Lost my Dad to cancer, broke things off with the guy I was seeing. Help please.

ElizabethAnne · ‎21-07-2015

Hi guys, I'm a 19 year old girl from Perth. I'm not going to go into grief or what I'm going through at the moment (suddenly loosing my Dad to Melanoma in March.) This thread was more about relationships. I have never had a boyfriend, because I've always been so picky my whole life, and never felt anyone was 'right' for me. And not to say I've never had the opportunities, I just never felt right pursuing them. Anyway, in November last year I met this guy, we started seeing each other regularly just hanging out. And we both felt like we had known each other for years. We were both insanely attracted to each other, and there was profound chemistry between us. Into about 2 weeks of hanging out I figured I should tell him what a big part of my life was at the time, which was being my Dads full time carer, as he has cancer and my parents aren't together. I felt so comforted by him. He was so affectionate. He suddenly became the highlight of my week when I was constantly going through so much pain, month by month, watching my Dads health decrease. He soon started sleeping at my house, became really friendly with my Mum and sister (who I live with).Met my close friends, my cousin, both my Grandmas. Two months in he told me he isn't ready for an official boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, and he doesn't believe in titles. It was a red flag to me but I needed him, and convinced myself that later down the track he might change his mind. Dad passed away four months into knowing him. He still stuck by me. And we got closer and closer. He has seen me at my worst. It became really disheartening getting more emotionally attached to this guy without knowing what we were. I had never been to his house. Never met his family, yet they all knew about me, and wondered why they hadn't met me.

And he knew it was getting harder for me to introduce him as a 'friend'. Going on six months, I did the hardest thing I've had to do and tell him I couldn't go on like this.

Why was he so afraid of committing? He has never been in a relationship either.He kept telling me he wishes he had met me in 4 years, when he was 25 and finished Uni so that then he could marry me. And that 'you meant more to me than you knew, but that's only because I didn't tell you.'

Please shed some of your perspective on the situation. I miss him so much. It's been 2 months. I couldn't just be friends with him it's too hard. I want him back so bad but it's not fair to me feeling like it can't go anywhere.

romantic_thi3f · ‎21-07-2015

Hi ElizabethAnne,

Thanks for reaching out to BB.

I'm really sorry that you lost your Dad to cancer and it sounds like you've had a pretty rough time of it all.

I know that you said the post was about your relationship with this guy but it sounds like you guys really bonded and got closer over the tough times that you had with your Dad. He must have been a pretty important part of your life and so I think that it's really good that you were able to get some support and that he was able to help 'lift you up' so to speak when the weeks were not so great.

You asked why this guy is afraid of commitment but I'm afraid I can't answer that one. Unfortunately I don't have the answers to that; as much as I wish it did because it would make life so much easier sometimes! Even though I don't know why he didn't want the 'titles', I can see that he was honest with you from the start. I think that in itself is pretty huge being able to own up and admit where you are at. I can see that he really likes you because he talked about marrying you too.

If you are still interested in getting to the bottom of things or seeing if you can work it out, I'd suggest trying to chat to him a bit more. What's the difference (for him) between being what you are and being girlfriend/boyfriend? I think that's honestly the only way that you'll know. and then from there you can either try and work things out or get a little bit more closure.

But then if you've had all those conversations and can't seem to get anywhere that's okay too. It just means that right now, it is what it is. It might turn into something later, but either way - you're still awesome enough and brave enough to hold your head up high and look after yourself.

Take care 🙂

PatT · ‎22-07-2015

Hey ElizabethAnne,

I kind of went through a similar situation last year when I became really close with a girl I had met in Europe in 2013. We spoke every day and she decided to come to Sydney in 2014. She came when I was in the midst of dealing with a lot of my own mental stuff and a long term drug addiction, she didn't want to put a label on it (despite the whole idea of it I'd built up in my head) and we eventually broke up (my decision). I completely empathise with how hard it can be to not have any concrete in a relationship, how strange it is when the other party is reluctant to let things move forward and how hard it feels after.

It sounds as though he was a good guy but he may have felt a bit overwhelmed with everything himself. In these scenarios I've found that it's almost impossible to have that person around, or else we are constantly reminding ourselves of them and desperately searching for "what ifs". I think you've done the right thing by cutting him off and unfortunately there is no definitive point in time when you will just stop thinking of him. It will come gradually and occasionally you'll notice a day where you think "hey I didn't think about so and so today".

