Lonely, Anxious, Bitter and Tired

[bandaid]

If I could just knock one of those words off the title, I would be over the moon, but I'm just too mentally exhausted to make much of an effort on any of them.

I'm 24, smart, attractive I guess, wobbly but not overweight. Funny. Loving. Have a good, stable job. Independent. Great family who help me whenever I need it. Yet, despite all these things going for me, I just can't form relationships. Friends or romantically. Yay anxiety.

I've always been someone who keeps fewer friends. I used to have this awesome foursome group happening for years, until one moved overseas, one got his first girlfriend ever, and the other got married. There are no group hangs any more, I don't have any one to go camping with, I spend the week leading up to long weekends having panic attacks because I know I'm going to spend the weekend seeing everyone with their friends and I'll be sitting at home. My birthday terrifies me and I spent the last two overseas partying with strangers because I was terrified no one would turn up to mine. I don't have the money to go overseas this year and it's my birthday in 7 weeks, uh oh. I have met so many people in this time, but I automatically think they hate me. I get invited to things, but I get too anxious and bail. I actually do have a group of friends, but I think they hate me, so I don't know how that works. 

As for relationships.. I was great... Up until my relationship when I was 19 with a douchecanoe. It left me anxiety-ridden, and unable to get close to anyone for a solid 3 years after. There were a few people I dated which was okay, but I didn't really let my feelings kick in. Last year though.. met a guy. Went well for 6 weeks, then bam. Horrible anxiety. To his credit, he dealt with it for several months after but we called it quits because he already had a kid and a divorce and I didn't want him to deal with my crap as well. Happened again with the next dude. Now I'm too bitter about both relationships that I can't get over them. And one of them is in the same friendship group. So now my relationship and friendship anxieties are in the one place. 

I have no idea why I'm doing this to myself. It's completely irrational. I'm anxious about pushing people away so I push people away so I don't get anxious. How does one even get themselves into that stupid cycle? I feel worthless, underrated, bitter and lots of angry, and tonight I just want a damn hug and it looks like it'll be my dog because I have no one to call up and cry to. 

[BenD]

Hey bicciesmurf,

First of all, its good to hear that you can talk about yourself in a positive light, at least in some aspects. That's really healthy, and I'm somewhat envious.

It seems (at least to me) that as we get older we become more independent and drift apart from some of our friends. I don't think this is either a good or a bad thing, it's just how things happen as we mature.

The group of friends you have at the moment, why would you think that they hate you? It doesn't really follow from smart, funny, loving, attractive, independent...? As you said, you get invited to things so you must be someone worth getting to know.

On relationships, its pretty difficult with anxiety but for me at least what works is being open about it. If they understand, then they are a worth your time and effort, if they don't - give them a chance and if they refuse to understand then let them go. They are not worth your time, they are douchecanoe's as you eloquently put it 🙂 A lot of the time, it's not you, its them (as glaringly cliche as that sounds).

Sometimes its okay to be completely irrational as well. We are not machines, we are humans. It's in our nature to be irrational and I think we would go completely insane otherwise. On the other hand, if it's an ongoing theme affecting your life then there are things that you can do about it. Have you visited a counselor or spoken about these feelings with your family?

Ben

[PatT]

Hey Bicciesmurf,

First off, douchecanoe is great, I'm going to use that. Second, I can completely empathise with how much of a dent chronic anxiety can put on relationships with friends and partners. I've been in three serious relationships (I'm the same age as you) and the first two have been mauled to death by my anxiety/depression. We end up importing our previous experiences into the next relationship, kind of like a self-destruct tendency that leaves us just more bitter about even trying again.

And for your friendship group, it really sucks that you're feeling that way. I've always been paranoid that my friends are sick of me and my worries and I find it hard to socialise with even the best of my friends. In my head it's kind of like they're all against me. But time and time again I've been wrong. I get invited to things and when I turn up I'm always welcomed and it's never anywhere as bad as I expect.

It sounds like you're catastrophising a bit. It's pretty common for people with anxiety - everything is worse than it is, we predict the worst outcome and with that mentality we evade social interaction which ironically makes us long for it. 

I know it's pretty hard but try forcing yourself to go out. The worst thing we can do is isolate. I couldn't count the number of hours I've spent staying in instead of doing something with other people. You've obviously identified a bunch of wonderful traits you have and I'm willing to bet that what you perceive is just in your head. Don't be too stressed about having a smaller friendship circle either. I see about 20% of the friends I would've seen when I was 18 or 19 but that's life. People break away, do their own thing, form relationships, find new friendship circles and move on. It sucks but it's a natural progression.

If you don't feel comfortable with your current group, branch out. I've found some of my best mates since I stopped hanging out exclusively with high school friends. I train in powerlifting and go out with people from my gym, I attend a few Narcotics Anonymous meetings during the week due to a prior drug addiction and have met so many quality people there. There are no shortage of avenues to find new people to hang out with.

And finally, try talking to someone about this. Book in with your GP, think about speaking to a psych or counsellor and get those problems out of your own head and get some help from someone who knows best.

All the best,

Pat.

[pockets4health]

Hey bicciesmurf

 Why is it that you think everyone hates you? I think this assumption is what is causing you to push people away. Are you maybe afraid that they do like you? Believe that you are enough, that you are worth being friends with. I think when you're in your late teens/early twenties there are a lot of changes happening. Not just in your life but everyone's. All of a sudden we all just become busy and it can sometimes feel like we have no friends but I think you'll find that if you really truly needed someone - more people would come to your aid than you thought. 

Having anxiety about going to social events is hard, you want to feel like you belong and it can be very daunting seeing people you haven't seen in a while in that group setting. Could you maybe change the dynamic to suit your needs? - invite a few of them to brunch and that way it's more intimate and less intimidating. 

The anxiety that you're having is so familiar to me and I know what it's like to get into this love/hate cycle with yourself and your friends but I think you have to realise that it's ok to be vulnerable. Let people see who you really are and if it doesn't work out know that you're better off for it because you are worth knowing. Your friends will understand and be able to help you but you have to be honest with them and with yourself. 

As for relationships, I really believe that to have a healthy relationship you really need to resolve the issues you already have from previous ones otherwise you just end up bringing all the hurt and anxiety from the previous relationship to the new one. After i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety I had a lot of flings, met a lot of people but nothing stuck and I was in this constant up and down of heartbreak warfare. I realised a year or so later that the reason for that was because I simply wasn't ready. I spent all this time trying to be someone i wasn't because I thought that no-one would like the real me. I got help for my issues and spent a year forgiving myself, accepting my flaws and owning them. It's true what they say, you find someone when you stop looking.

Unfortunately you are one of many people like myself that suffer from anxiety but because of that you have something that is hard to find - the ability to be compassionate and an understanding that we are all facing something. Focus on yourself and what you need, everything else will fall into place. 

*HUG*

V