Not sure what to do about my future, and feeling pretty worthless.

[GreenLime]

I didn't, unlike literally everyone else in my year level, have such a clear cut idea of what I wanted to do with my life in Year 12 back in 2013.

In 2014, I literally did nothing, apart from work every night vacuuming and occasionally mopping at a Primary School. For that year, I was content. But then 2015 happened and I realised that I need to do something. I love to draw, that is a huge passion of mine, creating things, art in general. Back in Year 12, I was hoping that I could find something to do that would work with my artistic abilities. Only recently have I really considered taking up a job as an illustrator or animator, and the prospect of suddenly having a clear goal was exciting! Except for one thing: I never bothered to contact my school about collecting my old Folios for Art and Vis-Com or any of my finished products.

I emailed the school recently and got a response saying that they do not have it anymore, it's all been "cleared out". And at that moment, I seriously wanted to cry. All of my work gone with just a snap of the fingers. Gone. And it's all my fault too, because I didn't contact them for a whole year! So it's to be expected that they would dispose of it! But I can't help but feel so depressed and down about it. Knowing the hours I put in to my work, and knowing that these folios are a pivotal part of tertiary education, and now they're gone. One of my tickets to the future lost forever because I was too stupid to ever consider contacting the school earlier.

I am not overly confident in my artistic abilities either, I have a really terrible negative attitude. So I don't think it's possible for me at all to create a new mini folio of drawings and things I've created in my leisure as a back-up. There's no way a University is going to approve of stupid cartoon/anime characters I draw. No way in hell.

I don't want to be stuck as a school cleaner for all my life! If I can draw, I want to use it! I have so many huge aspirations and dreams, I just get so hopeful and then come crashing down because reality is so cruel to me. And I turn 20 next month. I won't be in my teens anymore. I'll be one pathetic adult, stuck cleaning schools because he's not any good for anything else. Because he was such an idiot to allow his former school to get rid of all his hard work.

Now I'm just sitting, sulking and moping and I don't know what to do. I should just give up. Having an artistic ability is one of the worst things to have happened to me. 😞

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[white knight]

Hi GL, welcome to beyond blue forums

Boy, you are hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. People misplace CV's. references etc. And many manipulate their work record due to being sacked and dont want that information disclosed.

Start drawing!!!.  Obtain a folder and put pen to paper. Use your memory of your school drawings to reproduce. Then take that folio along to interviews. Scan them and send to prospective employers.

Seeking work. Try jobs on the fringe of your talent eg signwriter.

You seem to be in a rut. You can climb yourself out of it.

Finally. In a few years your school credentials will become less and less important. Once I got to 30yo I no longer exposed them at interviews. I had them on me but unless asked I didnt show them.

Tony WK

[lookingforme]

Hey GreenLime,

Hopefully what I'm about to say will be helpful?

Firstly, don't be so hard on yourself, and I know too well that's a hard thing to ask. But you have created a goal in life, now's the time to figure out what you can do to achieve it. Where to start? Definitely start sketching or drawing or whatever medium you like to use

[GreenLime]

Yeah, but it's a goal that seems pretty unattainable. All the things I want to do are extremely ambitious. I need to learn that not everything is possible and get my head out of the clouds because life won't allow me to do anything I want.

[GreenLime]

Yeah but there's always that tiny ounce of fear that people aren't going to like my stuff. People don't like cartoons when you're seeking such high caliber careers. They want to see photo-realistic realism, and I'mt not good at that. I'm trying sure, but I'm still not great.

Part of this fear comes from my sister's experience, who fortunately did have her folio but she was instantly rejected because they did not like her work at all. How do I know the same won't happen to me? It most definitely will because I don't even have a folio and can't accurately recreate the things in there.

I realise I'm super hard on myself, I wish I could change that, but perhaps it's preparing me for things in the future? I can't get disappointed/sad about something I know is going to happen, for example.

I can never go wrong vacuuming a school classroom because there's only one way to do it. If it's not clean, that's bad, pretty basic. But with a job/course in art (or anything with drawing etc.) it's not clear-cut.

[lookingforme]

I wrote a longer post and it seemed not to have shown up...

you'll never know how far you'll get u less you try, if you really want it, no matter how ambitious, you should try.

i mentioned in the post that disappeared that you could try doing art courses so you get a new portfolio of assessed work. You'd get critiqued on it, so you can develop skills and you'd get affirmation of your dream, because you'd figure out if you still want it. And your anime, that's definitely something that can contribute. 

It might also help to see a psychologist, talk through some of this negativity. Have you thought about it? 

You should definitely try your hardest to do what you think might make you happy. 

What do you think?

[GreenLime]

I do really want it, to use whatever artistic prowess I have, but you need to think realistically. That may be more of my negativity coming through, but it's how I see it. Doing a course and getting a job doing what I love just seems too good to be true. There's got to be a draw back, it's got to be impossible to have it all go my way. It's good for me to have that realisation rather than being extremely disappointed if I ever was to get to that level.

I used to do counselling while still in school, but after graduating the negativity and all my anxiety and such really evolved. I haven't been to anyone to talk to in ages. I'm too afraid of opening up about this to someone face to face.

I really do love to draw, I swear by that, but this whole folio situation is just presenting itself to be an extremely difficult hurdle to overcome.

[lookingforme]

Sometimes, for people on this site or who have similar feelings to what the people on this community do, me especially included, it's best for us not to think too far into the future.  The future, for anyone, is this vague concept with potential for failure but also for success.  I can't speak for everyone and their reactions to this, but the 'success' part is really difficult for me to conceive.  My thoughts on this particular topic have been, and still is when I'm at my lowest, is:  how can I guarantee my success in anything that I try to do when I've currently done the best I can and am in the situation I am in (unemployed, having to leave the country to the place where all of this depression and anxiety started with no out in sight).  And I understand your doubt and the anxiety that comes with it and the negativity.

Ask yourself; why does there have to a drawback?  There are paths that you have already learned about that lead to it, so why is it impossible?  It doesn't all have to go your way each time for you to still succeed in the future and do what you want.  I can guarantee you that if you did not try, you would be more disappointed in the end, having this constant regret, than if you did try.  And because you really want it, you already have the fuel to give it a go.

So, instead of focusing so far into the future, maybe start tackling the little things you can do now and keep tackling those things.  The further into the future you look, the more space for negative thoughts.  Start working on that folio by taking classes (if you're worried about how good your skill is) and keep drawing, talk to universities, ask them what you would need, there are definitely people who can show you the way.  Take a short course from a uni and progress.  All doable things...

I would definitely suggest finding a psychologist.  You won't need to tell them everything straight away, find someone you're comfotarble with, get a rapport with him/her, and maybe start by saying you reached out to the beyond blue community because you feel negative and stuck.The help can do wonders.

And definitely keep writing on this until you feel you can do that.  It feels like you're ready for that change, and that's a lot of the battle I feel.  Don't lose that.