need direction in life - friends/family/job/relationship

[undecided_future]

Hello i'm new to this forum!

I have been feeling a bit down and anxious about my current circumstances and have not decided what I want to do in the next few years/have no positive direction in life.

Little about myself:
I'm a 22 year old male who has very few friends, have not been in a relationship and have never held a job. I feel very awkward meeting new people, have social anxiety and always feel out of place.
Since high school I have been bullied, felt alone and insecure due to my mother passing away when I was very young and felt that I was always lacking something in comparison to other kids. This caused my self confidence level to drop and has been with me since second year of university. I have just been able to open up to a group of friends that has changed me to think more positive and accept things for what they are. However, it is because associating myself with these types of people I have felt down, due to comparing myself to them and what they have achieved at their ages and what I have yet to achieve. They go out to parties, have a lot of friends and interact well among their family/friends and I wonder why this can't be me (they are friends from primary school and we've started from the same seed).
Due to being unable to make new friends and socialise, I have taken holidays (solo) as an excuse to avoid the lonelyness and find something to do with my time instead of staying at home and watching youtube videos. These holidays have opened up a new insight on my life and have helped me deal with depression.

However whilst I am on holiday, I feel like I am falling behind in life. People my age are getting employed in full time jobs, they are getting into various relationships, developing new friendships and socializing with the people around them. I'm at a stage where I feel like everything is going by so fast that I can't keep up and don't know what I can do. I can't just keep using holidays as an excuse to avoid lonelyness but want to deal with it now.
I have just graduated university and am currently unemployed. I need help on what I should do next in life.

Thanks for reading!

[Summer Rose]

Hi undecided_future

Welcome to the bb forums. I know it takes a lot of courage to post for the first time, so well done to you. I'm so sorry that you grew up without your mum, I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must have been. Please know that you have done well and have much to be proud of.

I have a son your age experiencing similar challenges and worries about his future, so I feel I understand a little bit about how you are feeling. You are not alone.

I'm going to tell you what I told him. First, never forget your achievements. You made it through uni. You have maintained a solid friendship base. You are smart enough to reach out for help when you know you need it.

Second, I encourage you to seek professional help. Social anxiety is common and with the right treatment most people recover. Please make a double appointment to see your GP and talk through the issues. It gets better.

Third, never compare yourself to others. You have to live your life to the best of your ability, and because you are a unique young man it will be different to the others. Try not to worry too much about what others are doing, they are walking their path and they have their own issues. Life doesn't run on a timetable son, and self- imposing deadlines for certain achievements is unnecessary and pointless. Take the pressure off yourself and just breath.

I would like to be someone you can lean on and I know there are many others who will want to support you too. You are not alone.

Kind thoughts to you

[LavenderTea]

Hey there,

Thank you for posting. I think that Summer Rose has hit a few good points there - social anxiety is something that can generally be overcome fairly easily with the help of a professional, so seeing a GP to kick that off is a good place to start.

I'm 24, and have gone through the whole uni/career/what-the-heck-do-I-do-with-my-life thing too. Like you, there are many people I know from high school who are settling down, on their second child, or working full time, buying houses etc etc, so I understand that it can be a whole lot of pressure. Whilst Summer Rose makes a good point about not comparing yourself to others, it's easier said than done sometimes, so what I would suggest is being more kind to yourself. Yes, you might be at different points in your life compared to other people, but being kind to yourself, practicing self-acceptance/self-care, and understanding that it's okay might be something you can try practicing.

You've mentioned that going on solo holidays has opened up some new insights on life for you... Maybe this is something you can focus on.

Also, something to consider as well - you mention that you want to be like your other friends who have a lot of other friends, but consider whether this is something you really want. Some people can be a little more introverted which just means you enjoy your own company more, so something to consider is whether you actually do want a larger social network, or whether comparing yourself to others just makes you think you should have a larger social network.

Hopefully this is helpful!

LT.

[james1]

Hello undecided_future

Welcome. I am 26 and this topic is so close to my heart because, as the others have mentioned, I think it happens to everyone near the time they leave school and uni.

I won't repeat what the others have said but I will just add:

Facebook has relationship status and couples often fill this out. How often do we see people freely advertising that they are actually single? Or that they just broke up?

People put up photos of them at parties, but they don't put up photos of them sitting at home the very next day, watching Netflix.

People put up photos of going to the gym looking toned. Never do they put up photos of eating and having a bloated tummy.

We see only tiny bits of other people's lives. Most people's lives are pretty monotonous, even for those people who go partying.

So yeah. You're doing really well by having finished uni and going on these holidays. That's actually a big thing. Next up could be looking for a job, doing more study, or just taking it easy. None of these are bad options really.

There's no right way to live your life. Some people are CEO's by 25. Other people stay and work in fast food all their lives. It's just a matter of what you are happy to do, and that is something that you'll learn as you give things a go, as you are doing now with your holidays.

James

[Ramm]

Hey! Thanks for putting yourself out there, I know that it can be tough. Also, congrats on graduating university! That’s a huge achievement that you should be proud of!

I want to stress to you that you don’t need to rush things to “compete” with others your age. You don’t need to have a great house, heaps of friends, a high paying job, or a partner; you just got out of uni, give yourself some slack!

Remember that this is your life and you should things at your own pace. Success has no expiration date. Don’t compare yourself to others. Focus on the things you love and want to work on to better improve yourself. Even if it’s something you’re not good at, if you love it, do it.

I’ve heard that a lot of post graduates struggle to find work. Just keep looking and you’ll eventually find something.


I think it’s best for you to seek some professional help to deal with your social anxiety. I think it may also be good to talk about the impact your mother’s death has on you and its roots in your lack of confidence.


I wish you all the best!