Losing my identity

[Nagata]

I was a good student, top of class, top of school. Was a pride of my friend, of my family. Was looked up to by my sister and brother. Things just got so easy for me as even with just 80% effort spent, I could always easily reached 120% target. I believe in karma, I was humble. I never think ill of anyone and always wished I could spend my life contributing more to the world.

And when i was so close to the top, things fall apart from me. I to this day don't believe it was my fault. But i got betrayed by my teacher, and by the system that I thought was in place to protect me. My friend was supportive, but powerless and eventually have their own thing to worry about. I fell into the first depression. The first counselor I met immediately tried to push me out of the door. Student supports were just cheerleaders, and legal advice were just there to make money.

So I dropped out, and turned to my family for support. They are also very supportive, and at first I thought it was just a stop gap thing. I thought I can enroll anywhere I want (to continue my study), even apply to Harvard if I can put my 100% behind. But I wait, and wait and wait. 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, a year. My past school record and lack of referee became a choking point that I stuck on. And so i continue to wait and wait till this day. Jobless, stay up on night feeding on whatever entertainment media I could land on. Waiting for a study offer that apparently will never come.

That's how I lost everything I once identified myself with. I turned anti-social and tried to avoid my friend till I can get some good news for them, but already months passed. I used to be a proud son for my parents , but despite supportive words inside, now they barely could mention my name to neighbor. My brother treated me with baby gloves, and my sister who once looked up on me like I am a genius, now think of me as a helpless nuisance. I now also have total distrust against the world, and can't stop myself having racists thought against those wronged me.

I don't know who I am anymore. Sometime I thought of myself as an impostor of the one I used to be. Maybe the sin of pride is dooming me, but if I get rid of it, I don't know what else will remain.

[TheSteve]

Nagata,

Thank you for sharing your story. I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. You are obviously a very intelligent, motivated, ultra-high achiever, as well as humble - all great qualities. But all great qualities can be a double-edged sword when things turn against us if we believe, deeply, that those qualities "are" us. We fully and wholly identify with them. That without these qualities manifesting in the world in the way "we" expect them to, that our existence is not of value.

This is false, and a very common trap our mind (and pride, ego, expectations) can lead us into. We are but miniscule components of a vast universe, where 99.9999999% of events are outside of our control. What little we can control, is even sometimes an illusion.

I am not far from knowing exactly how you feel. Last year, I lost more potential income than most people will make in 10 years. My fault? Not at all. A bad turn of events? Yes. Other people to blame? Yes. I look at this now and while still slightly bitter that this happened, I am also happy. Happy, because had this happened 12 years ago, it would have crushed me emotionally.

Because of dis-identifying with success, money, pride etc. 12 years ago, this is a hit that is no longer fatal. It just hurts, but all pains heal.

Now, I can withstand the hit. I can get back out of bed, and go back at it. Not getting stuck in my head or wallowing in my own pity. Not expecting that the opportunity will or will not come along again. Just that it happened, it was out of my control, there was nothing I can do about it - and such is my path.

Perhaps, this is your hit? This is your signal. The strengths and talents that have taken you this far, are no longer enough. Emotional and spiritual maturity may be what is necessary, in addition to your talents, to fulfill your destiny. How else, but through adversity and massive change, are you to attain these permanent character alterations? How does the caterpillar become the butterfly? Transformation.

Although we like to live up to our own and others' expectations, this is not realistic. We must play the hand we are dealt. Sometimes, we must be broken down to be rebuilt.

Go and get a copy of The Power of Now. Go and see a counselor or therapist; rebuild your body starting with diet and exercise, get off the entertainment media and let your mind rest. Change starts now.

We are here for you, whatever you need. Al the best.

Steve

[Nagata]

Thank Steve for your kind words.

The truth is I do know that I have to change. The problem is as I have been spending all this time living to society expectations, and to achieve some concrete/ relatively-short term goals. Now I don't even know where to start. It's like I have been climbing a endless stair all this time, and suddenly the stair broke and I fell into a flat surface where I don't know which way to go next. All my life I told myself that I have to go up, but now it's all sideways as far as eyes can see.

I almost don't feel like I deserve to eat good foods, or go out spending money because I will be a burden. I can't commit myself to relationship, or to job because my short-term future is so uncertain. Sometime I try to exercise or study, but it was all just out of frustration, because I no longer having any goal to reach to.

For now, I will try to take your advice and read the book "The Power of Now" first (many thanks for that suggestion). Hopefully it is a good starting point for me.

[TheSteve]

Good to hear from you Nagata. It is very positive that you have the conscious awareness of the need to change. That is the first step, really. The feelings you express (don't deserve to eat well, spend money, no goals etc.) derive from habits of thought (both sub-conscious and conscious), from expectations, which are currently leading you down this path. The thoughts are manifesting in the feelings, and your feelings (which feel like you, your reality) are dictating your behaviours. This is a cycle, which can be unwound with conscious effort and time.

Pick up the book, another great idea. Also, study the term "mindfulness" and take a few steps down this path. You are intelligent, you will understand why and how this will be of immense help to you.

All the best.

Steve

[Nagata]

Thank Steve

I have started to look for some mindfulness exercise, but so far it was still too early to see the results, so I will continue with it for a while.

I have also picked up the book, and unfortunately I could not fully "get" it. I read chapter 1, I skimmed through other chapters. I could understand the sentences, the paragraphs, the talking points, what they tried to say. But I don't fully get it. Maybe it's simply because I am better learning from example and other people story? But i have a feeling that even if I memorise every word from the book, I will still can't really apply it to myself.

In the past few days, thank for our conversation, all of these suggestions you made, and my own readings and many thoughts, my mindset seemed to flip a bit. I no longer feel depressed over how I "lost" my self-identified identity anymore. Now I felt like I just removed it myself (for better or for worse). How do I put it, it's like... my self-identified identity is the grasses planting op top of myself, and instead of seeing it being trimmed by other people mower, I could now carefully plugged them off with roots and everything. Maybe so I can plant it back if I choose to, and at the same time feeling the positivity of having more control over it.

The problem is, it feels like I am empty, or to put it positively, feel like a blank space at this moment. I know it's a turning point for me, but it's a turning point in 3 dimensions and I don't know which way it gonna go. I used to joke with my friend about how if I would turn to be a ruthless dictator in the future (as in someone who is very opposed to my nature), it would probably due to this moment. Right at this moment, I really believe it could happen.

Should I go looking and reading other people bibliography, just so I can decide on myself what kind of person I want to become? Or would it be another mistake?