New and confused

classical_muso · ‎27-02-2015

Hi,

I’m new to this community and I’ve never reached out like this before. But I’ve reached a point where just need to talk to someone and I don’t quite know how to or want to reach out to my family and friends. I have no idea if I have depression or anything similar but I go through stages where I get down, I’m tired and everything just feels so overwhelming.

My normal personality is quite energetic, happy and carefree, and most of the time I feel like this which makes me think that when I get down that I’m just being dramatic. I’ve had an on and off history of self-harm through my teenage years (I’m 20 now) which still persists occasionally today. When I’m freaking out and can’t get away from despair I find it helps me deal and calm down. I’ve always managed to pass off the few marks and injuries friends and family have seen and I’ve never confided in anyone about it. I guess I’ve always felt that it’s not a big deal to make a fuss over and eventually it'll just stop.

I think what I’m most confused about is that the majority of the time I feel fine, I feel normal, which makes me think that I don’t have a problem. But then there’s times like today. I’ve been feeling off for a few days now and today was just a bad day. I struggled getting out of bed this morning, I burst into tears over a tiny comment my mother made, I was tired all day and even with a friend at my house I wanted to curl up in bed. And now I’m just struggling. I'm feeling so trapped and overwhelmed. It's like I'm drowning in negative emotions. I just don’t want to deal with anything in my life right now.

I wanted to see if anyone has had any similar experiences or anything helpful they can offer because I’ve reached a point where I’m just so tired of not talking about this and pretending like this is normal and I have no idea what to do.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Doolhof · ‎28-02-2015

Hi Classical Muso,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue Community,

I reached out to this site last year as I was feeling like I really needed someone to listen to me and felt like I couldn't talk to my husband or family as they just wouldn't get how depressed I was.

This is a good first step for you. It always helps to share how you are feeling with someone. Have you tried the phone help lines or the webchat so you can also talk and chat with people with more experience and advice?

It really isn't normal to be self harming. I tried it myself but didn't like the pain or the sight of the wounds. Instead I just pushed myself to the point of collapse and then had a major breakdown and ended up in hospital. Not at all a good situation to be in.

Are you able to go and have a chat with a Dr about how you are feeling? Is there a centre like Head Space you could contact to ask for advice?

You could look up mindfulness on the computer or ask a Dr to refer you to someone who practises this. It is a great way of getting back to reality and changing your thoughts and actions.

You could try sitting down with you parents/Mum and tell them how you are feeling and that you need some help. They would probably appreciate knowing what is going on with you.

I hope some of this is helpful! If you reach out now for help, then your concerns will not escalate and life will be so much easier for you.

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools

geoff · ‎28-02-2015

dear CM, I am so pleased that Mrs. Dools has replied back to you and made you feel comfortable, so I am also pleased that you have found a site where all people from different age groups gather to help each other to advice, suggest, help and support them in their endeavour to find a solution to overcome their problems.

At the moment there are times where you feel OK but then a shadow of darkness falls upon you and then there's a sudden change, and what this means is that these days of feeling OK will slowly decrease, I'm so sorry to say and that's why help is needed.

I just wonder whether these days actually happen or do you pretend to feel that they are true, because what happens is that we put on a brave face or false exterior per se, indicating to others that we feel fine, and we have all done this.

I am a 60 year old man, old to you, but I do care for everybody who posts on this site, so perhaps we can forget about the age difference, but what I want to say is that I have had more cuts on my body from injuries I care not say, but it frightens me to think that someone wants to self harm, as I have never done this myself.

These negative emotions will as I have said will diminish those days where you feel OK, because what happens is that they are far too overpowering, and begin to control our life, and that's what we call by having depression.

Now that you are 20 years old then please I suggest that you go and see your doctor, because it's time to get professional help.

The doctor is very astute and he/she will be able to pick up that there is a problem, and all they will want to do is help you, so please I urge you to contact them.

If however it's the family doctor and you feel uncomfortable in seeing them then please get back to us and we will then help you.

I would tell you now but I'm running out of characters. Geoff.

classical_muso · ‎28-02-2015

Thank you Geoff and also Mrs. Dools for your kind words and advice. It's nice to know there is a community of people out there who understand. It's also nice to see things from another persons perspective.

However if I don't want to see my family doctor should I just make an appointment with another one in my area?

Cheers.

geoff · ‎01-03-2015

dear CM, thanks for getting back, and the answer to your question is yes, but what I suggest you do is to click under 'Get Support' at the top of this page where you will be able to find a list of doctors, some maybe in your area, but all these professionals are aligned to BB and specifically handle depression, so have a look at this list and then decide.

It's quite understandable if you don't want to see your family doctor, because you may fear that everyone else might find out, however they are obligated to keep your file discreet and confidential unless you authorise someone to be able to contact them.

Please let us know how you get on. Geoff.

beyondblue_Online_Communi · ‎01-03-2015

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Doolhof · ‎04-03-2015

Hi CM,

Have you managed to chat with a Dr. yet? If so, did you find the appointment helpful? Do you think you will mention this to your family?

It may be a little hard for family and friends to understand, but usually having their support is very beneficial to your healing process.

I was in hospital late last year having had a mental breakdown and felt a little embarrassed when a girlfriend came to visit with her daughter. But it showed me they accepted me for who I am.

My family do try to be supportive and my friends also. I don't always know what to say to people when they are hurting or are afraid for what ever reason, so I can't expect everyone to have perfect understanding and the right words to say to me either.

When you are having your good days, that is a great time to tell others how you sometimes feel and also a good time to work out strategies to help yourself.

Hope this makes sense to you. Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools