Need to share

[El_]

Hi,

I am very new to this and just wanted to find a place to share my thoughts and emotions without feeling judged. 

I have suffered from anxiety for a few years but for over a year now, I have felt very down and emotional. Sometimes I am I sad for no reason and find it difficult to get out of bed or to motivate myself. I used to be an energetic, vibrant girl and loved keeping fit and active but for a couple of years I have slowly seen myself withdraw and lose my love for those activities. I have always felt as though I have drawn the short end of the straw - meaning my life seems to hit more bumps and road blocks than others.

To summarize things, I recently had a job where I was being bullied and harassed. It took me to breaking point where I shamefully had to call in 'sick' for one week because I was too scared to go to work. I ended up resigning the week I returned from being 'sick' but after nearly a year, I still feel anxious and unworthy and have nightmares from working there. 
Last year my Nanna also passed away on the eve of my 21st birthday. It was such a difficult time and I feel as though I am still struggling from that. 

I feel so weighed down and confused about why I feel so down, when I have what others would call a "comfortable life". I watched my Dad suffer from depression during my teenage years and know that feeling like this is nothing to be ashamed of. My Dad's struggle has really encouraged me to open up and seek help. I recently opened up to my boyfriend about how I am feeling and am not sure he really understands. I think he thinks I choose to feel this way but I can't really explain to him that it's not a choice, that I wake up feeling depressed and can't switch it off. 

I don't know what to expect from sharing this but I guess I am hoping for some guidance. It's terrifying to think I have let my guard down and others will now know my story!

[CrashCoyote]

Hi EI,

Thank you for posting. I know you are worried about someone knowing your story, but here's the secret, there are lots of people on here with very similar stories. It is not uncommon to feel how you are.

Yes, partners and peers often do not understand anxiety or depression, I like to use a physical analogy. If I tell someone that I suffer high blood pressure (which I do) they cannot see it, or how it affects me, or know the blinding headaches that come if I forget to take anti-hypertensives, yet they accept and believe what I tell them. In that sense, high blood pressure is just as intangible to them as depression. Of course, they can do nothing to treat me, they can only accept it is how I am or ludicrously try to make an argument that I do not have high blood pressure! 

I am glad that your dad's struggle has encouraged you to open up and seek help. That is a very positive step. I suppose you have (or plan to) see a G.P. as your first port of call? S/he can assess whether you need professional support and point you in that direction. There is a heavily subsidised Medicare Mental Health Plan that doctor's can place you on, which sees you get psychological support at either no cost or very little cost to you for ten visits.

Finally, there is no judgement on this site, just acceptance and support. Many of us are just like you, or better, or worse, but all doing our best. I will keep an eye out for your posts.

Kind regards, John.

[geoff]

dear EL, welcome to the site and thanks for opening up to us.

I like John's analogy as it's another way of explaining what this illness does to us but no one can actually see.

I also agree that it's good for your dad to advice you to open up, because nothing can happen unless people know what's happening with you, because it's virtually impossible to overcome our own depression by ourselves, although sometimes people believe that they can, but it will keep on reoccurring.

What I would like you to do is to click under 'Resources' at the top of this page and order All the Printed Material from BB, it's all free, but the information that it provides may help your boyfriend understand what depression can do to anyone.

Just explain to your b/friend that you still love him, but going through a difficult time, and whether or not it has or has no bearing on him, but 'can you give me some support', and tell him about the information you are waiting for. Geoff. x

[El_]

Hi John and Geoff,

Thanks so much for your replies. It's funny how for the first time I feel like someone finally understands me! 

Uni has started again for the year so with some added stress I'm taking things day by day. I'm definitely feeling more comfortable having been able to open up and not feel so weighed down.

Thank you both again for your encouraging words.