Hey again
Firstly, your experience at uni. I feel EXACTLY the same. Im nearly finished my degree and the romanticised version of university that i had when i came here is just as mythological. I had dreams of finding a career and finding a path by which to navigate that career into a job which would turn into happiness. I had dreams of finding a girlfriend here who loved the same things i did and matched my personality in the best way. This has not been the case, all the while i have lost friends from younger childhood whom i thought would be around for life. Two good friends i had in younger childhood met at my 21st and have since pretty much forgot i exist. I actually really dislike them and what they've become. I feel like i made that whole thing happen by comforming to having a 21st... most people from that i dont even speak to.
My old school friends have their squads, like you have said yours do too. I tried to mix in with them but it wasnt so. Too many differences.
Wondering why im the way i am wont change it though. I have a good upbringing and have had chance after chance. Mental illness isnt conducive to one's upbringing or race or wealth or gender. Uni has proven to me that many want to make it this way... mental illness IS political to many at uni. A place youd think people would understand. By and large though there is an acceptance. Just not a corresponding action upon that acceptance.
So.... where to from here,?
I honestly have no idea. But one thing i have learned in my 4 years of dealing with mental illness is that its bad enough on its own. That is simply the only baggage i need to carry with me each day. Anything else i cut free.
Im lucky enough that i have maybe 2 or 3 close friends. They gett on my nerves as well but i believe this is a neccesary thing when you are close to people.
I have reduced my study load to part time, meaning i now have to tell people that i changed my mind. Such a thing scares me but now i simply dont care. Why am i answerable to them?
My point in summary is rather simple but its an important one and its hard to execute.
Embrace the fact that you have a mental illness. Once you do this it becomes a little bit easier. We are answerable to ourselves and it seems as if this puts people off which is why they turn to religion, groups of people and the like. I can see change on my horizon by making small changes now. Forget the past for it is done. Forget the future for it hasnt happened yet.