Don't beat yourself up over what happened. Unfortunately at our age, emotions are so mixed and confusing that heaps of us don't know what we want or how to properly deal with it. He probably just wasn't ready for a commitment in a time where you really felt you needed something solid. Chin up, you've made the best decision for yourself, give it a little more time.

All the best,

Pat.

kelalou · ‎23-07-2015

Hey ElizabethAnne,

Thank you for bravely sharing your story on BB... I'm really sorry to hear about your Dad passing away. You sound like an exceptional young lady being his Carer and supporting him! You should be really proud of how strong you are.

I'm also sorry things didn't work out with this guy. It sounds like you guys had something pretty exceptional, but, at the end of the day unfortunately you wanted different things and that's really, really hard as it has sent you in opposite directions.

I agree with romantic_thi3f, in that maybe if you guys were to sit down and talk it out it would give you both a better understanding of what each of you do and don't want. BUT, that being said, perhaps it is not the right time, as you have already gone through so much, and maybe some time apart will help you both to learn and grow. At the end of the day, he was being a fantastic boyfriend and friend in supporting you, and even though you miss him, I hope you have some other great friends you can rely on and chat to and stay close with this year.

When I got out of a four year relationship it was hard not to think about the person a lot. We had our ups and downs (he was having an especially rough time) but we were no longer right for each other and we needed to give each other some space. But we stayed friends, and I am grateful for that. I hope you guys can stay in touch and be friends eventually too. For the mean time, I hope you can enjoy your time with your friends and have a really good think about what you want from a relationship with someone! You deserve to be with someone who respects your wishes for a more formal relationship too, if thats what you want! 🙂

Good luck!

ElizabethAnne · ‎25-07-2015

Thank you Pat,

It's so hard! Whenever the 'where is this going' question would come up...I kind of felt like I was asking too much and nagging or putting too much pressure on him, and saying things like "I know you want a boyfriend"...when the fact is, I didn't ever want a boyfriend! Its just the place we had gotten to between each other, our dynamic and relationship..that's exactly what he was to me and it was disheartening that he was for some reason, against the whole idea. I was never 'on the hunt' for a boyfriend. I just wish things could've been different ...but you can nver change anyone, so I had to leave. I'm hoping one day there will be a time and place where things will work out, even stronger and more 'concrete', then before. Until then...we will aways hold a special place in each others hearts I think.

shad0wings · ‎25-07-2015

Hi there ElizabethAnne!

I am sincerely sorry about your dad's passing, I have also lost one of my close family members to cancer. Kudos to you for being so strong, I cannot imagine what it must have been like...

This boy you were seeing sounds like, as you say, not ready for any commitment. Many boys around your age are not mature enough to be relationship material. He really should have told you what he was thinking sooner, that was pretty selfish on his part. Especially since he built a relationship with most of your family members, i'm guessing he got scared of how serious your relationship was getting and is too afraid of committing. Unfortunately this is not uncommon, young boys are always afraid of being 'exclusive' to one person for some reason. The exact same thing has happened to me, and it sure hurt because i cared for him so much, but I had to move on because I knew that would always be in the back of his mind.

Some boys just aren't ready, my advice would be to move on as best you can... I can't see him changing his mind soon. I understand that you miss him, but im guessing that he wanted to tell you he wasn't ready for commitment beforehand, but he wanted to be there for you during your hard times as well.

I know it hurts a lot to let go of a person you were so close to for a while, it might not seem like it but you will find another that will be ready for commitment, that will walk into your life when you least expect it!

Be as strong as you can, you sound like you have a great family for love and support 🙂

Best of luck!!!!!!

Felicity308 · ‎02-08-2015

Hi ElizabethAnne,

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this after the loss of your father and I hope you are proud of how strong you clearly are.

I don't really believe in 'the one' but I was certain I met him a few years ago while I was traveling and he seemed to feel the same. I was devastated when I had to go home and he couldn't commit to anything more then friends. So I know exactly how you feel when you say you can't be friends with him because I couldn't either. I honestly thought I would never meet anyone else that I connected with like that. It took a while but I did and I know it doesn't seem like it now but you will meet someone else.

This guy obviously really cares for you but just has to mature a bit before he can handle a relationship. I think you were really brave to end it when you did and it was the right thing to do.

I hope you can feel a bit comforted by the fact that he's probably missing you just as much but knows that it's not right to try to come back into your life unless he can commit.

I really do hope you feel better soon.

Felicity