspy]

hi batgrl

i completely understand what you are going through. my partner is currently away for 2 months and the first 2 weeks have been so hard. i have found that letting yourself cry and get frustrated about it all is fine. i was also told to write letters to him each day and give them to him when he gets back will help. it might make you feel more connected to him that way. i am also really open with him if you tell him in the letters what you are feeling it might help not just him but you to understand why you are feeling this way.

its not wrong to feel this way. everyone reacts differntly to different situations and when you have a mental health condition i think you are more connected to emotions so your response is more emotional. maybe think of this time away as time for you to try something you wouldn't do if he was there. such as going for a pampering day.

we are all here for you xoxo

[Batgrl96]

Thanks for the suggestions i really appreciate the help. I get occassional messages from him which help temporarily but writing letters sounds like a good way of conveying how I feel but in the same token I would probably not want to give them to him as I dont want to make him feel guilty for having a fun time. A day of pampering sounds like a good plan just to spend some time on myself.

[Doctor who_aspy]

i hope it helps,

being away from your partner is hard. batgrl remember that we are here for you, even it it is to just to feel like somebody is there for you.