my depression is ruining my relationship

[Peart]

I was diagnosed with severe depression and currently going to group therapy, will change to individual therapy soon. Recently I feel like my depression has been negatively affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. We've been dating and living together for 1.5 years and we're both studying working at the moment. Especially, we're both in the final year of our degrees so it's been very hectic with finding jobs and studying at the same time so we can't really afford to spend much quality time together.

Before I found out I had depression, whenever we had differences it was just an argument. However, now we usually have fights and the shouting comes mostly from me. He's a very supportive partner although sometimes he can be a bit insensitive. It is just that he's so busy with his work and study that he can't tend to me as much as he used to. I understand that. But also because of this I get irritated very often as I have very few friends and can't share my feelings with anyone. As a result, every time he does something that's not the way I want, I get in my mood, blow it up on him and my depression starts telling me to break up. I even proposed breakup several times and he got very upset whenever I did. Fortunately he never takes it seriously. We make up eventually but I feel very bad. I feel he deserves a better happy me but this depression frustrates me so much. I can say sorry but I feel like it's never enough and as I am a very stubborn person I don't want to go against what I've said. I'm just full of conflicts.

[geoff]

hello Pearl, and I'm sorry that it's been a couple of days to anyone to respond, some posts somehow get through the cracks which is very disappointing.
It must be so difficult when you are studying, working and trying to keep everything a r/ship needs, because there are too many issues you have to cope with, and problems which are going to test the two of you.
I am pleased that therapy has begun, where group sessions can be a good way to start, but perhaps individual therapy could be better because then you are able to talk about the private concerns you may not have been game to raise in group sessions.
It doesn't matter whether you think you are stubborn, that could be part of what you are suffering from, a depression that can block what anyone else can say to you, and by saying that you want to breakup isn't going to solve this problem, because it would only leave you worse off than you now feel, guilt would come into this, plus the big question 'what if'.
The two of you have to appreciate what you do, accept that it's going to be a bit tough for a few months, but understand that it's only a temporary situation, and once you finished your degrees this year then this will make it much easier for the two of you to do what you both enjoy.
I can suggest that you keep your counseling going, and I know that this adds on another demand to your life, but it's very important, because hopefully you will learn to become a stronger person, even though you might not think so at the moment, but everything will be kept at the back of your mind and come into fruition. Geoff.

[Starwolf]

Hi Peart, good to meet you.

There is a lot on your plate and on your mind at the moment. It doesn't help that depression limits the amount of pressure we can deal with. And yes, conflict within ourselves means that there will also be conflict with those around us.

Kudos to you for deciding to interact around the forums, a wise move. It will hopefully help unload some of the overload you are buckling under at the moment. Accumulated pressure needs an outlet. I agree with Geoff that group sessions will allow you to let steam off but you will benefit even more from one on one therapy.

Meanwhile, could easing on the relationship for a while without breaking up bring a little peace ? Perhaps seeing each other less often or for shorter periods of time would lessen the chances of getting into arguments ? It seems that the relationship is strong, regardless of studies and personal issues. So it would easily survive a temporary lull. It could also give you both an opportunity to focus on other areas of life demanding attention.

Only you both can figure whether this easing off could work out. It is something for the 2 of you to discuss thoughtfully so that it is not perceived as threat or rejection but a coping strategy to reinforce the feelings that bind you together.

Please take care. You are doing it tough and deserve a little more peace of mind.

[Peart]

Thank you Geoff and Starwolf. Your advices are very helpful. I tried to suppress my agitation for a while and the relationship got a lot better. He really enjoys my company but sometimes I still have a quick lapse and withdraw from him. I guess it's also part of my personality that makes me more prone to depression.

[geoff]

hello Peart, thanks for replying, but it seems as though your relapses are caused by your agitation and that's a very strong trigger for you, so is it possible for your counsellor to pay move attention to this and why they may happen. Geoff.

[Peart]

That might be possible. I will ask her when I see her. Thank you.

[Rosemail13]

Hi Peart,

Reading your post was amazing. It is the first time i have found someone who is in a similar situation to me. I too live with my boyfriend, we are both working and studying and dont have much quality time together. I have GAD and often have the same sorts of arguments you mention. Luckily for both of us our partners are loving, forgiving and patient.

I also feel sometimes im not being fair to my partner, or in a rage will want to just end the relationship to feel like im standing up for myself but really thats not who we are or what we want, its us letting our emotions and negative thoughts take centre stage. If anything, try and use your relationship as motivation to make improvements within yourself. Although being in a relationship when you are suffering from mental illness can be incredibly challenging, it is the best time to work on yourself while you have someone who loves and supports you

i have found writing things down and doing pros and cons helps, i usually come to the conclusion that the problem isnt really with my partners actions, its more with my perceptions.

Hardest of all for me is holding stuff in and thinking before i speak when im mad/anxious, ive found coming on here and looking in the staying well thread can be super relaxing and empowering, as well as maybe when you are feeling good, write notes in your phone about all the good things about your partner, happy memories, why you fell in love, as something to read over when your upset or angry

I hope this helps

stay strong