Making friends of the opposite gender.

[_-Jack-_]

Im 15 and i have a massive problem, i cant be around girls. I don't know how or why but i just freeze up and look like an idiot when i am around girls. I can make friends with almost any guy i meet, but girls are a completely different story. My group of friends (not bragging or anything) are the popular ones, so they are good friends with almost every girl in our year. So, when I'm hanging out with them and girls get involved it completely ruins it for me because i go from a funny, outgoing, loud person that all the guys love to a socially awkward mess and i sit in a corner away from everyone. This problem is just getting worse, especially now that i will be in year 9 next year. I have had and still do have some female friends, but the only reason is because they have been in my class and over the 12 months i have SLOWLY gotten less awkward around them to the point that they are like one of my guy friends. But if they are not in my class and at a party or out at lunch, i cant approach them, and if i get the courage to approach them (which is rare) i always 100% of the time freeze up and look like a complete moron. Also, the girls at my school kind of ignore me now because I'm such a 'weirdo' in their eyes, yet the blokes think I'm an absolute legend. I think one of the issues for not being able to make friends with girls is the fact that i am obese (I'm short and weigh 85kgs). I just don't have enough self confidence to be around them, and they also do their part in 'not being friends with the fat kid' and its because they would never date me (which i have 100% come to terms with the fact that i will be alone for a long, long time) but you know, I'm not asking them to date me, just be my friend. Anyway what I'm trying to say is they're hot 15 year old chicks and they don't want to be friends with the short fat 'weirdo', yet I'm not really a weird and I'm very popular amongst the blokes (SO CONFUSING!).

So ignoring the fact that they kind of go out of their way to ignore me and focusing on how i freeze up when I'm around them, does anybody have any tips about how to overcome this paralysing fear?

Thanks,

Jack

[Croix]

Dear Jack

I can relate, even though I can give you over half a century. Even back then when I went to school it was exactly the same problem. I went to all boy's school so girls were a completely different universe. School too is a weird artificial place full of the thoughtless and immature, a hard place to live though for at least half of the students.

'Friendships' made in a class are really acquaintances and companions thrown at you by circumstances, not true deep friends. You may if you're lucky get half a dozen real friends throughout a long life - and if you find one in your school days you'd be more fortunate than many. When acquaintances change it is nothing you have done, it is the fact they were not true friends to start with.

Your stature height/weight etc is really irrelevant; friendship with one of either sex - yes girls too - is based on your character, intelligence, kindness, trustworthiness and so on - trust me on this, it's true even if those around you appear to value other things.

I know this does not seem much help at the moment. Your posts show you have the ability to analyze what is happening. Your lack of experience does not allow you to see that all this is temporary, things will change.

Freezing / being unable to deal with the opposite sex - is so common, it happens to nearly half of all adolescents and a whole swag of adults too (females just as much).

I can't offer you a quick fix, I can suggest the path to follow ( I know it will not be an easy one to accomplish)

Firstly really realize deep withing yourself you are a worthy person with something to valuable to offer - which you do, your ability to analyze and your resourcefulness are just a start of the list of positive things about you.

Secondly try to look at the person you are dealing with, not just their physical features - which I know can be quite distracting - but the person behind the face. If they are cruel or heedless in dealing with others leave them strictly alone - they are not what you deserve.

You should be looking for kindness, thoughtfulness, maybe a sense of humor that does not put down others, plus other good things. Such people (of either sex) do not grow on trees, but they are out there in all sort of places waiting to be found, and they will be looking too

You will not succeed down the path the first time, or the second, but with practice you will

Please post when you need to

I wish you all the very best in your quest

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Jack~

Having shared my findings about friendships with you - must seem awfully remote - I'd like to follow up with a real-life example.

When I was around your age (16 actually) I visited a school-acquaintance's home. They had a swimming pool and the group was gathered around, in swimming costumes diving in and seeming to have a good time. In the dining room I noticed a dark-haired girl of around my age by herself standing back looking out the window. I plucked up my courage and went in. I asked her if she was gong to swim. She said no, she didn't feel like it.

Not wanting to stop the conversation I asked her if she couldn't swim. It turned out she was the sister of the acquaintance and really could swim well - not surprising seeing she lived in a house with a pool. She said she didn't feel comfortable out there, I said I didn't either and we talked about tv and other things. We found there was a lot we both liked. She became a friend I could be relaxed around, I used to visit just to see her.

It happens

Croix