One step forward, two steps back

Elea · ‎07-01-2016

Hi everyone. I'm 24 and have been struggling with anxiety and depression since I was in my mid teens, but the last 6 years or so have been pretty hard and I'm scared that things will be this way forever.

I feel like anxiety and depression have ruined some of the most important years of my life. I'm 24 and still struggling through university- I've dropped out of 3 different degrees over the past few years because it's been so hard to drag myself to uni and maintain the motivation to study. As you can imagine my HECS debt is pretty big at this point, and I worry about it a lot. I've lost contact with most of my friends because they understandably got sick of me making excuses for not going out with them. I've managed to hold down a job this entire time, which is something I'm proud of. But I'm just incredibly tired and lonely and sometimes I just want to give up. I can't stop comparing myself to other women my age and feeling like I'm so far behind.

I've been taking antidepressants for a few months and it has helped a lot. I don't have suicidal thoughts anywhere near as much as I did, and my anxiety is a lot better. Lately I've been feeling increasingly bad again, and I feel like I can't tell my family about it because they've had to deal with me breaking down so many times before and they're probably sick of it.

I've found a lot of comfort reading the posts people have made here, so just thought I'd join in. Thanks for reading.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Guest_1055 · ‎09-01-2016

Hey Elea

I am glad you found some comfort in reading, for me it helps my heart to not feel alone and a sort of connection happens, because you can relate a bit to others. I am not quite sure as to why, it is like this is your world or some strange thing.

I am sorry you have been struggling, and have been feeling bad, please don't feel bad.... And it is hard to make and keep some friends, because I don't think they understand or they don't know what it feels like. But I have to tell you, I don't even know how to make a friend. Because I get so awkward, and hate small talk. Are you like that?

And what have you been studying at uni?

Well I just wanted to give you a hug Elea.

With love

Shelley xx

White_Rose · ‎09-01-2016

Hello Elea

How are you traveling today? You have taken a huge step in coming to BB and I welcome your contribution. Anxiety and depression are the pits and when they are with you for so long it does feel as though you will be like that for the rest of your life. But this is not the case, you can get better. Have you spoken to your GP, talked with a psychologist? I imagine you must be talking with a doctor to be prescribed ADs.

Sometimes ADs seem to stop working or the effect is no longer obvious. You had an enormous boost when the meds kicked in I imagine and I expect you were pretty happy about this. What I have found is that your management ability also rises and you can get on with your life better. This is hard work and you may feel tired so it seems the ADs are losing their effectiveness. Not really, unless you are very unlucky, because you have been taking them for only a short time.

I know it feels wrong but it shows you are doing more. Perhaps you could use the help of a psychologist, not only to encourage you and help you learn ways to manage, but also to reassure you about the cycles of depression. There are times when it feels as though we are on a roller coaster.

In my opinion the most important years of your life are those you are living, not those that have gone or those in the future. Concentrate on what you can and are achieving now. I always wanted to go to uni but didn't believe I was good/clever enough, not suitable and a whole pile of reasons. I finally went to uni in my 50s and completed my undergraduate degree. You cannot imagine how pleased I was with myself. The I went on to a masters. I have retired from paid work and am a grandmother to eight grandchildren. And I am considering returning to study. My best years are now.

Yes, it would have been nice to gain my degree in my 20s. Yes my career path could have been very different but I have no idea if I would have enjoyed it more or less. What matters is where you are. Your friends may seem streets ahead of you in various achievements but none of you know where they will end up. You are doing the hard yards now and building a strong and resilient character. Don't spend time regretting the past and what might have been. Decide to move on from here and achieve great things. And while having depression is not the easiest to achieve compassion, you have great insight to the difficulties of others, and that makes you a great person.

Mary

Elea · ‎09-01-2016

Thank you so much for replying, Shelley and Mary. I cried reading your lovely words and I really appreciate that you took the time to write them.

Shelley- I completely understand what you mean about finding it hard to make small talk. I usually deflect questions about myself because I feel so awkward talking and I often stutter and mix up words when I get nervous. So I end up asking the other person a lot of questions to keep them talking, which makes for a pretty one sided conversation.

I'm studying nursing at uni. It's hard and I often wonder whether I'm going to be able to make it to the end of this course, but I'm going to try my best to keep going. Thanks again for your kind words Shelley xx

Mary- Thanks so much for your reply, it is really encouraging. I think you are right about the antidepressants seeming less effective, when really I am probably just tired from doing more. I have a referral letter for a psychologist sitting on my desk- I'm going to make it my goal to call and make an appointment next week. Thank you again for your lovely reply xx

spunkyturtle · ‎06-05-2016

Hi Elea

i am in a similar situation, my HECS debt got up to $61,000 and I've only finished 9 units. So frustrating. I've been applying for remission of debt for the units I have failed due to my mental illness problems and so far I have had $22,000 of HECS debt erased. They say you have to apply within 12 months but you can get around that.

If it is something you would like to consider I'd be glad to help you.

Deb