Losing yourself after losing someone else

[Prufrock]

I think that I have figured out why I have responded to the death of my Gran in such a dramatic and frightening way. When I love someone I really love them; I give a part of myself through that love. I think that one of the hardest parts about losing Gran is that I have lost that part of myself as well as her. I feel like I've lost my childhood and my innocence. I used to see a magic in the world, especially when I was with her. Now everything seems to scare me. I'm scared that I've lost some of that goodness and light. Grief is a strange and complicated thing, it's changed me. I'm yet to see how it has changed for the better but I live in hope! I just miss her. All the time. I see the change in my family too, we are all hurting. I wish I could help but I can't seem to understand myself let alone someone else. This anxiety sucks, but I'm winning the fight against it. At least I know that's what I'm fighting. But it's like a battle between the anxiety and grief or a combination that I go through during the day. If I'm not scared of dying, I'm sad about Gran dying. We just finished cleaning out her house today. I have all these books and pictures and I bounce between hating and treasuring them. I know this crap time will pass but I don't think the grief ever will. Maybe I'll see the magic again, but never like before. And that is a horrible truth to face. 

[Jacko777]

Oh Prufrock, so sorry to hear how you are feeling. Love to you xx

It took me so long to get over the loss of my mum. I know you must be hurting so much. For me grief came in waves and I could only make sure I was in a place where I could let it flow. In between the waves we can only try and bring our mind around to the positive, with practice we can have less negative sad moments.

It took a while but eventually I decided that I wasn't honouring my mum by thinking of her with sadness all the time, I decided that I could love her instead of miss her. If she is looking down from above she would hate it if I was sad because of her loss, she would want me to be happy. I believe that if I give love to Nature I will be giving love to mum, that's where her energy is now. I try to be thankful for the time we did have and the care and love she gave me and I honour her by being the best person I can be.

There is a part of your Gran in your heart, forever, nurture it, you are the magic now and you know what Gran would do with that magic, you can do it too and you need to, on behalf of Gran. Perhaps you could make times to think of Gran in different ways, of course you will be sad for her loss but make some times to be thankful that she was a beautiful part of your life. Love and light to you. x

Jack