Lost and Unmotivated

Nikki_gx · ‎19-01-2017

I'm new here, not really sure where to start, I'm not normally comfortable talking about it, because I feel like maybe I'm over -reacting or being ungrateful. I had depression for a number years, and finally I was nearly a year free from it, things were looking up, I made reasonable plans, and back up plans of back up plans just in case. My mother, the only person I could ever turn to no matter what, out of no where has turned against me. She's in a toxic and abusive relationship, we had planned to both leave together and start a new life back home (overseas) with family, and I could study design communication at the university of my dreams (one I should add I've being working towards for two years now). But now the same old cycle has started again. His words have become hers, we're constantly controlled, and I'm tired of being the adult living with bitter people. Today I was told that I would go to university to study a degree of their choice (one I'm paying for) or that I should just leave, and that they would give me a bad reference if I tried to find a new job (I work at a family cafe). I 'm constantly told hurtful things on a daily basis, I feel so numb, alone and isolated. I hate living in fear of the next day and it's not like I have anywhere to go. I'm tired of trying to be someone I'm not, and feel like no one listens. I'm creative, dyslexic and dysgraphic - and I can't deal with believing that these are negative attributes, like I've being told. I'm not lazy, I just don't want to start Uni till July, and work for a bit until I can figure things out ( we were supposed to be leaving in July). Now she's pretending like I'm the horrible person, and that I imagined all of our plans and conversations. I just want to make someone proud for once, but it doesn't matter what I do seemingly, I haven't spoken to my brother in years, and I feel like my father is making me live up to an unattainable standard. I don't fit in anywhere, and the education system wasn't all that kind to me, so teaching, math or business certainly isn't what I want to study. I don't understand why every time I fall for it, and trust someone, because I always get hurt. I need advice, please, I don't know what to do anymore, I can't escape.

BballJ · ‎19-01-2017

Hi Nikki_gx,

Firstly, welcome to the forums. This is a great place you have turned to, we all have our own story and glad you were open enough to share yours.

Sorry about everything you are facing, it seems everything around you is going against you. Are there any options to move out and maybe go with your father, or is that just another place that you won't be at peace? I get that he has high standards for you, but normally that is because they care about you and want you to do well. Have you thought about reaching out to your brother as well? You just never know and he may want to help you too.

Another thing is do you have a good friend or group of friends you can turn to and lean on in this time for support? These forums are great for support and we will talk as much as we can to help you but it's also good having that connection with a good friend.

Other thing I would suggest is maybe seeing a psychologist to get stuff further off your mind and work through that depression, if you haven't already?

Keep posting as much as you like and we will respond as well.

My best for you,

Jay

Nikki_gx · ‎20-01-2017

Thanks for your support Jay, that means a lot to me. It lifts a big weight off my chest to know that I can talk here. Unfortunately I don't speak to brother because like the cycle, he became just like my dad, sorry I should have been more clear , it's my dad who my mother is with, who she has tried to leave before in the past unsuccessfully. I am on antidepressants, but I don't feel like they're doing anything these days, just making me tired, I don't know if this is normal?

james1 · ‎20-01-2017

Hi Nikki,

I'm sorry to hear about all the things you are struggling with at the moment. I also find these forums lovely because you can talk without fear of judgement.

About the anti-depressants, how long have you been taking them for? The drowsiness can be a side effect and depending on the type of AD, it can take a few weeks to really take effect. Have you discussed this with your doctor?

James

BballJ · ‎24-01-2017

Hi Nikki_gx,

I think meds react different to everybody so what is making you tired could be doing the opposite for someone else, have you been back to your GP to discuss your meds, and have you ever been on any that have worked for you?

Sorry for the delay in posting back, I haven't been on BB as much as I would of liked, how have you been the last few days?

My best,

Jay

Jazzy94 · ‎26-01-2017

I daw the title of this thread. 'Lost and unmotivated' yhis struck a cord with me. I am 22 and while i have made a good start of my post highschool life, i am constantly put down by myself. I feel like i need to talk to someone but i just cant with my family or frie ds, not on a serious note anyway.

I just get overwhelmed like omg i need to advance past my PCA level cause soon ill be out of my parents house, having a family or a mortgage n im just ... so unprepared for that level of responsibility. And then i feel guilty because their are so many who are worse off than me and i just canr get my shift together.

I keep myself up at night most of the time just... stressing.

I am.lost and i am unmotivated but i am hoping being here on the beyond blue forums can just ... help push me to coping in a healthy way.