Loneliness and fear of social situations

[manchala]

I know it may not sound like the biggest deal, but over time things keep piling up and the frustration has started to kick in.

I never leave the house, I haven't gone out in months, and even if I get the opportunity to do so, the fearful thoughts hold me back so I end up staying at home. Fear of humiliation, fear of being seen alone in public which makes me pretty insecure, fear that I'm going to mess up an interaction etc. The few times that I've been out, even if it's just going shopping by myself I come back feeling really emotionally drained. I love the idea of going out and being around people, it's just very mentally exhausting for me hence why I decide to stay at home.

My friends try to make plans sometimes but they tend to hang around boys a lot which I'm not comfortable with, so I've stopped going out with them too. I try to make my own plans but people just end up backing out and they fail. If I do plan to actually go out, it's a big deal and takes weeks of mental preparation which is why it hurts when people cancel plans with me so easily. My parents are also more strict so going anywhere takes a lot of convincing which I really can't be bothered with anymore. So within my friend group I feel outcast in that sense. I can't help but feel a little jealous when I see my peers with social lives.

Although I'm still in my teens- in my last year of high school- it pains me to see everyone around me 'blossom', I guess. I mean I've always had so many expectations for my high school years from what others have told me, but my life has been pretty static so far and I don't see it changing anytime soon. Partly because my fear of social situations and the parent situation. I feel like as much as I try to 'assimilate' into the outside world, it's never going to happen. I always feel like I'm confined to my bed, and I feel awful.

(For the record, I've discussed having social anxiety symptoms with a therapist before but I haven't had been officially diagnosed with anything, so I don't want to jump the gun and link this to any mental health issues)

[Vegetarian Marshmallow]

Do you have a job or are you eligible for centrelink? Maybe you could move out of home so you are free of the restrictions of your parents.

I'm afraid that people backing out of plans all the time is just the paradigm we've got ourselves into nowadays. It's pretty stupid. Though, as you become more comfortable with socialising, these let-downs will be less of a big deal because you won't have everything riding on that ONE event coming up; instead you'll have many possible events you're comfortable going to.

What's uncomfortable about boys?

Try to be curious and take notice of what happens to your thoughts and your body when you feel these certain unproductive feelings (social anxiety, etc). Being able to go "Aha! Fiddling with my hands, elevated heart rate, thinking about leaving, feeling like everyone is judging me, sitting in the corner - I see you. Social anxiety, old friend, there you are." can take away a lot of its sting. Looking at things analytically like that disengages you from the here-and-now emotions, which can let you sidestep them (act in different ways than your usual unproductive reactions to those feelings) even though the feelings are still there. Over time, they can dull and stop being there, as well.

[white knight]

Hi manchala, welcome

VM made a lot of sense.

As you get older you might realise better that everything in life needs a balance....for us...eg your balance for you, which should not be compared to anyone else.

One day you'll live alone. You'll need to work, shop for food and attend places like your phone company etc. You shouldn't leave it all to others. So you.might, as part of your "balance" go out with others once a month.

Soon you'll find a nightclub or social venue that becomes part of your comfort zone and you'll start to go more often. We all face similar challenges. We have to push ourselves. Life is wonderful but we have to visit it...it won't visit us.

Go to your GP and get a diagnosis. Very important.

PS. Boys will find you if all you do is attend. But they won't find you at home.

Tony WK

[taraanita]

Hi Manchala,

Im only a few years older than you (21) however I experienced very similar things to you at your age (and still at my age). My mum wasn't strict the problem was and still is my dad. Unfortunately I lost my mother so I am stuck with one very strict dad. I found it was really important for me as I got older to stick to my beliefs and tell my dad in a respectful way of course that how he treated me was not fair nor was it okay. I know its hard and you're probably reading this and thinking that its impossible to talk to them which is a feeling I also understand particularly if they have been abusive but take baby steps.

High school isn't everyone's thing, it certainly wasn't mine. Im a very anxious person and very withdrawn. Its important to reach out to those you "click" with - be it your friends parents, your teachers, your psychologist. Find like minded people who you can connect with and believe me you will find them.

As for boys don't worry about it at this point, I was very uncomfortable around them at your age and my "friends" made fun of me for it which just made me feel worse about myself. Don't force yourself to do things that you aren't comfortable with, it sounds a bit silly and parent like of me but be yourself because you don't have to fit in. There is something very special about everyone including you.

Take small steps and do small things every day that push your comfort zone, whenever you feel alienated try find something or someone you can relate to weather it be a real person or someone in a book or TV show it really helps you to feel less alone in my experience.

Best of luck

Tara

[manchala]

Hi Tara,

Thank you for the advice, and I hope your personal situation also improves.