Mother's emotional abuse has triggered my depression

[Musicgirl]

Heyya, so I'm 19 and still living at home with my mum. I have Generalised anxiety disorder and depression, and am on medication as well as seeing a psychologist.

Im struggling so much at the moment! I went throught a good couple of weeks where it seemed like everything was getting better and i was genuinely getting through the day without any bad or anxious thoughts, and was sleeping properly and everything! It was amazing!!

However, depression has hit me like a brick again. Im struggling to keep down food because of the anxious stomach ive got going on, and struggling to sleep because my thoughts wont stop. It was all triggered I think because I've recently started piecing parts of my life together and have realised my mother is emotionally abusive. We argue about silly things, and then she turns everything around to ensure i take the blame for whatever has happened. She makes me feel guilty for spending money to buy things for myself, even though I work ridiculously hard for my money and i end up paying for most of OUR groceries and living costs because she has a massive gambling problem and loses all her pay. She does things like tell me im selfish because i refuse to gamble with her and then doesnt talk to me and doesnt come home until a ridiculous hour of the morning.

anyway, I spoke to my psych about all of this yesterday and normally that would automatically make me feel so much better but i think i might have opened a huge can of worms. I feel like complete crap and i dont really know what to do. I ended up leaving her office and crying the entire train trip home at everything I saw, like happy families, 'normal' families. Everything I wish I had

 Ive also got another appointment for next week rather than waiting a fortnight, and as much as i want to go im worried that i wont have enough to talk about and ill just be repeating myself. But even if I do repeat myself it just feels so nice to vent. I dont know Im just stressing about that on top of everything else because I dont want to waste my psych's time.

Thanks so much for reading xx sorry its so long

[kelalou]

Hi Musicgirl,

Thanks for braving sharing what you're going through at the moment!

I am glad to hear you have decided to go and see your psychologist earlier than usual given everything you've talked about in your post. I really admire your maturity in accepting that what you are feeling at the moment is tougher than usual, and that you have taken the brave steps to ensure you can talk to someone about it as soon as possible.

You may find you still have things to talk to them about next week and explore. If you are worried you might forget some things or get a bit muddled up or upset, I usually find it helps me to write things down... really helps me to have clear thoughts. I also just love writing in my diary because it can be very therapeutic! Do you ever find doing something like this helps? Does anyone else have any suggestions for some things that could help MusicGirl until her next appointment? Definitely don't be worried about repeating yourself! Your psych is there to listen to and help with ALL of your thoughts 🙂

Hang in there and let us know how you're going over the next few days... 🙂

[Musicgirl]

Hey Kelalou,

Thanks so much for your reply! I do write in my diary sometimes, its just usually not the first thing I turn to but I wish it was! Maybe I will try extra hard to write things down until my next appointment 🙂 

Today I left my dads place to head back home, as i spent a few days there to chill. But things were just as crap there, just my luck 😕 but the whole train trip home i just felt awful knowing I was heading home. I managed to force myself to eat some crackers so that I had some food in my stomach but for some reason whenever i feel like this I find it really hard to eat, or keep food down.. Just really struggling to not argue with mum so I just go along with her and let her be right about everthing and put the blame on me.

I also feel really guilty for talking about her like this, because she my mum and I love her. But I wish she wasnt like this