Lonely reality for a 20 year old

[ProDude]

I am a 20 year old law student who works part-time as a bartender, and I have been experiencing persistent feelings of loneliness.

I am single, but my loneliness is not stemming from lacking a partner. No, its stemming from a lack of meaningful friendships with other people (especially guys my age). As a uni student who is also working, life can be pretty busy, and finding time for a social life is difficult. Looking at the people I do associate with though, it leaves something to be desired. I have tons of acquaintances at uni who I work together in the same unit and assignments - but outside of that we have nothing to solidify a friendship, and once the unit finishes, so does our connection. Similar situation with work, except colleagues are not interested in having any further interaction (and fair enough too I suppose).

Apart from the acquaintances, I do have 'closer' friends from either high school or uni that have a bit more substance. Problem is that the interest is really disappearing. I try to make plans to catch up with them and they seem keen initially and we set a date, then the night before or on the day they cancel with excuses that just become flimsier as time goes by. It's also almost a miracle for someone to ever want to make plans with me. Oh well, I guess their lives are busy too and they're moving on to new friends (something I wish I had more success in).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm running out of friends, have so little time to myself as it is, and I feel like I have no prospects to make new, meaningful friendships. I think part of the problem also relates to Facebook in a way. I feel like many people my age are too obsessed with their image and this superficial idea of friendship (number of friends, likes etc) they have forgotten how to have, and maintain a sustainable friendship. To have some investment in it, and to have mutual respect and support. I try to be the best friend I can be, but it just feels like I'm the only one who is even making an effort.

Sorry if this seem a bit muddled up, but I would definitely appreciate any advice 🙂

[geoff]

hello ProDude, it does become very lonely when you know that you don't have any real friends to associate with, sure they may pretend to be, but when the time comes and you ask them for assistance or advice they aren't there to support you, which is so disappointing so you feel as though you have been let down, well unfortunately you have,because they're the first people to ask you for help but it's never reciprocated.
It's true that people on facebook only want to see how many people 'have made friends with them', although you can have the one or two honest people but they could be interstate so any intercation is miminal.
When you're at school you have friends you see every day, and when you finish school you always say to eachother that you will keep in contact, that doesn't happen as you both go your own ways and disappear.
You're only 20 years old, and for me that's a long time ago, but your job and your uni studies will take you into different directions until finally you are able to settle down, marry have children and along the way people you know will come and go forming many acquaintances and possibly friendship, but true friendship will begin when you have settled down, where your partner/spouse makes friends, your kids (if any) will form mates at school and then the parents/partners begin to associate.
You may well do the complete opposite to what I've just said, but don't feel as though there is nobody out there to be friends with. Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear ProDude~

I can hear exactly what you are saying, and so will a lot of people here. There are of course allsorts in the world, and some are quite happy with a number of acquaintances, get what they need from the relationships and look no further.

Facebook gives me the shudders at times, with many people tempted to display a Kardashian lifestyle, not showing what goes on 'behind the camera'. So I guess you are quite right in what you say.

I have a feeling that you are one of the ones that takes friendship and relationship more seriously, looking for deeper than acquaintances provide. This is not a lack on your part, quite the reverse, it means you are able to take part in real friendships, where caring, constancy and honesty are needed.

I've had umpteen 'acquaintances'. They are necessary, can be amusing, or frustrating, and are part of normal life. You have described similar in your post (schoolmates, workmates and so on). I've also had a few 'friends'. The operative words here are 'a few'. Two partners and maybe 4 friends over a long life.

Sometimes it is impossible to recognize who are friends and who are acquaintances until adversity strikes. Those that have not abandoned ship are the friends.

So what am I saying? Like Geoff I think you are just starting life (isn't it horrible when older people say that 🙂 and are worrying because you have not formed relationships with like people.

Please continue just as you are, with the same values. In order to make disappointment happen less often and be able to cope try to look at people, see them as they are -mind you takes a lifetime to do that:)

You sound very sensible and have made good decisions on your education. Loneliness, though unpleasant, will help you appreciate true friendship more when (not if) it comes.

Croix

[startingnew]

HI produde

im also 20 as well and get what your saying about friendships.

i work as well as study and have alot of commitments but i dont have any friends either. it does get very loneley from not having friends to just talk to and hang around with esp people our own age.

i get the FB thing with the everyone besing obsessed with likes and things as well, im not a big fan of it and only pop on there every now and then but i have fmily on there so i havent deleted

[james1]

Hey ProDude,

Wow, you've said so much that I remember from not that long ago. I'm just recently 25 now and my sister's 18 (just started uni this year), so I feel like I know how you feel when you say you just have little in connection with many of your current friends.

When I started uni (doing economics and arts) I actually really tried to make friends outside of my high school circle. I even went to the effort of finding out which classes they were doing and NOT doing those ones. But my experience was pretty similar to yours and it backfired pretty spectacularly, so I instead just felt really lonely from not having any real connection.

So I did just want to send some gentle reassurance that this is totally normal, though definitely really tough. Coming from high school where you had friends you'd see all the time, to friends who you sit next to in one tutorial then possibly not again, ever, is pretty rough.

I noticed you didn't mention anything about uni societies. It can be pretty hard to fit in with your schedule, especially if you're working, but they're often a good way to get to know people a little bit better than in class. Have you checked out the societies for hobbies that you might consider picking up?

From what you've said, you sound like you're not actually worried about the number of friends. Well, the good news is that the real friends you make in uni tend to be the real ones that you stick by for a good while. And this is just because you must really connect to stay close, so it's actually quite easy once you find the right people.

After my 3 years at uni, with 25 (1 extra) subjects, 4 societies and 3 uni programs, I finished up with just...6 new friends who I still keep in contact with now. But to be honest, I'm really close with these people, and I wouldn't give them up for even x10 the number of acquaintances. So I'd say the people are there, and it's just a game of numbers really. Meet enough people through subjects and societies and other programs, and you'll inevitably meet a few here and there who are real keepers 🙂

James