lost yet surrounded by opportunities

peach15 · ‎08-12-2015

Hi,

First up, apologies if this is too long. I just need a place to vent.

I'm an international student, currently studying Masters by Research. I'm just 7 months away into submitting my thesis, so i've been thinking about my future career path.

On top of my thesis, I've been fortunate enough to be able to work with the research institute in contract research, as well as tutoring. So i know i'm in no position to complain at all, seeing that i'm surrounded by so many opportunities. But i feel just as lost! My supervisors are keen on me continuing onto PhD. And me too (well, some of me). It's a "love hate" thing with research. I love exploring the data, and finding out the patterns and meaning behind all those numbers. BUT, i hate writing! It's just so hard to write in Academia English! Every time i get a feedback/comment, no matter how big or small, even though it's all in good intention, i somehow take it personally and feel worthless. Like a squished bug! So, i also can't see myself pursuing the academia pathway. As i'm writing for publications, it'll just be wave after wave of disappointments. Before my Masters, while i was doing my Honours, I've been to counselling before (which went well as I got First Class Honours). But reflecting back, i went through so many hurdles just to get my Honours. And now i'm back to square one, again, while getting my Masters. So IF i were to pursue a PhD, i don't think i'll survive. But I can't stay on JUST doing research and/or tutoring, which i'm ok with. I need to be writing a thesis (or any publications) when i'm with the institute, which i hate.

Others have advised me to leave the institute and join the uni as a staff, in organising events and activities for the students. I've already been volunteering and helping them out lots throughout many exciting events, so i sort of know how it all works, besides, I also quite like organising events and all. But part of me somehow don't see a stable future down that path. Besides, i've been working so hard in getting my Masters, i don't want all my efforts to go to waste.

And on top of all of these, I don't feel like I belong to any part of my community, be it my research work place, or with the uni staffs, even though i'm surrounded by friends. I'm constantly thinking of my every action and word, and replaying any past conversation, thinking that i've made a fool out of myself. So it's also been a little difficult to bond with any group at all. So, yeah...

Thanks

peach15 · ‎08-12-2015

apologies again, but to sum it all down:

i can work with the institute: i love data crunching, but i hate writing
or, i can work with the uni: i like organising events, but i don't want all my efforts in studying go to waste
or, i can return back home, work with my parent's company, but i do not want to be a disappointment to them, as they've worked so hard just to fund me to study abroad here.

i did turn to friends and talk it through, but i don't want to be a burden to them. They've already got lots happening in their life, i don't want to be selfish and pour it down on them
(and see how i'm even re-writing my own post, fearing for silly mistakes...)

Guest_1055 · ‎08-12-2015

Hey peach, you have a lot going on there.

I can definitely relate to how you said that you are constantly re playing conversations in your mind. I am the same, in fact I think about it so much, it causes all sorts of troubles for me. I don't even verbally talk much, but when I do I feel just dumb. This situation is mainly in a social setting for me.

Well I just wanted to say hello, and give you a hug. Hope you sort it all out.

With love xxx

Shelley

Lori · ‎08-12-2015

Hi peach15,

Welldone to you for reaching out and venting to us here on the Beyondblue forums!

I would first like to congratulate you on all your studies you have completed so far, that is absolutely brilliant and you are doing a really great job!

I understand it's a love hate situation at the moment, i have had many of these experiences myself but unfortunately it happens with almost everything in life. When receiving feedback, try and not to take it to heart. when reading your feedback keep in the back of your mind that everything that is being said is not written to upset you or make you look bad it is simply written due to helping you improve your work, they are giving you advice on how to make your work even better.

Try your absolute best to not let these thoughts over power you, give it your all in your assignments do what you can and be proud. Just remember to be yourself. You should be proud of how far you have come, don't let your emotions get in the way of your studies. Keep pushing forward and keep you head held high you will achieve great things and have a lot to look forward to.

Goodluck & stay in touch

- Lori 🙂

peach15 · ‎09-12-2015

Hi Lori and Shelley,

First up, thanks for the support. Truth be told, i was planning on venting it out and then just leave it be. But after seeing the support, i actually felt better! Thanks!

Shelly: no kidding. i thought i was the only weird one... i often try to "practice and play it out" for what i'm about to say. But no matter what i say, i instantly prayed for a rewind button! By the end of the day, i would just lie on the bed, replaying all my conversations and actions, thinking of what i should've done instead. and thanks! *hug*

Lori: Thanks! Hence i had the idea of just venting it out and let it be, there are so many people out there who are less fortunate than me, so i have no rights whatsoever to attract attention and get help. And yes i will! So far it's been a challenging journey, but definitely very rewarding! guess i just gotta keep my head up, and "just keep swimming... just keep swimming..."

Guest_1055 · ‎10-12-2015

Hey peach,

I am not sure if you will come back to beyond blue, but in case you do, I wanted to let you know you helped me to smile today.

Why?

Your comment just" keep swimming... just keep swimming",......well I say a very similar thing.

When I am walking for exercise. I say "Just keep walking...... Just keep walking", for motivation purposes. I think I got the idea from that movie "Finding Nemo", where their is a little fish, called Dory who says.... what you said. Hope that makes sense. Well thanks anyway again for bringing a smile to my face. Hope everything is working out for you.

With hugs

Shelley

Lori · ‎10-12-2015

peach15,

Just because others might be less fortunate than you it does not diminish the importance of yourself and your well being you are just as important as everyone else. Everyone deserves the help they need to succeed and move on in life it's all about finding what/who helps most and what works for you!! Also - Don't ever think your attention seeking your not, you are reaching out for help and that is one of the hardest things a person can do so good one you!!

Exactly!!!! Keep swimming 🙂 🙂 🙂

- Lori

peach15 · ‎12-12-2015

Shelley, that's exactly where i got the quote, it's from Finding Nemo. (and i can't wait for Finding Dory!!!)

Lori, yeah, guess so... But part of me somehow still thinks that i should be able to handle everything by myself, especially since i'm being able to be independent after arriving Adelaide.

Lori · ‎14-12-2015

I'm the same i like to be independent and think i can handle it all by myself but i have found it doesn't hurt to have that extra help 🙂 But do what makes you happy and what helps and works for you 🙂

- Lori

Guest_1055 · ‎14-12-2015

Hey Peach

Yes I really want to watch "Finding Dory" as well.!!!

Hugs to you

Shelley xxx