my anxiety/depression has affected me and my relationships and i don't know what to do anymore

[littlegoat]

Hi there,

i'm sorry if i'm being overdramatic but i just really needed to get some help/advice.

Recently, it's come to my attention that my negativity/stressed nature has affected so many parts of my life. I once thought and was seen as a very optimistic person and some people (those i'm not close too) still think that way. I don't know what happened to myself in the past few years but i became very stressed about literally everything, especially my studies as my hsc was approaching.

i think one of the triggers might have been that i did not know what i wanted to do in the future. I wanted to get the highest atar i could to broaden my options for uni courses. So i was always tense and stressed out about studying while also wanting to balance out my social life as well.i had a boyfriend at the time who was very supportive and rather the opposite of me. He didn't really understand stress but tried to be understanding and calm me down when i was stressing out.

the issue was that i was fixated on the idea of achieving a high atar and my parents were against dating so i didn't tell them about him and he knew. my aim was to get a high atar for them to understand that the relationship i had didn't impact my studies. And i stand by that today because he was supportive of me and i loved him for that. He waited for me and knew we couldn't properly date because the view of my parents. After hsc and atar results, my parents now knew about him but they were still against it, believing i am too young. But we continued to be together. I was still stressing a lot. He was still there for me still but about 5 months ago, he seemed very cold and distant to me. I mentioned how i was feeling about it to him several times and he'd say he's sorry then seem normal again but then back to being distant a few days after. That made me feel guilty, maybe i wasn't giving him enough attention, we weren't going out much so i tried harder, seeing him more often before uni but it wasn't helping and my stress levels were just getting too much to handle because i overthink so much. My closest friends were worried about me because i was so stressed cause my feelings weren't reciprocated and he wasn't treating me like a girlfriend anymore. Feeling so hurt, i knew i needed to break up with him although i still liked him very much till this day.

(i went over the character limit, sorry)

[littlegoat]

(continued from above)

I broke up with him 2 months ago and he thought it needed to happen as well even though he said he would give it another chance but 3 months of stress had really traumatised me. I was overthinking and stressing to a whole different level that i neglected parts of my studies in hope that i could save our relationship.
The past 2 months without him in my life have been a living nightmare. I had always leaned on him with all my problems. He knew everything about me. And it was horrific losing him. Although i know in my head that i needed to break it off, my heart is still struggling.
Something that i regret is going back to my ex for answers to the questions i had. What went wrong? Although i broke it off, i didn't understand what made him feel the need to distant himself and not feel the need to talk to me anymore. It was because i was so negativity. Although he tried to calm me down, it felt like it wasn't working to him. My negativity and stressfuliness became too much for him and he just felt tired. there are other issues as well, like me not being about to go out a lot and he didn't feel the connection anymore.
Now i feel stressed about my friendships. After the breakup, i came to fear losing the people i love. Throughout the struggles of my relationship, i had a friend i always went to about my relationship and another friend who i talked to about feeling stressed and anxiety (as she is going through stress, anxiety and depression as well). But after so many months, i fear that i'm going to lose them as well. That they'll leave me because i'm bothering them so much. That i'm being too negative. Which is why i came here.
i don't know what to do anymore. about my future, and even my present. i find it difficult to talk about this to other people and rather just hide behind my smile. I just feel like my mind is driving me crazy and i can't control my mind from overthinking about everything now.
I'm sorry, i needed someone to hear me out and give me advice.

[awrinkle_in_time]

Hi , you sound like a very nice caring person .. and talking is the best thing to do, well done for explaining yourself so well ..I think it is very important to give ourselves a mental tune up every now and again .. Have you thought of going to chat with someone about feeling so stressed ..Headspace might be a great start .. finding the right person for you is important , keep looking until you find a person you click with... a professional .. I try to just stop when I'm over stressed ..and put my runners on and have a nice walk ..exercise helps a lot .. Take the path of looking after your self ..your mans not going anywhere her just wants it all to change... you can do that...do stuff that makes you happy ..keep looking for answers ... you are a nice person it is so clear in your words you write .. you will find a job/career it will happen ... hope you feel better soon

[littlegoat]

Thank you for your kind words!

i have been considering going to a counsellor or a centre like headspace because my friend recommended me but I'm kind of scared? It's just something new to me and I really don't want my parents knowing because they'd get really worried.

But I will try to make some arrangement and go to headspace.

thank you simonc01 😄

[awrinkle_in_time]

Hi , my son went along to headspace he had some issues at high school with some guys that bullied him ..he said he was scared so i went with him the first time and the lady that was assigned to him was so nice ..he was right then , he still says it was the best thing he has done for himself ....if you had a close friend to hold your hand until you understood how it works that might be easier ..