My mother has ruined almost every part of me

[samara]

I never really get to speak about how I'm feeling without being shut down, so my thoughts sort of take over my mind and before I know it I'm breaking down again. I feel like I only really have one issue in my life right now and that's my family. My mother has ruined almost every part of me. I don't even know where to begin. I've been battling her for years and right now I'm trying to do all I can to move away from here and just get my life back. I want to feel happy about myself again. Every bit of a responsibility that a mother should have is put on me and for years I thought this was normal, but now I'm truly exhausted. She calls me hurtful things, tells me to leave, she's put me in debt, she threatens me. The worst part is, she has a gambling problem that only I know about, every day is different depending on if she won money or lost it. Sometimes I hope that my mum always won money so she would treat me kindly but at the same time, seeing her treat her children respectfully for five minutes over money just sickens me. I've never been one to put my problems on other people, sometimes I've tried talking about how I'm feeling but I get told to save it for another time or to really have a think about sharing how I feel because I'll upset other people.  I feel like i've already gone through the stage in my life where I could distract myself. Now I have no choice but to face everything every single day. I try to convince myself that one day I'll get out of here, I'll be happy and everyday is one step closer but then I have those days that I can't do anything. My thoughts turn negative and I feel trapped and just heart broken. I'll never be able to push past the thing's that my mum has done, I know they are going to stay with me, but I just need someone to talk too who I won't affect. I try not to bottle thing's up anymore because I know how angry I can get and how the bad decisions that come with it all just add to everything. I know that she doesn't want me around, it just hurts that it's only because I'm her daughter, I've done nothing but help her, be there for her and give her everything she ever wanted. Now i'm alone, crushed and I have nothing. And that's what she gave me in return. I don't know how many times I can get back up.

[gettingbetter]

Samara I dont know how old you are, but this sounds like a desperate situation. Your mum is acting irresponsibly, treating you badly...this is emotional abuse we are talking about here. Do you have someone you can talk to about this? Other ppl in your family? She needs to get help for her gambling problem and bad behaviour, and not make her problems yours. Look at what she is doing to your mental health, it makes me so angry to read it.  

She may have made you feel like you have nothing but that is not true. You have one very important thing and that is yourself. You still have a desire within you to go ahead and be happy, and to move past the horrible things your mum has done to you. Try and put the hurt to one side for a min and concenrtrate on getting out of your cuurent situation.  And talk to someone, whether its on here or a helpline or a counsellor, anyone to let your voice be heard.  

[samara]

Thank you for replying I really appreciate it. I spend a lot of my time focusing on getting out of this situation, it's my hope at the end of the day. I know that everything will be fine later down the track once I can leave. I don't speak to my family about anything, they are the type of people who you just can't have a sensitive conversation with. They are exactly like my mum. I have a partner though, he listens. But he can't help but feel angry and upset whenever I come to him with the same problems. I've always dealt with my life on my own, but sometimes it becomes too much so i decided to come here just to finally get it all out of my head. I taught myself everything that I know, I never had parents to guide me which is why I'm so frustrated that the little things in life that do make me happy just become ruined because of the people who are supposed to love me? I've finally accepted that I'll never belong here, I'll never have a mum. It's okay though, I think I'm better off and happier and one day I'll have a family of my own who will take care of me. I just need to stay on track and not let the negative thoughts take over. I've tried helping my mum with her problems, it doesn't work. She can't see what she's doing to her children, she just puts the problem back onto me and says that ' I'm mental and need help'  I want to talk to someone just to feel like I matter, theres only a few times in my life when I don't feel worthless. I have no self-esteem and I need to build myself back up otherwise I'll never be happy. I don't want to keep things from my partner about needing help, but I'm afraid that he doesn't see it as help, he thinks that he should be all I need to talk to and not resort to someone else? I understand how he is feeling, but I deal with the stress of him as well as my home life. I don't know how to explain to him that seeking help isn't a bad thing. I think because of the stigma behind depression people don't want to hear that you need help sometimes.

[AGrace]

Hi Samara,

What a heart wrenching story that you have shared with us, but more importantly lived through. I have to say I'm completely touched by the way you've been able to express your thoughts and feelings. 

Your situation must feel very overwhelming at times. Despite this you show such a mature perspective on how things are and how you want them to be. It's impressive to hear that you've set yourself this goal to eventually remove yourself from a very disturbing environment and you've stuck to this plan. I have no doubt that you will achieve your goal, you seem to have a lot of determination. 

I hope you will find the forums a place where you can share with others without judgement, and without being told to get on with it. (We are all too aware that it's not that simple)

I wonder if you've ever sought help from a GP, or other medical professional? It must be difficult not to be able to speak with anyone about your issues. I'm not sure how old you are but seeking independent support can feel a bit daunting, however in the long term can be extremely helpful. Are you studying at the moment? Is there perhaps a counsellor you can chat with? The amazing thing about Beyondblue is that their services are quite extensive. Using the forums is a great way to be in contact with understanding people, the call line is valuable for when things get too tough, and webchat can be helpful if you need some extra support immediately from a trained professional. If you're not ready to seek medical help but you would like some more guidance to get closer to your goal I encourage you to make use of all of the services.

I hope you will continue to use the forums and feel free to vent as much as you want,  we're all here to listen. 

AGrace